I have a secret to confess. It's not going to be pretty. You'll probably hate me, and thats ok. Just think about it like this. You're Britney Spears post shaved head, emotional breakdown, and without kids. And I'm Papa Jamie Spears, white trash, tank top and all, here to save the day. I know whats best for you and I'll get you back to where you deserve to be and you will secretly hate me and go through the motions even though you aren't really ready for your comeback and look slightly dead inside in every video and interview but know that you have no choice but to continue cause you've got bills to pay and we will get through this together...pinky promise
but here goes...
I, The Gay, have recently contemplated getting a Twitter. As a matter of fact about a month ago I got a Twitter, then quickly deleted it cause it felt so wrong.
THERE! I SAID IT! I'm so sorry. I really hope we can get through this. But hear me out please. I had my reasons! It's so sleek and shiny and new, and we all know I LOVE a good status update (within reason), and even the celebs (Ashton and Demi, Perez, Stephen Colbert, ZAC EFRON omglolroflsohotlovehim!) have a twitter account. I must admit, at first glance its like I'm cheating on my beloved Facebook, but TRUST, it ain't that kind of party. I mean, there IS room for both. Right? But maybe not. Remember when everyone had a Myspace AND Facebook? I guess I'm just afraid of being behind the curve (THATS WHAT SHE SAID!)and furthermore I'm terrified of my beloved Facebook going the way of myspacexangafriendstersocialnetworkinghell.
I guess I don't really need Twitter. Facebook is all the man that I need at the moment. You can't kill me for being a little curious though.
LEAVE BRITNEY SPEARS ALONE! I MEAN IT!
-The Gay
just found out Anderson has a twitter. All bets are off. Dammit.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
I always feel like somebody’s watching me…
Are you there Facebook god? It’s me… Blockbuster. I am not going to comment on the new Facebook layout. It’s been done (very well, I might add) by the Blonde… and I think the public outcry speaks for itself. Get over it people… we’re not about to see any FB executives heads impaled on spikes anytime soon. Calm it down. Take a Xanax. Maybe wander over to craigslist and check out some of the “Missed Connections”. Go ahead… I’ll wait.
…
…
…
Welcome back! Did you read the one titled, “Are you Jew”? How funny was THAT one?? I think the best line was, “You make me not want to be gay anymore.” I would say I was making this up… but I’m not that funny! Anydangway… this time away from my beloved livre du visage made me a little antsy, so I dove right into my favorite hobby (besides making up back-stories for the crazy people who smell like soup and mutter to themselves while standing too close to me waiting in line at Duane Reade)… Facebook Stalking! It’s a topic near and/or dear to many of our hearts. Don’t be ashamed. That what FB is all about! It’s a way to see what people are doing… who they are doing… possibly even why or where they are doing. It enables you to keep in touch with your current friends, reconnect with old friends, or (my personal favorite) check up on people you used to hate who have now gotten fat (aka pregnant). There are several levels of stalking. You could just casually scan… you could actively seek… or you can frantically search like an Asian woman looking for a seat on the subway. Remember that guy or girl you wanted to go to the High School Junior Formal with, but they refused to go with you and then ridiculed you behind your back for two weeks? Yeah… they’re STILL the Assistant Manager of the DQ on State Street! Still!! Who’s laughing now, you soft-serve skank?? Phew… Xanax kicking in…
FB stalking is a right and a privilege. Whether you glide over people’s pages like that freaking feather from Forrest Gump, or you pore over them like Kevin Spacey’s character from Seven… you should take pride in your stalking. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go chuckle gleefully at a few people’s unfortunate dietary habits and/or gland disorders. That, and watch Howard the Duck. Love that flick!
