your love, your love, your love is my drug.

I'm currently having a moment. I knew I was addicted, but I didn't realize to what extent until now. I NEED facebook. It's my go to site when I'm bored at work, at home. It's the application I open when i'm in an awkward situation on the train or out and about. I'm Lindsay Lohan and Facebook is my cocaine and I need more than jail or rehab or a change in hair color (Please go back to the red Lindz it's the hair dye that's making you insane) to save my soul.

Facebook is currently down and I'm now realizing how much of my life is dedicated to it. I mean hell, I write on a blog about it! I think its time to step back and take a breather. I could never fully get rid of facebook, but I wonder if this is the beginning of the end? First the parents started joining, then the Facebook movie, now site outages, and lets not forget the presence of twitter. I know this question has been put forth before, but is facebook going to go the way of myspace, friendster, and all those social networking sites before it? And not to get to philosophical, but if facebook goes does that mean we are all growing up? AND more than that, what will be the thing to replace facebook, and will I be too old and uncool to join it when it comes? I guess my point is this, sometimes it takes little disruptions in our daily routines to change it up a bit, so take this as a moment to do what people have been saying since the Internets were called the world wide web and go for a run, pick up a book, or hell whatever happened to rotting your brain by watching good ole fashion TV?!

So I'm making a pledge to let facebook only be a small part of my life for a bit. I'm sure this will only serve to make me more productive in my daily duties and make me friendlier to people I see on the street and that can't hurt...right? When I feel uncomfortable I'll text someone like I used to do and when I'm bored I'll read a newspaper. Knowing me this will only last a little bit, but its worth a try. Now lets get out there and do something with our lives!

oh and twitter is for crazies.

-The Gay

REGULATORS, MOUNT UP...

So here on DPTONF there’s the redundant topic of photos. Time and time again we’ve rehashed not to put pics of your dead baby, your hoe on a toilet, your taddies (itty bitty or not) but what we’ve not delved into yet is the issue of photo captions and comments, ergo…

Let us all remember whilst facebook is a reliable, applicable facet for social networking it is also a main source of entertainment for us folk that have moved on from our hillbilly parts of the south or the Midwest and aren’t a part of the cow tipping that we count on your pictures to entertain us with. We’re gonna need you to milk it for all it’s worth, give us a witty caption or at least give it your best shot. Even if at times, the caption is a funny inside joke that all your daily stalkers won’t get, a caption is a nice plus. Another way to caption is inside the photo tags. This form of wit is accepted and encouraged when that random frat fright photo bombs your cute girl pic, please do make a mockery of his ass in the tag since ain’t nobody knows his name or much less is friends with them on facebook! Everyone loves a good joke at one’s own expense, have an especially fatty double chin, call it out in your tag (err better yet, maybe that one doesn’t make the cut for the facebook album) but the point is don’t be afraid to be a li’l creative.

Moving on, photo comments – do’s & don’ts:
Do leave a witty comment or inside joke

Don’t leave a dumb ass remark or question,
i.e. “where is this?” on an album entitled “Hawaii”, you just look dumb and we all wanna unfriend you.

Please keep in mind that the person who posted the album as well as the people in the picture are going to receive all of those nagging li’l annoying notification emails that Stacey Joe says,
“OMG, LMAO, ROFL! I have that dress in BLUE J ♥♪!!!”
…that’s great are you or your blue dress in the picture?!? NO I DIDN’T THINK SO!

So that’s a bit harsh, just be cautious of your comments, if you’re funny enough or popular enough you can comment as much as like and it probs won’t be annoying but the double standard is if you’re not funny or liked enough you’re kinda limited to about 5 comments & 3 likes give or take, per album or you’ll be deemed annoying as fuck and that’s a fast track to being on the next purge list. And don’t play devils advocate and advise people to turn off their notifications, we shouldn’t have to sacrifice our alerts cuz you’re a douche nozzle*!

*please be advised if you don’t know what a douche nozzle is, chances are you are one!

My Nyquil’s hittin’ me hard now, so imma bounce but take heed,

~The Slut

Elegance is learned, my friend.

(note: All my apologies go out to adopted black babies, Marc Zuckerberg, Miley Cyrus, everyone from Poughkeepsie, Sandra Bullock, and lovers of correct punctuation and grammar everywhere. I was angry and I needed to make a point.)

