No.
-The Gay
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
I'm a..... slaaaaave 4U
This is a touch overdo, but I feel we must address the recent, temporary legal SNAFU from the Facebook company. They claimed taking ownership of all of your internet "property" once you delete your profile. Yeah, it sounds like a huge personal invasion, and it's not right, HOWEVER, loyal followers, let's not forget that once you put something on the internet, it doesn't go away. Ask the dirty politicians and the dirtier college girls hugging toilets and stealing boyfriends. Don't vocalize hateful and/or violent views on current politicians (big brother is watching), and upload wisely. I personally have a vision of a giant-mega-main-frame-server-terminal humming at the core of the earth, storing away all of the information floating around in cyberspace. I find the concept of the internet almost as baffling as the human brain, wondering where all of the bits and bytes float off to. But you better recognize the fact that even if you think your information is private, all it takes is a right click and a save, or a copy hyperlink to start spreadin the news.
Interestingly enough, Facebook doesn't intend on letting you and your information go that easily.
Check this out: http://www.stevenmansour.com/writings/2007/jul/23/2342/2504_steps_to_closing_your_facebook_account
Apparently it takes a lot more than a click and a confirmation click to free yourself from the warm, fuzzy clutches of our favorite networking site. Truth is, think of how intertwined we all our in our beloved cyberspace. Photos were posted in 2004, people were tagged, comments were left, and you got an email notification for each of these activities. In fact, you could go back and make a comment or tag Santa in the background and those people you haven't talked to in 5 years will all get an email notification of your actions, and suddenly we're back to where we started.
I guarantee that if I look back to my incarnation in the facebook world, I probably have posted some silly, questionable items. But we live and learn, and I think the best thing to live by is don't put anything you wouldn't want your momma seeing on facebook, because chances are your momma IS on facebook. Geez, Mom, get a life.
Untagging and not bragging-
The Jew
Interestingly enough, Facebook doesn't intend on letting you and your information go that easily.
Check this out: http://www.stevenmansour.com/writings/2007/jul/23/2342/2504_steps_to_closing_your_facebook_account
Apparently it takes a lot more than a click and a confirmation click to free yourself from the warm, fuzzy clutches of our favorite networking site. Truth is, think of how intertwined we all our in our beloved cyberspace. Photos were posted in 2004, people were tagged, comments were left, and you got an email notification for each of these activities. In fact, you could go back and make a comment or tag Santa in the background and those people you haven't talked to in 5 years will all get an email notification of your actions, and suddenly we're back to where we started.
I guarantee that if I look back to my incarnation in the facebook world, I probably have posted some silly, questionable items. But we live and learn, and I think the best thing to live by is don't put anything you wouldn't want your momma seeing on facebook, because chances are your momma IS on facebook. Geez, Mom, get a life.
Untagging and not bragging-
The Jew
Friday, February 20, 2009
I like the way you work it (no diggity) I got to bag it up
Gifts on facebook, absolutely not! Bitch I want a real gift. Get outta here with your thumbnail image of flowers I much prefer the real ones delivered to me while at work with a shiny new vase along with chocolates that last a whole week and oh yeah they’re tangible. I don’t know what’s worse receiving a gift on facebook or the fact that someone actually spent real money on buying a gift on facebook. Don’t think I won’t be cold enough to step right over your good deed and thoughtfulness and immediately publicly shame you for spending money on a damn half inch square jpeg. Oh did I say spend money cuz that’s not accurate, I mean to say “gift credits”...yeah, lets talk about that shall we? That just makes it even more gay (no offense to the gay or others by inappropriate usage of the derogatory term; I wasn’t referring to sexual orientation). Now that I’ve avoided the silliest possible lawsuit ever or the most redundant accusation of being taboo lets get back on track. Originally the majority of the gifts were free – which by the way is the only exception to giving a gift: when they’re free! Now: every holiday or made up holiday (::cough cough Valentine’s Day::), or just Tuesday they have a limited number of one or two ..okay three at most, but that’s it of the lamest, tackiest gift for you to give to another special friend in the world of cyber space. You know what I’m talking about the rainbow colored balloon with the shape of a butterfly centered on it, the backside of a troll (yeah a troll. Ps why were these funny odd looking figurines ever popular items in American culture?? That and beanie babies, boy am I glad we’re past that phase, whew!). My point is rarely are these gifts actually cute or funny and besides those few that cost you nothing but the sad, sad time you waste perusing and purchasing from the facebook gift shop (ha I just found out that’s the actual official name) the rest cost money. Old school they would just list $1, $2, $3; not anymore now it’s 100 or 300 gift credits. Just be upfront with me facebook – don’t play like its not real money. Then you have the options of sending it public, private or anonymous. Really anonymous – you’re gonna take that small (not forward) step into admitting your admiration for me by sending me a gift on facebook and not own up to who you are? Grow a pair and ask me out or start slow, say hello and if things work out, who knows maybe I’ll accept a real troll doll with multi colored hair (ERR wrong I’ll never accept that, who do you think you’re dealin’ with?)