Peace and Carrots,
~Blockbuster
…
…
…
Welcome back! Did you read the one titled, “Are you Jew”? How funny was THAT one?? I think the best line was, “You make me not want to be gay anymore.” I would say I was making this up… but I’m not that funny! Anydangway… this time away from my beloved livre du visage made me a little antsy, so I dove right into my favorite hobby (besides making up back-stories for the crazy people who smell like soup and mutter to themselves while standing too close to me waiting in line at Duane Reade)… Facebook Stalking! It’s a topic near and/or dear to many of our hearts. Don’t be ashamed. That what FB is all about! It’s a way to see what people are doing… who they are doing… possibly even why or where they are doing. It enables you to keep in touch with your current friends, reconnect with old friends, or (my personal favorite) check up on people you used to hate who have now gotten fat (aka pregnant). There are several levels of stalking. You could just casually scan… you could actively seek… or you can frantically search like an Asian woman looking for a seat on the subway. Remember that guy or girl you wanted to go to the High School Junior Formal with, but they refused to go with you and then ridiculed you behind your back for two weeks? Yeah… they’re STILL the Assistant Manager of the DQ on State Street! Still!! Who’s laughing now, you soft-serve skank?? Phew… Xanax kicking in…
FB stalking is a right and a privilege. Whether you glide over people’s pages like that freaking feather from Forrest Gump, or you pore over them like Kevin Spacey’s character from Seven… you should take pride in your stalking. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go chuckle gleefully at a few people’s unfortunate dietary habits and/or gland disorders. That, and watch Howard the Duck. Love that flick!
Peace and Carrots,
~Blockbuster
Friday, March 13, 2009
I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain't one
I love it when Facebook changes their layout once every two years and everybody flips their shit. Website formats change all the time, people. I know it’s difficult to navigate something new at first but I have every confidence that you are an intelligent person and you’ll figure it out.
Everyone is gonna whine around about how much the new Facebook sucks. Doubtless there will be hundreds of people who will create groups and Facebook petitions to “Change Facebook back” or “I hate the new Facebook” or “1,000,000 people to boycott the ‘new’ Facebook” – and I will not join them. I didn’t last time and I won’t do it now. And I absolutely WILL NOT boycott Facebook…that would be like cutting off a limb. SO. BACK. UP. OFF. ME.
Things change...it's called life. Also known as progress, advancement, MAKING SHIT BETTER. Why don't you just calm down Grandpa, take your blood pressure medication and stop reminiscing about how when you were a kid you had to walk 15 miles to get to school. In the snow. Barefoot. Uphill both ways. With your 13 year-old kid sister strapped to your back. You know what? In two weeks you’re gonna forget that Facebook ever changed and you’re gonna move on with your life. Until the next time they change it, of course.
And what really gets me is BITCH, THEY WARNED YOU! You get a little notice at the top of your newsfeed that says:
Hey idiots. We’re changing some stuff soon. So check it out here (and when it’s blue and underlined…that means you should click it because it is a link) beforehand so you don’t have any excuse to bitch later.
Well, I may be paraphrasing slightly. But you get the point. And seriously, why don’t you get riled up about something that ACTUALLY MATTERS? Like ending world hunger or offing Frank Caliendo. (Seriously, does anyone want to do that for me? I hate him. He is not funny, he’s just fat and that doesn’t always equal funny. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE IMPERSONATING, JACKASS? ALL YOU DO IS PUT ON A DIFFERENT WIG. YOU’RE TERRIBLE. WHO DECIDED IT WAS OK TO GIVE YOU YOUR OWN SHOW? AND FOR THAT MATTER, WHO WATCHES YOUR AWFUL EXCUSE FOR COMEDY?!) Sorry…don’t get me started on Frank.
I know that coming from someone who helped start a blog about what not to do on Facebook, it sounds horribly ironic to ask you not to get upset about something happening on Facebook. SHUT UP, I DO WHAT I WANT. If you truthfully think that we take ourselves THAT seriously – maybe you should just go away now before I add you to my hit list.
But seriously, don’t have a cow man. Yes. I just referenced Bart Simpson. WHAT.
I got your crazy,
The Blonde
P.S. Two entries in a row, how special do you feel?
Everyone is gonna whine around about how much the new Facebook sucks. Doubtless there will be hundreds of people who will create groups and Facebook petitions to “Change Facebook back” or “I hate the new Facebook” or “1,000,000 people to boycott the ‘new’ Facebook” – and I will not join them. I didn’t last time and I won’t do it now. And I absolutely WILL NOT boycott Facebook…that would be like cutting off a limb. SO. BACK. UP. OFF. ME.
Things change...it's called life. Also known as progress, advancement, MAKING SHIT BETTER. Why don't you just calm down Grandpa, take your blood pressure medication and stop reminiscing about how when you were a kid you had to walk 15 miles to get to school. In the snow. Barefoot. Uphill both ways. With your 13 year-old kid sister strapped to your back. You know what? In two weeks you’re gonna forget that Facebook ever changed and you’re gonna move on with your life. Until the next time they change it, of course.
