“Kiss today goodbye. The sweetness and the sorrow…”

Shalom, y'all. That greeting is probably better coming from the mouth of The Jew, but it seems oddly fitting coming from me as well. That’s right, facehookers… it’s Blockbuster again.

As swimsuit season draws ever closer (despite the fact that this “summer” has been wetter than an insecure child’s bedsheets during a Freddy Kreuger dream), we must all partake in that age old tradition that lies in the back of your mind even as you visually ravage this entry. You know what I’m writing about. It’s been nagging on your mind since you read the term, “swimsuit season” about 9.2 seconds ago. I’m talking about Trimming the Fat. Hardening the Muffin Top. Firming your Buttocks. Hacking away at your FUPA like Jason Voorhees does to a snarky camp counselor. Nobody really likes to talk about it, but everyone does it. You step out of the shower, catch your reflection in the mirror, and your smile drops faster than W. Bush’s approval rating (Hah! Still funny!). You make some attempts. Go to the gym a few times, and pray for an 80’s style montage to kick-in to fast-forward your body toning. Sorry to disappoint you, Ralph Macchio… it won’t. It takes time. In the meantime, put down the Ranch Dip and maybe do some cardio. Just kidding, The Gay… even The Slut thinks you’re smoking hot!

So… you might be asking yourself, “Self? How is my dear Blockbuster going to turn this into a DPToFB blog? What does this have to do with my beloved book of faces? Is he saying my face is fat? Are my jowls becoming puffy? Should I do some chin-crunches? What ARE chin-crunches? Wait! Can I DO those? Seriously… if I get any more chins, I’m going to have to move into a crappy house and raise a troubled Johnny Depp and a retarded Leo DiCaprio! I want a knight in shimmering armor! What does that even mean??”

I’m going to let you wait for an answer. It won’t come. So I’ll press on. You DO have a fat face. It’s time to trim the fat from your face(book). It’s time to pull up a beanbag chair, sip a bottle of Hater-ade… and cut the fat from your friends list. Have you ever looked over your friends list and wondered WHY you’re friends with some of these people? I’m not speaking to the losers who add people they don’t even know… they have deeper issues that can only be solved through an intervention. I’m talking about people who friend someone simply because they have some obscure connection. It’s time to take a long, hard look over your friends list and ask yourself WHY you’re friends with some of these people. If you can’t give yourself a satisfactory answer… it might be time to move on. If you facebook-love someone… let them go. If they come back and try to re-friend you… they’re pathetic and you suddenly feel better about your life! See? Faster and better than anti-depressants!

Seriously. Do some Facebookardio…

Fatass.
~Blockbuster

Tumble outta bed and stumble to the kitchen pour myself a cup of ambition.

Wait a second? Did I just read that correctly? No. It can't be.

Did you just invite me to become a fan...of YOU? Seriously? Seriously?!!!

This just happened to me not even five minutes ago. I haven't even had time to breathe. I need to dissect this in the form of a blog.

One, up until this point I wasn't even aware you could invite someone to be a fan of something. Two, do you really need a facebook page AND a fan page? Three, YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING IMPORTANT! You aren't an actor or singer....you don't make me laugh, you aren't famous or anything. Basically you are a normal human being and you want me to become a fan of your normalness. You have just become (and I'm sure I'll receive a lot of flack on this one) the Susan Boyle of my Facebook world (not that there's anything wrong with Susan Boyle its just that she is just mediocre at best and I don't get why everyone was all on her shit...glad to get that off my chest)

I think this is just another case of facebook gone too far. I was all about becoming fans of things and then (as the blonde discussed previously) it got out of hand, but THIS...this is just too much. I'm sure your mama thinks you are the best thing to happen since the Real Housewives of New York Reunion (seriously. How good was that shit?) but I'm not about it. Shit, I think there are some Real-life ACTUALLY talented ACTUALLY famous people that shouldn't have their own fan pages. So pretty much what I'm saying is this is NOT okay.

AND one more thing I DON'T want to follow you on Twitter.

The grass isn't always greener...even if you use fertilizer...

-The Gay

Bitches ain't shit but hos and tricks

O. M. G. you guys, I know I’ve been absent. I know you’ve missed me. But I know you’ll understand when I say I’ve been reallllly busy NOT freaking out about getting swine flu (IT’S JUST THE FLU, WHAT IS ALL THE HULABALOO ABOUT? AM I MISSING SOMETHING?), re-living my college glory days (which is in NO WAY pathetic, so shut your yap) and anxiously awaiting the debut of The Real Housewives of New Jersey – which is gonna be a shitshow…and we all know I love those.

Anyhooter, excuses aside…will someone please explain this “Become a Fan of (insert random arbitrary thing/person/activity here)”? I don’t get it. I really don’t. How is this any different from joining a group? And why do I care? And if you are really that big a fan of Ashton Kutcher – shouldn’t it be in your profile?