Then there’s the Christmas tree - every year, never fails the Christmas tree application starts and then you can basically sign yourself up for the holiday hell of consistent and needless notifications and emails about notifications notifying you: so and so sent you a gift under your Christmas tree: unwrap now, save for later, send one back??? Or kill yourself for ever signing up for that POS app or better yet all the douche-mountains that sent you the damn Christmas gift. It’s no better when you don’t have the app either, then you just have to repeatedly see on the news feed or taking up ¾ of a friend’s profile “Billie jean has 7 unwrapped gifts under his Christmas tree”. We here at Pangea put our own Christmas tree up around Christmas, a real one and I’ll go one more- we give each other real gifts too (they go under the tree, the real tree). Facebook is fun and it gives ya some laughs and you can stay in touch with people but it’s not a substitute for living. I don’t need it to take over my holiday traditions, I have a real life for that and I only hope all of you do too.
I’ve received eight gifts and sent two in my history as a facebook user and I don’t begrudge any of them – they were all free and sensible as well I would accept more if done in the same fashion. But I had to write this blog to, well publicly shame any of you that constantly buy gifts on facebook – don’t do it. It’s not _______ (fill in the blank) CUTE, it’s not cute. This is also partially a comment to facebook: don’t put that on facebook, facebook.
Peace out home skillet
~ The Slut
Then there’s the Christmas tree - every year, never fails the Christmas tree application starts and then you can basically sign yourself up for the holiday hell of consistent and needless notifications and emails about notifications notifying you: so and so sent you a gift under your Christmas tree: unwrap now, save for later, send one back??? Or kill yourself for ever signing up for that POS app or better yet all the douche-mountains that sent you the damn Christmas gift. It’s no better when you don’t have the app either, then you just have to repeatedly see on the news feed or taking up ¾ of a friend’s profile “Billie jean has 7 unwrapped gifts under his Christmas tree”. We here at Pangea put our own Christmas tree up around Christmas, a real one and I’ll go one more- we give each other real gifts too (they go under the tree, the real tree). Facebook is fun and it gives ya some laughs and you can stay in touch with people but it’s not a substitute for living. I don’t need it to take over my holiday traditions, I have a real life for that and I only hope all of you do too.
I’ve received eight gifts and sent two in my history as a facebook user and I don’t begrudge any of them – they were all free and sensible as well I would accept more if done in the same fashion. But I had to write this blog to, well publicly shame any of you that constantly buy gifts on facebook – don’t do it. It’s not _______ (fill in the blank) CUTE, it’s not cute. This is also partially a comment to facebook: don’t put that on facebook, facebook.
Peace out home skillet
~ The Slut
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Mama said knock you out
You guys, I have to call someone out. Not by name of course, not our style here at DPTonF. But something very troubling was brought to my attention recently and I feel so strongly about it – it must be discussed. For most rational, functional human beings, I venture to guess that the following statements will be unnecessary. But for those out there who LIVE for Facebook attention…this one’s for you.
NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU:
a) Take a picture of yourself on the toilet, visibly and actively using the facilities
b) Post that picture on Facebook
c) Tag yourself in said picture
d) Post and tag yourself in multiple, similar photos of the aforementioned activity
Sure, sometimes our friends catch us at inopportune moments with our pants around our ankles (literally) and it’s all LOLZ and ROFL. Go ahead, giggle about it with your besties (ugh, I just used that word in a sentence) – absolutely no harm in that. But please tell me why…WHY…FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY WOULD YOU POST THAT?! AND TAG YOURSELF IN IT FOR FUCK’S SAKE?!