And what really gets me is BITCH, THEY WARNED YOU! You get a little notice at the top of your newsfeed that says:
Hey idiots. We’re changing some stuff soon. So check it out here (and when it’s blue and underlined…that means you should click it because it is a link) beforehand so you don’t have any excuse to bitch later.
Well, I may be paraphrasing slightly. But you get the point. And seriously, why don’t you get riled up about something that ACTUALLY MATTERS? Like ending world hunger or offing Frank Caliendo. (Seriously, does anyone want to do that for me? I hate him. He is not funny, he’s just fat and that doesn’t always equal funny. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE IMPERSONATING, JACKASS? ALL YOU DO IS PUT ON A DIFFERENT WIG. YOU’RE TERRIBLE. WHO DECIDED IT WAS OK TO GIVE YOU YOUR OWN SHOW? AND FOR THAT MATTER, WHO WATCHES YOUR AWFUL EXCUSE FOR COMEDY?!) Sorry…don’t get me started on Frank.
I know that coming from someone who helped start a blog about what not to do on Facebook, it sounds horribly ironic to ask you not to get upset about something happening on Facebook. SHUT UP, I DO WHAT I WANT. If you truthfully think that we take ourselves THAT seriously – maybe you should just go away now before I add you to my hit list.
But seriously, don’t have a cow man. Yes. I just referenced Bart Simpson. WHAT.
I got your crazy,
The Blonde
P.S. Two entries in a row, how special do you feel?
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
You + Me = Us
Wow guys. I’m sorry I’ve been so neglectful lately. But you know what, I’m here now. So never fear – let’s chat about relationship drama on FB, shall we?
First off, let me just say – I love me some juicy gossip. Love it. Secondly, I REALLY love any juicy relationship gossip that makes me feel better about my own sham of a romantic life. However, all that being said…whenever I see some tragic relationship stories plastered all over the internets…I cringe a little for the parties involved.
…
And then I hastily click my way through the sordid details like there is no tomorrow.
STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT. YOU KNOW YOU DO THE SAME DAMN THING.
Let’s think of it this way…I want to like Jennifer Aniston – I really do. I want to hate Angelina Jolie, NO ONE likes a homewrecker. But Jen totally seems like she would be THAT GIRL on Facebook. Doesn’t she? I mean, isn’t it time to LET IT GO girlfriend? Yeah, we know, that bitch with the United Colors of Benetton of a family stole your hot hot husband and sort of has a better career than you and everyone seems to love her and think she is the second coming of Jesus and they conveniently forget about that time when she kissed her brother ON THE MOUTH and wore a vial of Billy Bob Thornton’s blood around her neck. (I HAVEN’T FORGOTTEN ANGELINA; I STILL THINK YOU’RE PROBABLY SECRETLY BATSHIT CRAZY IN PRIVATE.) But every time I see a magazine cover with her picture and things like, “Why Jen just can’t move on”, “Jen admits, ‘I pathetically drunk dial Brad every Saturday ’”, “Jen and Angie: Catfight to the death” - I want to call her up and have a heart to heart.
The things she does just scream, LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME SOMEONE FUCKING PAY ATTENTION TO ME AND NOT HER AND HER PERFECT LIFE I’M PRETTY TOO! Like that naked cover she did for GQ – hot right? Yeah, I hope I look half as good as her at that age…but a little desperate too, don’t you think? Sure, I’d be sad if a husband as hot as Brad Pitt left me. But you know what Jennifer? At least you get to say you had sex with Brad Pitt on a regular basis for a few years. Not many people get that opportunity – so chin up girl. And your dating history since then hasn’t been too shabby…I mean John Mayer seems a little douchey but he does writes pretty songs. And Vince Vaughn would probably be a terrible boyfriend but at least he’s hilarious.
I guess my point is friends, when I see that you’ve changed your relationship status from “Single” to “In a Relationship” and vice versa 17 times in one day…my heart bleeds a little for you. Because inevitably, Facebook stalkers are gonna see that shit and ask way too many prying, personal questions. Or they’re gonna spread it like the herpes through a Frat house. I mean, think about it. Do you really feel comfortable admitting to those 400+ people who you don’t really know all that well that your love life is a shitty bitty mess?
I’m torn. On one hand, you feed my need for gossip. And on the other it’s the very definition of an overshare. So what to do? God, Facebook ethics is HARD.
