Righty o then, I think we’re in need of timely update. Please take your seat, and mind the tea – it’s still a bit hot.
There’s words to be had regarding the status on facebook, amongst a few other things I may delve into while I’ve got your attention. How’s the tea? I need more sugar, but then you could’ve guessed that.
The status function: in a previous dptonf blog we’ve gone over what is appropriate for a status update and likewise the not so good ones, such as “so and so is eating an apple”. Perhaps we should remind you that this is a short tid bit; put your novel away Tolstoy.
It’s no secret that we here in Pangea are friends with Tim Gunn, and as he would say “People, you need to use an editing eye,carry on". A wall post should not take up the size of my iPhone screen. I know what you’re thinking, ‘But what if I don’t have an iPhone? How will I gauge the appropriate length of my wall post?” to that I say: “no iPhone, INFERIOR!” snide remarks aside, if it’s over a few lines, that shit belongs in an email or send that person a message if you still insist on using facebook as your outlet. C’mon I could read War & Peace faster than some of the epic wall posts I’ve seen lately..yeah I’m a fast reader – get off me. If you’re having trouble trimming your wall posts down to the dptonf approval standards, double check your subject issue. Anything outside witty repartee*, inside jokes, well wishes, or other relatively short messages is probably too much personal info that can’t usually be contained in truncated form. And I expect that you all know by now our response when posting too much personal info; I’ll give you a hint (the name of our blog)!
*rep•ar•tee
Pronunciation: \ˌre-pər-ˈtē, -ˌpär-, -ˈtā\
Function: noun
Etymology: French repartie, from repartir to retort, from Middle French, from re- + partir to divide — more at part
Date: circa 1645
1 a: a quick and witty reply b: a succession or interchange of clever retorts : amusing and usually light sparring with words
Also commenting on peoples’ stati; that’s just it, leave a comment. What’s with this “likes this” BS. Elaborate;what do you like about it? We all know I’ve never been short for words; I expect to hear my friends thoughts not see an electronic thumbs up and know you like it. “like it” is a response you give your grams when she gives you that special calico print sweater for your 16th birthday; keep it real. Tell me how it is and chunk the thumbs up.
I’ve seen on occasion this battle betwixt comments on stati -why can’t we all just get a long? It’s FACEBOOK, don’t get all up in arms. It’s hard to read tone electronically anyhow, perhaps you have misread someone, cool your jets before you post that heated response. And don’t be so passive aggressive. Be the better man and just don’t respond to that moron that’s chosen to get rowdy on the insignificant wall post – again this isn’t an argument about me sleeping with your baby mamma. It’s not a deep rooted drama, drink your juice Shelby.
well the chamomile must be kicking in
cheerio chap,
the slut
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Friday, April 3, 2009
Truly Madly Deeply Do
It is a dreary Thursday evening. The Slut, The Blonde and The Gay have assumed their usual positions on Pangea’s Golden Girls-esque La-Z-Boy furniture. They are armed with the TV on, laptops on laps and iDevices in hand. They are trolling Facebook looking for something shocking/funny/disgusting/distressing to discuss and publicly ridicule. It isn’t long until The Gay comes across two videos posted on two separate friends’ walls.
One is a young woman’s parents video-messaging their beloved daughter who is away. They candidly talk about their weekend and their love of musical theater and make kissy faces on this poor, unsuspecting young woman’s wall. They are so embarrassingly corny and sweet and earnest that it could pass for a SNL sketch.
The other video that is stumbled upon is of a far darker, upsetting nature. It is of a young man who out of love for his lover decides to video himself poorly lip-syncing to a very popular 90s tune known as “Truly Madly Deeply” by Savage Garden. And then it was proudly posted on lover’s wall for all his friends and stalkers to see.
The three friends, armed with their trusty computers decided to address this issue as a group so as to make sure they were heard loud and clear.
The Blonde: Ok let's do this shit. Valued readers, honored friends – welcome to the first-ever multi-blog.
The Slut: So tonight is a day that will live in infamy. Ooh sorry not a presidential speech. But still, good moment - we came across some good shit tonight folks.
The Blonde: We need to talk about a subject so serious, so...heart-breakingly embarrassing…
The Slut: Only your mom could console you. And maybe she'll do so by posting a web cam clip on your wall...oh wait…she did!
The Blonde: Um...The Gay - think you could get off Facebook for like 5 goddamnn minutes to join us? I CAN SEE YOU.
The Gay: Oh. Sorry. I'm busy looking for inspiration/vommiting in my mouth
The Blonde: I think you spelled vomiting wrong. ANYWAY
The Gay: But anyway. Moving on.