In this day and age I understand our incessant need to personalize everything to express our individuality…cell phone ringtones, ironic message tees, radio stations that only play the music you like, etc. etc. I am guilty of all of these things also…but at some point don’t you realize that EVERYONE ELSE just became a fan of “Not Being on Fire” too – so you’re really not that special? Sorry to burst your bubble Whiney Whitney, but if you’re trying to be unique…I think you missed the boat when you JOINED FACEBOOK. I’m not saying we can’t all like the same things; it’s called POPULAR culture for a reason. But please don’t fool yourself into thinking that your friends are gonna think you’re cute for becoming a fan of “The Weekend”.

Please stop stating the obvious with this bullshit – EVERYONE likes the weekend, not being on fire and sleeping…EVERYONE. But not EVERYONE feels the need to proclaim it to the Facebook community like “Napping” is the latest craze to hit junior high.

And really, when I see the random crap you choose to become a fan of – it makes me further question our probably already vague Facebook friendship… Like if you decide to become a fan of “XD” (as in the stupid emoticon smiley face with letters bullshit. And yes, that is a real fan page – I DO MY FACEBOOK RESEARCH, PEOPLE.) I might decide to become a fan of unfriend-ing you. SO DON’T PUSH ME.

Also, there are literally pages called “I <3 my Mom”. So, that would make you a fan of loving your mom? (Making “Your mom” jokes is obvious here, don’t even bother.) Now, I love my mama and all and I expect you do too…obviously…because you’re a fan of it. Isn’t that a little redundant? I mean, you already LOVE her…but now you’re a FAN of that love? Toot your own horn much, slick?

And lastly, and maybe most importantly is when people become fans of celebrities or actors AFTER they pass away. For instance, as we all know, Natasha Richardson and Bea Arthur recently passed away – and all sarcasm aside, it is very sad and they were very well-loved and respected ladies. But REALLY? After Bea died, every gay I know jumped on the rainbow bandwagon and became a fan of her. Girls, I don’t doubt you were a fan of Maude and Bea and her rendition of “Don’t Rain on My Parade”…but that was never really in question, was it? I find it a LITTLE suspicious when 50 of my friends become fans of someone who died last week. I feel pretty confident in saying that most of you probably haven’t thought twice about Natasha Richardson in the past year. But if you insist on proving your devotion why don’t you honor them the respectable way by watching a Golden Girls/Parent Trap marathon in your pajamas and eating your way through a couple pints of ice cream and a pizza? All I can say is, BEEN THERE DONE THAT.

I know my DPTonF counterparts may disagree with me on this one a bit. And for the record, I DO NOT CONDONE THEIR BEHAVIOR. Really, Gay? You became a fan of “Aretha Franklin’s Inauguration Hat”? REALLY?

If I become a fan of every random blip on the pop culture horizon that I thought was funny or even slightly amusing or every band that I’ve ever liked or every restaurant I’ve eaten at, my fan page section would go on for years. So, I’m just gonna skip it and let you know that if a majority of the Facebook populations is a fan of Gummy Bears or Dave Matthews Band – you can safely assume that I have probably enjoyed them from time to time as well.

And if you really feel that strongly about “Evanescence” or “Piercings” or “Ice Cream” and you just need to let the world know, list it as an interest or activity and CALL IT A DAY.

AND don’t invite me to become a fan of your band or your Christian service organization because I. AM. NOT. INTERESTED. I’m a fan of ONE thing and it’s my BF’s music group…so, I basically got roped into that one…

How about this – I am a fan of NOT BEING A FAN OF STUFF.

SUCK IT.

Winky smiley face,

The Blonde

Eh, Eh, Nothing Else I Can Say

Poking.

Don’t poke me. Say hi, tell me what you’re up to. What recent one night stand gone awry did you recently struggle to bounce back from? Who did you hear just came out, came available or drove their car into the wall of a dormitory building while intoxicated, who just fell down the escalator of the Times Square Toys R Us, what rowdiness went down at the Wright State Maydays, who watched Chihuahua and enjoyed it (no names), what roommate of yours is dating a Mr Softee driver to get free ice cream? Gimme the goods. What juicy gossip can I get out of a poke? Unless we’re talking about the other kind of poke, tee hee! Too far, well that’s me – always takin’ it over the line.

Where is the poke button anymore anyway? And superpoke, really? Did that function on FB need advancement?? Newsflash: if I didn’t want you to poke me, I also don’t want you to: throw a sheep at me, chest bump, hug, adopt a pet with, blow a kiss at me, high five, knit a scarf for, blow bubbles with, (you get the point). What’s with the negative ones?? I definitely don’t want you to do any of these to me: dropkick, b!*$% slap, roundhouse kick, breathe fire on, etc. Some of them are just gross and wierd: Rock the grannie pantie or fling a thong at. Maybe it means I’m going to hell but coming across the one “build a child’s future with” just made me laugh. These little actions you’re choosing to do in cyber space is not cute, not real, not funny, dumb and makes you look sorta pathetic – get some friends or frenemies off the facebook and do those things to them in the real world and perhaps then you’ll get a response; until then most of us will just ignore your superpoke. I say we’ll ignore your superpoke, because I’ll usually give a customary courtesy generic poke back. I will not however begin or participate in a poke war with you, so don’t do it.

Also, you don’t need to tell someone you’ve poked them; that’s the thing, you poked them – they’ll get a notification.

Ps nobody pokes anymore, that’s so 2004*!

*Year facebook was created

the all hating PEPSI, slut