If you’re gonna put it out there that you’re “In a Relationship” with someone, you better be damn sure it’s gonna last for a while. Or at the very least it better be going somewhere other than you sitting in a bar with your BFFs crying into your appletini in two weeks. Cause if THAT’S in your near future, don’t even bother with the status change unless you’re prepared to deal with not only the emotional onslaught of having to see happy couples skipping down the street holding hands , but with people who you barely know commenting on your status with, “OMG what happened?!” or “Oh, girl. Let’s get an appletini and cry about our boy drama.”
NO. NO. NO. NO! Having to change that relationship status box to “Single” totally sucks. I feel you on that one. It’s a total slap in the face that you have to stop being so delusional in thinking that you and Prince Charming are ever going to work out. But, ladies and gents…it’s time to get a grip. YOU NEED TO SUCK IT UP AND DEAL WITH YOUR BREAKUP IN THE COMFORT OF YOUR OWN HOME.
DON’T PUT YOUR PITY PARTY ON FACEBOOK.
You and Jennifer Aniston have a lot more in common than you think. You’ve both got a lot going for you if you would JUST STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR DIVORCE.
I don’t even like appletinis,
The Blonde
First off, let me just say – I love me some juicy gossip. Love it. Secondly, I REALLY love any juicy relationship gossip that makes me feel better about my own sham of a romantic life. However, all that being said…whenever I see some tragic relationship stories plastered all over the internets…I cringe a little for the parties involved.
…
And then I hastily click my way through the sordid details like there is no tomorrow.
STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT. YOU KNOW YOU DO THE SAME DAMN THING.
Let’s think of it this way…I want to like Jennifer Aniston – I really do. I want to hate Angelina Jolie, NO ONE likes a homewrecker. But Jen totally seems like she would be THAT GIRL on Facebook. Doesn’t she? I mean, isn’t it time to LET IT GO girlfriend? Yeah, we know, that bitch with the United Colors of Benetton of a family stole your hot hot husband and sort of has a better career than you and everyone seems to love her and think she is the second coming of Jesus and they conveniently forget about that time when she kissed her brother ON THE MOUTH and wore a vial of Billy Bob Thornton’s blood around her neck. (I HAVEN’T FORGOTTEN ANGELINA; I STILL THINK YOU’RE PROBABLY SECRETLY BATSHIT CRAZY IN PRIVATE.) But every time I see a magazine cover with her picture and things like, “Why Jen just can’t move on”, “Jen admits, ‘I pathetically drunk dial Brad every Saturday ’”, “Jen and Angie: Catfight to the death” - I want to call her up and have a heart to heart.
The things she does just scream, LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME SOMEONE FUCKING PAY ATTENTION TO ME AND NOT HER AND HER PERFECT LIFE I’M PRETTY TOO! Like that naked cover she did for GQ – hot right? Yeah, I hope I look half as good as her at that age…but a little desperate too, don’t you think? Sure, I’d be sad if a husband as hot as Brad Pitt left me. But you know what Jennifer? At least you get to say you had sex with Brad Pitt on a regular basis for a few years. Not many people get that opportunity – so chin up girl. And your dating history since then hasn’t been too shabby…I mean John Mayer seems a little douchey but he does writes pretty songs. And Vince Vaughn would probably be a terrible boyfriend but at least he’s hilarious.
I guess my point is friends, when I see that you’ve changed your relationship status from “Single” to “In a Relationship” and vice versa 17 times in one day…my heart bleeds a little for you. Because inevitably, Facebook stalkers are gonna see that shit and ask way too many prying, personal questions. Or they’re gonna spread it like the herpes through a Frat house. I mean, think about it. Do you really feel comfortable admitting to those 400+ people who you don’t really know all that well that your love life is a shitty bitty mess?
I’m torn. On one hand, you feed my need for gossip. And on the other it’s the very definition of an overshare. So what to do? God, Facebook ethics is HARD.
If you’re gonna put it out there that you’re “In a Relationship” with someone, you better be damn sure it’s gonna last for a while. Or at the very least it better be going somewhere other than you sitting in a bar with your BFFs crying into your appletini in two weeks. Cause if THAT’S in your near future, don’t even bother with the status change unless you’re prepared to deal with not only the emotional onslaught of having to see happy couples skipping down the street holding hands , but with people who you barely know commenting on your status with, “OMG what happened?!” or “Oh, girl. Let’s get an appletini and cry about our boy drama.”