The Blonde: Oh listen, we should mention that The Jew can't be with us tonight. HIT ZE SHOWAZ. Too soon?
The Slut: Never.
The Gay: ...awkward silence…
The Slut: Is what happens when everyone sees that video you posted to your lover on Facebook.
The Blonde: And you're badly lip syncing to a 90s pop song. And you didn't even take the time to look up the right lyrics.
The Gay: Seriously?!?
The Slut: Trust me I know; when I was in 5th grade, I loved that song!
The Blonde: Bitch you don't love your BF that much if you can't even be bothered to look up the lyrics.
The Gay: Like I've said before.
The Slut: Shit son!
The Gay: Love is a lie. At least make me think you put some effort into the video.
The Blonde: Let me just put this out there as a DPTonF PSA (so many acronyms)
DON'T POST VIDEO MESSAGES OF A PERSONAL NATURE ON SOMEONE'S PUBLIC FACEBOOK WALL
The Slut: It's too much. TMI.
The Blonde: RIGHT?
The Gay: Cause I will find them. Laugh at them. And show my friends.
The Slut: I'm pretty sure he (the unfortunate targeted audience of your video) may not even want to see that.
I won’t be your dream and it's my fantasy to never have someone send me shit like that.
I won’t be faithful.
Not to your pathetic ass.
The Blonde: I mean, ok...so your Mom can't really use Facebook and that's sort of endearing
The Slut: Or a web cam.
The Blonde: But you should not allow your parents' technological illiteracy to be the butt of someone else's ridicule.
Hahaha BUTT
The Gay: I mean, this is all part of bigger more serious entry we will get into later
The Blonde: We will?
The Gay: All I have to say is this. The day my Mom gets on Facebook is the day my life ends. Cause its the day I delete my account.
The Slut: Ooh,the lyrics of this song are even too much.
The Blonde: I actually don't want the sky to fall down on me. That sounds painful.
The Gay: And really…(going back to the lyrics of this song). Don't you have some newer bad top 40 to make your song?
The Slut: Did this even make the cut on MTV's ridiculous 90's crap video recap. Or whatever those are called?
The Gay: No, it didn't.
The Blonde: Right? Savage Garden was so 8th grade dance. LEAVE ROOM FOR JESUS
The Gay: Don't ask me how I know that.
Guys, I think I want our song to be All My Life by K-Ci and Jo Jo.
The Blonde: Isn't one of them a crack head?
The Gay: Expect videos on all your walls with me singing it.
The Blonde: And also, K-Ci and Jo Jo. I don't want to be close to you like your brother, mother, sister, cousin. That's call incest.
The Gay: Did anyone see that video of one of them passing out on stage?
The Blonde: And it is ILLEGAL. Not to mention EW
The Slut: But we digress…
The Blonde: I'm all about digression.
The Gay: I guess what we here at Pangea are trying to say is this: We are REALLY glad you are in a great relationship. And that your parents miss you.
The Slut: (We have sweet shirts that say PANGEA) Are you jeal?
The Gay: But seriously people
The Slut: And how can you not comment on a video like that?? But the comments were blatantly obligatory and distracted from truth and were all "your parents are so cute”
The Blonde: And we're really glad you're in love (but not really, because we're not very sentimental and we're pretty cynical so all that lovey-dovey pooky bullshit just makes us want to vomit all over our keyboards) but that's what email is for...private stuff you don't intend to share with the masses.
And if your Midwestern parents don't know how to properly use Facebook (god knows mine don't (thank baby Jesus))...don't allow them to be there...get Skype bitch
The Slut: AMEN
The Blonde: GAYMEN
The Slut: It's free, private, easy to use - like a phone...there's another idea: pick up a phone and call your damn parents from time to time to prevent them leaving a video on your wall about their nice little Saturday
The Slut: Oh and did they have time to go to Bed, Bath and Beyond?
The Gay: I mean, we love YouTube sensations, but do you really want to be the next "David After Dentist" or "Leave Britney Alone"? Cause that’s where you are heading
The Blonde: I mean, you'll probably get to be on some talk shows and might even get a reality TV deal out of it...but that's no way to live. Don't you want our RESPECT people?
The Slut: On second thought to play devil's advocate, I have to say I have some appreciation for the clip. It gave us jovial laughter and following that inspiration for this very blog.
The Blonde: Good point and after all...if no one did anything ridiculous on Facebook, you wouldn't be sitting here giggling at our wit and sparkling personalities that just jump out of the screen and make you think we would be friends.
The Slut: The Gay is frozen right now
The Blonde: Houston, we have a problem...we have lost contact with The Gay.
Oh p.s. we probably wouldn't be friends...but it's cool if you want to think that.