The only, ONLY, time this is acceptable and/or hilarious is if your photo meets the following requirements:
1. From the position of the photographer, it is not entirely apparent whether you really are dropping the kids off at the pool or not
2. You are wearing a football helmet
3. You are wearing a t-shirt that says “Kiss me, I’m shitfaced”
THAT IS THE ONE AND ONLY EXCEPTION – AND IT HAS BEEN DONE, OK?
No one wants to be casually scrolling through your recent photo album and find your personal version of “2 girls 1 cup”. And if they ARE hoping to find pictures of this nature, I sincerely doubt that Facebook is the place that person should be. In fact, I’ll call To Catch a Predator myself…although I guess that show doesn’t really apply to situations like this… REGARDLESS. It is gross and inappropriate.
A few years ago Jenny McCarthy did a Candie’s shoe ad where she was sitting on a toilet with her panties down. And guess what? No one thought that was cute either. Except maybe the shoe company…but no one really wears Candie’s anymore, do they? Hmm…hint hint. And now Ms. McCarthy is happily pseudo-married to Jim Carrey and raises money and awareness for autism. So, there is hope for you yet Patty Potty Pictures.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go delete those pictures I posted to document my eating disorder progress.
Toodles,
The Blonde
NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU:
a) Take a picture of yourself on the toilet, visibly and actively using the facilities
b) Post that picture on Facebook
c) Tag yourself in said picture
d) Post and tag yourself in multiple, similar photos of the aforementioned activity
Sure, sometimes our friends catch us at inopportune moments with our pants around our ankles (literally) and it’s all LOLZ and ROFL. Go ahead, giggle about it with your besties (ugh, I just used that word in a sentence) – absolutely no harm in that. But please tell me why…WHY…FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY WOULD YOU POST THAT?! AND TAG YOURSELF IN IT FOR FUCK’S SAKE?!
The only, ONLY, time this is acceptable and/or hilarious is if your photo meets the following requirements:
1. From the position of the photographer, it is not entirely apparent whether you really are dropping the kids off at the pool or not
2. You are wearing a football helmet
3. You are wearing a t-shirt that says “Kiss me, I’m shitfaced”
THAT IS THE ONE AND ONLY EXCEPTION – AND IT HAS BEEN DONE, OK?
No one wants to be casually scrolling through your recent photo album and find your personal version of “2 girls 1 cup”. And if they ARE hoping to find pictures of this nature, I sincerely doubt that Facebook is the place that person should be. In fact, I’ll call To Catch a Predator myself…although I guess that show doesn’t really apply to situations like this… REGARDLESS. It is gross and inappropriate.
A few years ago Jenny McCarthy did a Candie’s shoe ad where she was sitting on a toilet with her panties down. And guess what? No one thought that was cute either. Except maybe the shoe company…but no one really wears Candie’s anymore, do they? Hmm…hint hint. And now Ms. McCarthy is happily pseudo-married to Jim Carrey and raises money and awareness for autism. So, there is hope for you yet Patty Potty Pictures.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go delete those pictures I posted to document my eating disorder progress.
Toodles,
The Blonde
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Does anyone know the way, there's got to be a way to Block Buster!
Lackluster Apps... Blockbuster Musings.
Greetings my Cherubs & Seraphs. Submitted for the approval of the Pangaea Society, I call this full-of-angst fable, Facebook Apps. References to redundant 90's SNICK sitcom "Are You Afraid Of The Dark?" aside... Icome to you today to discuss a matter that is much more relevant and pertinent (and many other synonyms like those) to our FB lives: Crappy Applications(Crapplications, as I have just decided to call them). Many of you don't know me very well (unless you're one of my FB stalkers... in which case you know me VERY well), but I don't approve Crapps. I just don't. In fact, I block every single one. Every. Single. One. It's not because I don't heart your face. Iheart most of your faces. I just really find it obscenely taxing to give a soaring-monkey's-butt "Which Saved By The Bell Character I'd be most likely to have gone to the Imaginary Bayside Sock Hop With" or "Which Character From Classic American Literature Would Be Most Likely To Be My BFFL" or "Which Member of The Breakfast Club Would Be Most Likely To Give Me Reach Around While Snorting Cocaine Off My Ass In The Dirty Bathroom Stall Of The 7-11 Right Off I-90 In Exchange For $20 And A 40 Of Colt45".