Spring has sprung, and we all know what that means...Yes the new season of Real Housewives of New Jersey is in full swing, but also, love is in the air for some of us. And as happy as I am for everyone (really. I'm over my bitter single phase) There are a many a facebook faux pas being made and its time to import some of my infinite DPTonF knowledge to the kids, cause y'all need it.

We've discussed relationships and relationship status on the blog before, but it bears reiterating. Just know that if you decide to put that shit out there, be ready to deal with all that comes with it when it comes crashing down in flames (Yes, I'm talking to you and your new black baby, Sandra Bullock) which leads me to this point...FACEBOOK IS FOREVER! Shit, the INTERNET IS FOREVER. You can disable that account, but guess what? Whatever you wrote is there forever. There is this thing that takes snapshots of the Internet (I don't recall the name of it, but its very creepy and LOST like and it freaks me out) and as the Jew pointed out back in the day, even when you "delete" your account, it's still there.

Let's face it, Marc Zuckerberg is basically Hitler and the facebook staff are basically Nazi's and the book of faces is Germany and we are the Germans and we are too far deep in it now to go back to the old country. Don't believe me cause that horribly offensive analogy I just made? Go read what facebook has to say about privacy settings or read up on some of Zuckerberg's practices.

But we aren't here to bash facebook, and lets be honest, are any of us going to delete our accounts now? Let's just have a little discretion. I know he broke your heart, started dating your cousin from Poughkeepsie, stole fifteen dollars from your bank account, has a tiny penis, and has all three Miley Cyrus albums on his iPod, but do WE really need to know all that? If we are truly your friends we already know he's douchebag, and if we aren't your friend? Well now he's a douchebag and so are you for telling everyone AND now we're laughing at the fact that you just went batshit crazy and had a therapy session on facebook, and as much as I welcome your crazy for my own enjoyment, its not classy and as the tag line says "IT AIN'T CUTE".

and for GOD's SAKE. I'M NOT VOTING FOR YOU TO BE ON GLEE.

-The Gay

Secret Secret, I Got a Secret

An Open Letter to Facebook Friends:

Recently I've been trying to catch myself up on the ever-popular, ever-confusing, ever-addicting TV phenomenon known as LOST. Last time I checked, I left off somewhere in Season 2 and never looked back. Now, with this year marking the sixth and final season I felt like I was so far behind it was just useless to catch up. But then I realized, I AM NOT A QUITTER DAMNIT. I WILL MAKE LOST MY BITCH!

And I am doing just that. In a little under two weeks, I've managed to get through Seasons 1 and 2 and am proud to report that I am 3 episodes in to Season 3 as of last night. It also helps that I have no life...but I'm fine with it. Really. I am. REALLY!

Sidenote: The Gay, who now resides in an official territory of Pangea somewhere in the Chicago suburbs, (Kind of like the Puerto Rico to our U.S.), unbeknownst to me until he put it on FB, he also made the life choice to pop his Lost cherry (I'm really sorry for using that metaphor) and start at the very beginning. A very good place to start.

Anyway, I know that Lost has been on TV for six years now...I know that it is one of the shows that totally fucks with you and then leaves a note and never calls you again. But I just can't help myself. I can't stay away. And thanks to my Netflix subscription...I've got all 5 previous season at my disposal and a bottle of wine on my bedside table. DON'T JUDGE.

BUT. Facebook friends, let me just say this. Do NOT ruin a perfectly good catch-up marathon by putting current season spoilers in your status. NOT COOL. I wish I could be as prioritized (is that a word?) as you when it comes to TV schedules, but sometimes DragRace and The Real Housewives and Law and Order AND ice dancing are on at the same time and I JUST CAN'T CHOOSE. And NO, I don't have DVR. Lay off. So, therefore I'm way late on all things Lost.

Just cause you're all on top of your shit does not give you the right to ruin it for everyone else! Some people want to watch and find out for themselves. Shocking, I know. If I see one more person with "OMG, I can't believe so-and-so died at the end of Lost! And then came back from the dead and blew up the island! And then died again! OMG!" as their status, I'm gonna climb through my computer and choke you.