The Slut: We do like to be admired
The Blonde: PRAISE US
The Slut: Hey you can be a follower on the blog - it gives you a picture and everything.
The Gay: Shit. I'm back. Too much porn on my computer. Kidding.
The Blonde: No you're not.
The Gay: Sort of...
The Blonde: Spending too much time on manhunt.com. What? I don't know what that is? Who said...what?
The Gay: Uhhh and continuing on. I just have to say. Thanks for your videos. They will make me laugh for weeks to come.
The Slut: P.S. I love that your parents refer to themselves as Mommy & Daddy. Oh and did they out that you still love RENT?
The Blonde: See? We shouldn't know that much about your parents. Or you.
The Gay: God knows I truly needed something to stop my addiction to “Kittens inspired by Kittens”
The Blonde: And yes, please, someone, anyone send The Gay a new YouTube sensation.
The Slut: Kittens! It’s time. Put it to bed.
The Blonde: If I hear "We are wine bottles!" one more time I'm gonna slit his gay little throat.
The Gay: I don't care what anyone says. “Kittens inspired by Kittens” is brilliant. Get that girl a TV show.
The Blonde: It's not a hate crime if it's justified.
The Gay: It’s fine Blonde. The Jew is gonna cut you open anyway. I heard her whole plan.
The Blonde: Right? Seriously you guys, she's been threatening my life. I think we have a potential single-white-femaling on our hands.
The Gay: It doesn't sound funny, but its HILARIOUS
The Blonde: ...call the police...
It's past our bedtime.
We're out like a fat kid in dodgeball,
The Gay, The Slut & The Blonde
One is a young woman’s parents video-messaging their beloved daughter who is away. They candidly talk about their weekend and their love of musical theater and make kissy faces on this poor, unsuspecting young woman’s wall. They are so embarrassingly corny and sweet and earnest that it could pass for a SNL sketch.
The other video that is stumbled upon is of a far darker, upsetting nature. It is of a young man who out of love for his lover decides to video himself poorly lip-syncing to a very popular 90s tune known as “Truly Madly Deeply” by Savage Garden. And then it was proudly posted on lover’s wall for all his friends and stalkers to see.
The three friends, armed with their trusty computers decided to address this issue as a group so as to make sure they were heard loud and clear.
The Blonde: Ok let's do this shit. Valued readers, honored friends – welcome to the first-ever multi-blog.
The Slut: So tonight is a day that will live in infamy. Ooh sorry not a presidential speech. But still, good moment - we came across some good shit tonight folks.
The Blonde: We need to talk about a subject so serious, so...heart-breakingly embarrassing…
The Slut: Only your mom could console you. And maybe she'll do so by posting a web cam clip on your wall...oh wait…she did!
The Blonde: Um...The Gay - think you could get off Facebook for like 5 goddamnn minutes to join us? I CAN SEE YOU.
The Gay: Oh. Sorry. I'm busy looking for inspiration/vommiting in my mouth
The Blonde: I think you spelled vomiting wrong. ANYWAY
The Gay: But anyway. Moving on.
The Blonde: Oh listen, we should mention that The Jew can't be with us tonight. HIT ZE SHOWAZ. Too soon?
The Slut: Never.
The Gay: ...awkward silence…
The Slut: Is what happens when everyone sees that video you posted to your lover on Facebook.
The Blonde: And you're badly lip syncing to a 90s pop song. And you didn't even take the time to look up the right lyrics.
The Gay: Seriously?!?
The Slut: Trust me I know; when I was in 5th grade, I loved that song!
The Blonde: Bitch you don't love your BF that much if you can't even be bothered to look up the lyrics.
The Gay: Like I've said before.
The Slut: Shit son!
The Gay: Love is a lie. At least make me think you put some effort into the video.
The Blonde: Let me just put this out there as a DPTonF PSA (so many acronyms)
DON'T POST VIDEO MESSAGES OF A PERSONAL NATURE ON SOMEONE'S PUBLIC FACEBOOK WALL
The Slut: It's too much. TMI.
The Blonde: RIGHT?
The Gay: Cause I will find them. Laugh at them. And show my friends.
The Slut: I'm pretty sure he (the unfortunate targeted audience of your video) may not even want to see that.
I won’t be your dream and it's my fantasy to never have someone send me shit like that.
I won’t be faithful.
Not to your pathetic ass.
The Blonde: I mean, ok...so your Mom can't really use Facebook and that's sort of endearing
The Slut: Or a web cam.
The Blonde: But you should not allow your parents' technological illiteracy to be the butt of someone else's ridicule.
Hahaha BUTT
The Gay: I mean, this is all part of bigger more serious entry we will get into later
The Blonde: We will?