First of all... who cares? Second of all... who is writing these things?? Need I remind you people, there isn't a room full of Behavioral Psycho analysts dedicated to dissecting the human psyche and contemplating the perfect multiple choice questions to determine the various results. No. These are written by bored (and/or drunk people) who want their legacy to be written in Size 12 Times New Roman Font on the Book of Faces. How are these results determined?? I would LOVE to see the equation for determining the number of possible answers versus the possible outcomes. Tell you what Rain Man... maybe you should just quit it with the Crapps. You don't have A Beautiful Mind, Russell Crowe...you're just Schizo. Go down to the library, eat your damn tuna sandwich and wait for Jennifer Connelly to realize that you're talking to thin air! In the meantime, stop writing these Crapps. I know you won't... but I'll just keep blocking them so that they never darken my Profile again. Because let's face(book) it... it's a slippery slope we are on. Too much crap is what made the already-inferior MySpace sink even lower into the proverbial quagmire of redundant websites.
By the way... the answer to the latter question I put up there is Andrew Clark. That’s right, Emilio Estevez’s character. After High School, he and Ally Sheedy’s character split up just before he went off to college on a wrestling scholarship. Being newly single and kind of a hothead, he got WAY into steroids and lost his scholarship. His father couldn’t accept that from his son and disowned him. From there… you can see how it escalated. By the way,I just made all that up… but I STILL didn’t make it into a Crapp. And the reason? Because I heart your faces.
Goodnight Moon. It’s been stellar.
~Blockbuster (Man-Whore of the Slut)
Greetings my Cherubs & Seraphs. Submitted for the approval of the Pangaea Society, I call this full-of-angst fable, Facebook Apps. References to redundant 90's SNICK sitcom "Are You Afraid Of The Dark?" aside... Icome to you today to discuss a matter that is much more relevant and pertinent (and many other synonyms like those) to our FB lives: Crappy Applications(Crapplications, as I have just decided to call them). Many of you don't know me very well (unless you're one of my FB stalkers... in which case you know me VERY well), but I don't approve Crapps. I just don't. In fact, I block every single one. Every. Single. One. It's not because I don't heart your face. Iheart most of your faces. I just really find it obscenely taxing to give a soaring-monkey's-butt "Which Saved By The Bell Character I'd be most likely to have gone to the Imaginary Bayside Sock Hop With" or "Which Character From Classic American Literature Would Be Most Likely To Be My BFFL" or "Which Member of The Breakfast Club Would Be Most Likely To Give Me Reach Around While Snorting Cocaine Off My Ass In The Dirty Bathroom Stall Of The 7-11 Right Off I-90 In Exchange For $20 And A 40 Of Colt45".
First of all... who cares? Second of all... who is writing these things?? Need I remind you people, there isn't a room full of Behavioral Psycho analysts dedicated to dissecting the human psyche and contemplating the perfect multiple choice questions to determine the various results. No. These are written by bored (and/or drunk people) who want their legacy to be written in Size 12 Times New Roman Font on the Book of Faces. How are these results determined?? I would LOVE to see the equation for determining the number of possible answers versus the possible outcomes. Tell you what Rain Man... maybe you should just quit it with the Crapps. You don't have A Beautiful Mind, Russell Crowe...you're just Schizo. Go down to the library, eat your damn tuna sandwich and wait for Jennifer Connelly to realize that you're talking to thin air! In the meantime, stop writing these Crapps. I know you won't... but I'll just keep blocking them so that they never darken my Profile again. Because let's face(book) it... it's a slippery slope we are on. Too much crap is what made the already-inferior MySpace sink even lower into the proverbial quagmire of redundant websites.
By the way... the answer to the latter question I put up there is Andrew Clark. That’s right, Emilio Estevez’s character. After High School, he and Ally Sheedy’s character split up just before he went off to college on a wrestling scholarship. Being newly single and kind of a hothead, he got WAY into steroids and lost his scholarship. His father couldn’t accept that from his son and disowned him. From there… you can see how it escalated. By the way,I just made all that up… but I STILL didn’t make it into a Crapp. And the reason? Because I heart your faces.
Goodnight Moon. It’s been stellar.