It's like telling someone the big twist of The Sixth Sense before they see the movie. Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free or some shit, right? Well, I guess that applies more to slutty girls...but you know what I mean. All I'm saying is, what the hell is the point if I already know what happens? I don't want the Cliff Notes version of the show, ok? It's about the journey, I want to soak up every last second of deserted island madness without you ruining it for me! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

I'm sorry baby, I didn't mean to yell at you. Just keep a damn secret for another couple weeks until I'm caught up. Fair is fair, respect equal opportunity TV watching.

If you really need to divulge something, just tell me the entire plotline of Avatar instead and save me $12.50 and movie theater butter damage to my arteries. Deal?

Sincerely Yours,

The Blonde

P.S. Shout outs to all of you Lost watchers you know how to keep your yap shut. I love you. Well, not really, but I like you. But not like you like you. Like, I just like you as a friend. ....I gotta go.

Supersonic, idiotic, disconnecting, not respecting, who would ever really wanna go and top that?

All right kids, it's time for some Facebook smackdown/love. I know it's been awhile again, but hell, it's cold outside and I've been too busy watching Jersey Shore/waiting for the second season of RuPaul's Drag Race. I, and my fellow Pangeans, sat idly by while girls posted their bra colors on the internets in statuses to be seen all over the world and don't even get me started on the friends exposed I'm answering a question about you on your page bullshit. But I'm back from spray tanned color, guidette loving haze to speak out about this new Facebook faux pas.

To be honest, at first I sort of (emphasis on the SORT OF) thought it was cute, then per usual all you people went and took it just a step (or five hundred) too far.

The task went like this, For a week you post a picture of yourself as baby. Simple of enough, cute, and only a week. I never got around to changing my profile pic, I was still all about my newest one featuring my mustache of the week, but I wasn't very bothered by the desire to pimp pictures of one's self as I child. I get it, I was a cute ass kid too. To be perfectly honest, people have been uploading baby pictures of themselves on the book of faces since the beginning. Then the next week (cartoon week) happened, and the next week (celebrity doppelganger), and now once again we have another DPTonF.

I mean come on people! Isn't this a little Sweet Valley High homecoming week? Don't get me wrong, I LOVED Sweet Valley High (I am The Gay, you know) but seriously. You all remember homecoming week festivities where every day YOU, and I put the emphasis on YOU cause I never did that shit, dressed up in silly costumes every day for a week for "spirit points" or a pizza party or something, I'm not quite sure what point of it all was, but you get my drift. It was very silly and very high school and should be left where it originates, HIGH SCHOOL.

AND furthermore, there's a bigger problem here. I ALREADY don't know who you are cause your name is "Sam Equality stickygummyworms The Situation P. Jones", and now without your photo I have absolutely NO clue whose wall I'm posting the latest "Ginger's do have souls" video on.

let us not forget what face book is essentially for:

1. Social networking (whatever that means)

2. Stalking

3. Witty comments on stasuses, stati, etc. ( I STILL don't know what the plural form of a status is)

4. (for some of you) posting endless details about your day

5. Stalking

6. Stalking

7. Stalking

So go on and play your little weekly game, but I have a new policy. If you have both a name and a Facebook picture that aren't either your baby Jesus given name or face. I will defriend you, and you will be devoid of all my facebookie goodness. And we don't want that do we?

And you people must really be on something cause I'm sorry, no one has ever mistaken you for David Beckham, Heidi Klum, or Beyonce. Give it up folks.

Top THAT.

-The Gay.

Don't cry, don't raise your eye, it's only teenage wasteland

Was I this annoying when I was 13?

Facebook, nay, technology in the recent years has given the world a venue to display a never ending list of opinions and interests. I definitely have my favorites (robot a day, garfield minus garfield, cake wrecks are among them. Check 'em out, support our fellow bloggers) and then..... the internet unfortunately represents another part of the world using this open community to spread hate/stupidity/ignorance/ANNOYING THE CRAP OUT OF ME.

I've been avoiding this particular conflict for a while because it sends fits of rage through me ala Bjork (because Bjork is ridiculous and borderline retarded... does everyone from Iceland act like that? Stop your whining and take off that silly ass hat) but why oh why can't we express our opinions in a more open minded fashion? My life encompasses a lot of different people with a lot of different views and rarely do I get upset with people for having opposing ones of mine.. because we're all entitled to our own opinion, yes? and because I am SUCH a good friend.