The Gay: All I have to say is this. The day my Mom gets on Facebook is the day my life ends. Cause its the day I delete my account.
The Slut: Ooh,the lyrics of this song are even too much.
The Blonde: I actually don't want the sky to fall down on me. That sounds painful.
The Gay: And really…(going back to the lyrics of this song). Don't you have some newer bad top 40 to make your song?
The Slut: Did this even make the cut on MTV's ridiculous 90's crap video recap. Or whatever those are called?
The Gay: No, it didn't.
The Blonde: Right? Savage Garden was so 8th grade dance. LEAVE ROOM FOR JESUS
The Gay: Don't ask me how I know that.
Guys, I think I want our song to be All My Life by K-Ci and Jo Jo.
The Blonde: Isn't one of them a crack head?
The Gay: Expect videos on all your walls with me singing it.
The Blonde: And also, K-Ci and Jo Jo. I don't want to be close to you like your brother, mother, sister, cousin. That's call incest.
The Gay: Did anyone see that video of one of them passing out on stage?
The Blonde: And it is ILLEGAL. Not to mention EW
The Slut: But we digress…
The Blonde: I'm all about digression.
The Gay: I guess what we here at Pangea are trying to say is this: We are REALLY glad you are in a great relationship. And that your parents miss you.
The Slut: (We have sweet shirts that say PANGEA) Are you jeal?
The Gay: But seriously people
The Slut: And how can you not comment on a video like that?? But the comments were blatantly obligatory and distracted from truth and were all "your parents are so cute”
The Blonde: And we're really glad you're in love (but not really, because we're not very sentimental and we're pretty cynical so all that lovey-dovey pooky bullshit just makes us want to vomit all over our keyboards) but that's what email is for...private stuff you don't intend to share with the masses.
And if your Midwestern parents don't know how to properly use Facebook (god knows mine don't (thank baby Jesus))...don't allow them to be there...get Skype bitch
The Slut: AMEN
The Blonde: GAYMEN
The Slut: It's free, private, easy to use - like a phone...there's another idea: pick up a phone and call your damn parents from time to time to prevent them leaving a video on your wall about their nice little Saturday
The Slut: Oh and did they have time to go to Bed, Bath and Beyond?
The Gay: I mean, we love YouTube sensations, but do you really want to be the next "David After Dentist" or "Leave Britney Alone"? Cause that’s where you are heading
The Blonde: I mean, you'll probably get to be on some talk shows and might even get a reality TV deal out of it...but that's no way to live. Don't you want our RESPECT people?
The Slut: On second thought to play devil's advocate, I have to say I have some appreciation for the clip. It gave us jovial laughter and following that inspiration for this very blog.
The Blonde: Good point and after all...if no one did anything ridiculous on Facebook, you wouldn't be sitting here giggling at our wit and sparkling personalities that just jump out of the screen and make you think we would be friends.
The Slut: The Gay is frozen right now
The Blonde: Houston, we have a problem...we have lost contact with The Gay.
Oh p.s. we probably wouldn't be friends...but it's cool if you want to think that.
The Slut: We do like to be admired
The Blonde: PRAISE US
The Slut: Hey you can be a follower on the blog - it gives you a picture and everything.
The Gay: Shit. I'm back. Too much porn on my computer. Kidding.
The Blonde: No you're not.
The Gay: Sort of...
The Blonde: Spending too much time on manhunt.com. What? I don't know what that is? Who said...what?
The Gay: Uhhh and continuing on. I just have to say. Thanks for your videos. They will make me laugh for weeks to come.
The Slut: P.S. I love that your parents refer to themselves as Mommy & Daddy. Oh and did they out that you still love RENT?
The Blonde: See? We shouldn't know that much about your parents. Or you.
The Gay: God knows I truly needed something to stop my addiction to “Kittens inspired by Kittens”
The Blonde: And yes, please, someone, anyone send The Gay a new YouTube sensation.
The Slut: Kittens! It’s time. Put it to bed.
The Blonde: If I hear "We are wine bottles!" one more time I'm gonna slit his gay little throat.
The Gay: I don't care what anyone says. “Kittens inspired by Kittens” is brilliant. Get that girl a TV show.
The Blonde: It's not a hate crime if it's justified.
The Gay: It’s fine Blonde. The Jew is gonna cut you open anyway. I heard her whole plan.
The Blonde: Right? Seriously you guys, she's been threatening my life. I think we have a potential single-white-femaling on our hands.
The Gay: It doesn't sound funny, but its HILARIOUS
The Blonde: ...call the police...
It's past our bedtime.
We're out like a fat kid in dodgeball,
The Gay, The Slut & The Blonde
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