~Blockbuster (Man-Whore of the Slut)
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Aicha in my life
Updating your status is a necessary facebook action, it’s true. A gateway into originality – letting us in on what you’re up to. It’s not however when you post song lyrics in your status, ugh! Shame, shame on those of you who consistently update your status with song lyrics. Really, really? You have nothing better going on in your life and need to broadcast the lyrics to either the current top charts pop/rap/hiphop/country (really country?) song that rocks your world for the moment. I know we belong together now, Kelly sings it – I don’t need to read it in your status. Chances are the song that your posting lyrics to is probs overplayed anyhow and if it’s not, your dumb ass is about to wear it out for the rest of us.
Some of you hit those really low points and you just can’t take it anymore and you have to post those oozing with depression, wanna slit my wrists (vertical is the best way by the by – don’t half ass it with those horizontal amateur cuts) lyrics that expose all of us to the hopeless world you’re begging not to live in and honestly it’s bringin’ me down. You’re killing the mood yo; I’m gonna need you to take it up a notch maybe post “you are my sunshine, you make me happy” even if you really mean the complete opposite. If you’re not willing to avoid your true feelings then just keep them out of your status. TMI people. Everybody hurts and everybody cries, thank you REM and random person on facebook who updated their status. It’s too much melodrama to subject your fellow facebook peers to. The book of faces is a happy outlet for all of us who work for a living, who take a quick peek in the middle of a shift/day job to get their facebook fix. You’re wasting my precious, less than minimum wage hard earning minutes to read the fourth post you’ve had in two days all with different song lyrics exuding a range of emotions spanning from Britney’s Hit me baby one more time, touching on JRB’s I’m still hurting and clocking out with REO Speedwagon’s I can’t fight this feeling anymore. Your feeding into the impulse of posting mundane, outdated or depressing lyrics are taking up more than the desired amount of space on my newsfeed.
You know what else, some of you post the wrong lyrics. Do your research folks. You have internet; hit up letssingit.com or one of the other 50,000 sites that will give you the correct lyrics. Now everybody, I mean EVERYBODY (insert throat clearing noise) knows the lyrics to Old Dirty Bastard – don’t be the fool caught posting the wrong lyrics to Baby I got your money. It’s bad enough you’ve probably been singing the wrong lyrics. I really have to sress here that the focus to this DPTonF blog isn’t posting song lyrics in your facebook status – it’s okay once or twice; every now and again. However some poor unfortunate souls (wait a second when did I become Ursula in Little Mermaid – damn it I’ve gotta stop watching and listening to Disney movies -I’m in my mid twenties) right, some poor unfortunate souls are posting song lyrics in their status ALL the time. Guess what: It’s not cute.
Don’t do it.
~loving you always, the Slut
Some of you hit those really low points and you just can’t take it anymore and you have to post those oozing with depression, wanna slit my wrists (vertical is the best way by the by – don’t half ass it with those horizontal amateur cuts) lyrics that expose all of us to the hopeless world you’re begging not to live in and honestly it’s bringin’ me down. You’re killing the mood yo; I’m gonna need you to take it up a notch maybe post “you are my sunshine, you make me happy” even if you really mean the complete opposite. If you’re not willing to avoid your true feelings then just keep them out of your status. TMI people. Everybody hurts and everybody cries, thank you REM and random person on facebook who updated their status. It’s too much melodrama to subject your fellow facebook peers to. The book of faces is a happy outlet for all of us who work for a living, who take a quick peek in the middle of a shift/day job to get their facebook fix. You’re wasting my precious, less than minimum wage hard earning minutes to read the fourth post you’ve had in two days all with different song lyrics exuding a range of emotions spanning from Britney’s Hit me baby one more time, touching on JRB’s I’m still hurting and clocking out with REO Speedwagon’s I can’t fight this feeling anymore. Your feeding into the impulse of posting mundane, outdated or depressing lyrics are taking up more than the desired amount of space on my newsfeed.
You know what else, some of you post the wrong lyrics. Do your research folks. You have internet; hit up letssingit.com or one of the other 50,000 sites that will give you the correct lyrics. Now everybody, I mean EVERYBODY (insert throat clearing noise) knows the lyrics to Old Dirty Bastard – don’t be the fool caught posting the wrong lyrics to Baby I got your money. It’s bad enough you’ve probably been singing the wrong lyrics. I really have to sress here that the focus to this DPTonF blog isn’t posting song lyrics in your facebook status – it’s okay once or twice; every now and again. However some poor unfortunate souls (wait a second when did I become Ursula in Little Mermaid – damn it I’ve gotta stop watching and listening to Disney movies -I’m in my mid twenties) right, some poor unfortunate souls are posting song lyrics in their status ALL the time. Guess what: It’s not cute.