But if you are going to use facebook of all things (a networking site used to find friends and have casual communication... not communication regarding anything professional, don't talk to the blonde about that or she'll shank you) to parade your narrow-minded, hateful views, at least make sure they are well informed. Oh, and that you're old enough to slightly experience the world. Never have I witnessed such an outpour of crazy small minded views from a group of people who've never learned to drive, vote in an election, and have barely gone through puberty.

Don't you realize that what you put on the internet about basically disliking anything of a liberal mind set is being seen by a lot of liberal people out there watching? A lot of people who are personally effected by your narrow minded and hateful views? Don't parade yourself as a Christian, because I don't have God on speed dial, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't appreciate you comparing Barack Obama to an African village idiot (he's from Hawaii, dumbass. An American citizen, shocking) or comparing Planned Parenthood to Auschwitz. Turns out Planned Parenthood does a lot of good for providing prenatal care to uninsured mothers and educating poorer communities about safe sex and birth control, and in turn saving lives of unborn children and existing human lives. But why would you ever pay attention to the positives of any dirty liberal organization? Oh yes, because you're a child.

And lastly kids, let's not forget that these hilarious/earth shattering points that you're making on facebook will always be there. The internet is forever, and in 5 years I bet you'll have a whole arsenal of offensive points of view, so in another 12 years, don't try to run for office. Well, maybe you could in Ohio, it is a swing state.

Liberally yours,

The Jew

walking on, walking on broken glaaaaas

I've just hit a new low. Wait. We ALL have just hit a new low. By we, I mean the entire Facebook community.

I was just asked out on a date...

on facebook...

by a stranger.

Lets just breakdown how wrong every part of this is:

1. You asked me out on FACEBOOK.
2. We've never formally met
3. YOU ASKED ME OUT ON FACEBOOK!
4. WE'VE NEVER MET! I DON'T KNOW YOU!

Now he isn't a complete stranger, he saw me in a show. I've never met him, but we did have those two precious hours where I sang my face off completely unaware of his presence and he watched, but this in no way condones his behavior.

It all began innocently enough, I guess. I started my morning the way I always do, a yawn, a stretch, and straight to my iPhizzle to check out the last facebook status updates (some people do coffee and the news to find out about whats going on in the World, but I prefer beginning the day finding about how every gay LOVES the new Lady Gaga song or what drunk mess friend of mine threw up on themselves in the subway the night before, but I digress) I got a nice message from a young man congratulating me on my work in the show the previous night, and although I thought this was a bit sketchy (he did look in his program, find my name, and then search through all the people with my name on Facebook, which is no easy task) I gave him the benefit of the doubt and sent him a nice little message back. As a matter of fact lets just post the entire conversation here for all to read and dissect. I'll be "All knowing gay, who is brilliant in the show", and we will call our gentleman caller "creeper".

Creeper: Hey I saw your show last night, and all I can is WOW!!! You are really great. I was really impressed and enjoyed it alot.

(let me just say, I'm no good at the grammar or the spelling, but if you are going to message a complete stranger spell/grammar check wouldn't hurt....just saying)

All knowing gay who is brilliant in the show: Thanks so much! I really appreciate it!

Creeper: Your welcome, so how long are you here for?

AKGWIBITS: Just till the show closes.

Creeper: Thats cool, maybe we can hangout go have a drink, dinner, something, if you want?

AKGWIBITS: I'm super busy with the show, but thanks.

Creeper: ok sounds good man, by the way you are very attractive

As I typed the conversation just now I realized I may have some blame in the situation. I mean, for one I could NOT be incredibly talented and good looking, but that's pretty much impossible. But I could have prevented this by not responding after the first message and more importantly, using this little thing we call privacy settings. Its unfortunate its come to this, but I'm learning discretion is the key.

I hate privacy settings. Its the reason why I can't stalk ex boyfriends new boyfriends and why I have to be facebook friends with people I don't even really like, but after today's little snafu I'm a firm believer in them. Its been said here before, but I'll say it again, cause it needs to be said, there are just certain things you don't want your Mama, your Aunt Suzie from Poughkeepsie, Creepers worldwide, and the baby Jesus to see, and that's OK.

And let me say before I publish this mess of random thoughts I've compiled and will call a blog entry, I don't want to seem like an ungrateful, stuck up asshole. I truly am flattered by the compliments and the date request, but this was just all wrong. " Creeper" obviously needs a DPTonF lesson.

word to you mother.

The Gay