NO. NO. NO. NO! Having to change that relationship status box to “Single” totally sucks. I feel you on that one. It’s a total slap in the face that you have to stop being so delusional in thinking that you and Prince Charming are ever going to work out. But, ladies and gents…it’s time to get a grip. YOU NEED TO SUCK IT UP AND DEAL WITH YOUR BREAKUP IN THE COMFORT OF YOUR OWN HOME.
DON’T PUT YOUR PITY PARTY ON FACEBOOK.
You and Jennifer Aniston have a lot more in common than you think. You’ve both got a lot going for you if you would JUST STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR DIVORCE.
I don’t even like appletinis,
The Blonde
Friday, March 6, 2009
Informer, you no say daddy me snow me Ill go blame, a licky boom boom down.
So Loyal DPTonF reader. I'm sure you are all wondering where we've been recently and whats up with the lack of updates. We've been REALLY busy. With everything thats going on in the world there hasn't been enough time to spread our good word. I mean where do I begin? Between reading all the coverage I can on the Chris Brown Smackdown on dead inside eyes Rihanna (Seriously you are BACK with him after he "allegdly" smacked your head against a window, and more importantly threw your cell phone out a window?!!!?), RuPaul's Drag Race (Ongina was robbed!), Americas Next Top Model (Goddess of Fierce? Really Tyra?), waiting on Kelly Clarkson's new album to come out next week (How much do you love My Life Would Suck Without You?), and watching I'm on a boat (Marry me Andy Samberg) and Kittens Inspired by Kittens (I'm her mother! NO SHE'S NOT!) on repeat on YouTube, there's been a lot going on.
Frankly, I haven't been too inclined to log on facebook as of late, for fear of seeing this
or this
I had a bad feeling when I saw the first one, hence the post below. I thought that my dislike of this would spread to the masses and it would end, but no. I really can't take it anymore! Every time I see a new one I am filled with a rage that can't be matched and no other man would understand...unless you're Chris Brown...(too soon? I can't stop. sorry) Anyway, isn't one enough? And someone please enlighten me, whats the point? Tag friends in labels that they are already aware of then watch it spread like Rihanna's "alleged" herpes (too soon again? I promise that was the last joke).
And lets not forget the comments, you know what I'm talking about. One person comments "OMG I can't believe you tagged me as the slutty one with no future!" another comments "ROFLOMGLOLHAGSCATSASSFARTS! I TOTALLY thought I would have been tagged as the deadbeat with no semblance of a future! But I guess I'll take stupid whore who will never be truly happy!"
What I guess I'm trying to say is, COME ON PEOPLE. We can do better. Give me a good public facebook breakup (more on that from The Blonde soon), some slutty pictures, hell, I'll even take the 25 things back, but ENOUGH of this cartoon picture madness. Its totally ruining my buzz.
I guess that's all for this nonsensical, far too pop culture filled, rant.
I know it may look like I was being like a bitch, but that's only because I was acting like a bitch.
Don't fuck it up.
-The Gay
Frankly, I haven't been too inclined to log on facebook as of late, for fear of seeing this
or this
I had a bad feeling when I saw the first one, hence the post below. I thought that my dislike of this would spread to the masses and it would end, but no. I really can't take it anymore! Every time I see a new one I am filled with a rage that can't be matched and no other man would understand...unless you're Chris Brown...(too soon? I can't stop. sorry) Anyway, isn't one enough? And someone please enlighten me, whats the point? Tag friends in labels that they are already aware of then watch it spread like Rihanna's "alleged" herpes (too soon again? I promise that was the last joke).
And lets not forget the comments, you know what I'm talking about. One person comments "OMG I can't believe you tagged me as the slutty one with no future!" another comments "ROFLOMGLOLHAGSCATSASSFARTS! I TOTALLY thought I would have been tagged as the deadbeat with no semblance of a future! But I guess I'll take stupid whore who will never be truly happy!"
What I guess I'm trying to say is, COME ON PEOPLE. We can do better. Give me a good public facebook breakup (more on that from The Blonde soon), some slutty pictures, hell, I'll even take the 25 things back, but ENOUGH of this cartoon picture madness. Its totally ruining my buzz.
I guess that's all for this nonsensical, far too pop culture filled, rant.
I know it may look like I was being like a bitch, but that's only because I was acting like a bitch.
Don't fuck it up.
-The Gay
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