Don’t do it.
~loving you always, the Slut
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
I'm tired of rumors starting. I'm sick of being followed.
Remember when you were 13 and everyone had just started getting their own personal email addresses? You know, stickygummyworms@hotmail.com or coolguymotocross@yahoo.com. Remember how awesome you thought you were when you could email your friends as much bullshit as you wanted, whenever you wanted? Remember when people would pass on those chain mail emails, like “send this on to 6000 people in the next 4 seconds or you’ll be unlucky in love forever!” type of stuff? Or stupid surveys with questions like “What color are your underwear?”, “Do you have a crush on someone?”, “Are you a totally boring asshat who has nothing better to do but fill out this narcissistic crap?” Oh my God, that was annoying.
Apparently I missed the memo that this has become cool again. Only now, everyone is doing it on Facebook. Now there are notes from people, with most of whom I use the term “friends” quite loosely, popping up on my homepage with titles like “42,394 Random Bullshit Questions” or “Name Game” or “Memories, all alone in the moonlight”. You want to play a name game? I could think of a quite a few for you but they’d all be some variation of the word ASS. So never mind.
Listen Suzy Survey, I’m sure you’re really witty and fun and fascinating and have some really great stories about silly things you’ve done in your past. Like when you got drunk at noon on a Sunday and then fell down the stairs at Toys R Us and sprained your ankle (which DEFINITELY did not happen to me). Maybe one day we’ll get to know one another well enough that we can share these awesome stories and giggle about how hilarious and irreverent we are while braiding each other’s hair and watching Lifetime movies. But until that time comes…please stop.
Yes, yes, I know it’s your Facebook page and you’ll cry if you want to, but I’m just not that into you. (P.S. Does anyone else think the emphasis should be on the “that”? Also, DO NOT mention that movie to The Gay…YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.) Please find another outlet for your need to talk about yourself…like friends. Or lacking that...a dog maybe?
Granted, the “25 things” survey that spreading all over Facebook like herpes right now is not AS bad as some of the others. Relatively speaking. At least that one allows the writer to CHOOSE 25 things that they would like to share with everyone, so if you have an overshare about how you got diarrhea at a Barnes & Noble once – that’s on you. But the others, the word or name associations, the random assortment of questions that are pretty much uninteresting and mundane – save both you and me some time and JUST SAY NO. Navigate away from that note you’re writing and go stalk an ex-boyfriend or something. WHERE ARE YOUR FACEBOOK PRIORITIES?
I don’t want to know what color your underwear are, I don’t want to know what your porn star name is and I certainly don’t need the thought that because I didn’t pass on a chain letter I’m going to die alone. I think that often enough on my own, thanks.
Is it possible we could invent some sort of over the counter medication that would help people fight the urge to fill out every stupid personal questionnaire that comes their way? Or maybe get a support group together? It would be called “People Who Can’t Say No to Sharing Pointless Information to Large Groups of Relative Strangers”. Or PWCSNSPILGRS for short.
See You Next Tuesday,
The Blonde
Apparently I missed the memo that this has become cool again. Only now, everyone is doing it on Facebook. Now there are notes from people, with most of whom I use the term “friends” quite loosely, popping up on my homepage with titles like “42,394 Random Bullshit Questions” or “Name Game” or “Memories, all alone in the moonlight”. You want to play a name game? I could think of a quite a few for you but they’d all be some variation of the word ASS. So never mind.
Listen Suzy Survey, I’m sure you’re really witty and fun and fascinating and have some really great stories about silly things you’ve done in your past. Like when you got drunk at noon on a Sunday and then fell down the stairs at Toys R Us and sprained your ankle (which DEFINITELY did not happen to me). Maybe one day we’ll get to know one another well enough that we can share these awesome stories and giggle about how hilarious and irreverent we are while braiding each other’s hair and watching Lifetime movies. But until that time comes…please stop.
Yes, yes, I know it’s your Facebook page and you’ll cry if you want to, but I’m just not that into you. (P.S. Does anyone else think the emphasis should be on the “that”? Also, DO NOT mention that movie to The Gay…YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.) Please find another outlet for your need to talk about yourself…like friends. Or lacking that...a dog maybe?
Granted, the “25 things” survey that spreading all over Facebook like herpes right now is not AS bad as some of the others. Relatively speaking. At least that one allows the writer to CHOOSE 25 things that they would like to share with everyone, so if you have an overshare about how you got diarrhea at a Barnes & Noble once – that’s on you. But the others, the word or name associations, the random assortment of questions that are pretty much uninteresting and mundane – save both you and me some time and JUST SAY NO. Navigate away from that note you’re writing and go stalk an ex-boyfriend or something. WHERE ARE YOUR FACEBOOK PRIORITIES?
I don’t want to know what color your underwear are, I don’t want to know what your porn star name is and I certainly don’t need the thought that because I didn’t pass on a chain letter I’m going to die alone. I think that often enough on my own, thanks.
Is it possible we could invent some sort of over the counter medication that would help people fight the urge to fill out every stupid personal questionnaire that comes their way? Or maybe get a support group together? It would be called “People Who Can’t Say No to Sharing Pointless Information to Large Groups of Relative Strangers”. Or PWCSNSPILGRS for short.
See You Next Tuesday,
The Blonde
Saturday, February 7, 2009
I would do anything for love, but I won't do that
*I'd like to add a disclaimer to this blog. It may lack some of the normal funny and cleverness a typical DPTonF blog entry may have. "I Love Money 2" is on. I was REALLY busy.
So, loyal DPTonF reader. I have a confession to make. All those times you tried to message me on facebook chat and I didn't answer because I was "Away"...I wasn't. I was actually right there waiting for a moment where I could log off facebook so I didn't have to talk to you. I know I totally deserve an Etta James style ass whipping for that and I'm really, really sorry. But, in my defense I was not without reason for ignoring you. You and I both know I've stalked you obsessively and I know everything that's going on in your life, or if we are actual friends (i.e. I speak to you outside the realm we call the Internet) we don't need to catch up. Frankly, it just makes this already awkward non relationship we have a little more awkward, and we ALL know I don't need anymore awkward relationships in my life.
Lets play our favorite game Hypothetical Conversation we started a few blog entries back. I will once again play all knowing gay with the winning personality, great smile, who somehow can't seem to get a date even though everyone tells him how wonderful he is. And you will once again play unsuspecting victim this blog was created to save. Our setting is a typical day at your computer screen. You, unsuspecting victim, see me, all knowing gay, online and want to talk!
Unsuspecting: Hey! What's up!
All knowing gay: Hey. How are you?!?
Unsuspecting: Good. You?
All knowing gay: Good.
(Twenty minutes passes by and by this point I've stalked every ex boyfriend I've ever had and really need to navigate to a new website)
All Knowing gay: So...
Unsuspecting: ????
Do you see how this might be a bit annoying to me? Do you see how this may make me want to banish you off my friends list never to be heard of again? Good.
My time is precious like a Zac Efron poster. Don't waste it.
Smooches,
The Gay
So, loyal DPTonF reader. I have a confession to make. All those times you tried to message me on facebook chat and I didn't answer because I was "Away"...I wasn't. I was actually right there waiting for a moment where I could log off facebook so I didn't have to talk to you. I know I totally deserve an Etta James style ass whipping for that and I'm really, really sorry. But, in my defense I was not without reason for ignoring you. You and I both know I've stalked you obsessively and I know everything that's going on in your life, or if we are actual friends (i.e. I speak to you outside the realm we call the Internet) we don't need to catch up. Frankly, it just makes this already awkward non relationship we have a little more awkward, and we ALL know I don't need anymore awkward relationships in my life.
Lets play our favorite game Hypothetical Conversation we started a few blog entries back. I will once again play all knowing gay with the winning personality, great smile, who somehow can't seem to get a date even though everyone tells him how wonderful he is. And you will once again play unsuspecting victim this blog was created to save. Our setting is a typical day at your computer screen. You, unsuspecting victim, see me, all knowing gay, online and want to talk!
Unsuspecting: Hey! What's up!
All knowing gay: Hey. How are you?!?
Unsuspecting: Good. You?
All knowing gay: Good.
(Twenty minutes passes by and by this point I've stalked every ex boyfriend I've ever had and really need to navigate to a new website)
All Knowing gay: So...
Unsuspecting: ????
Do you see how this might be a bit annoying to me? Do you see how this may make me want to banish you off my friends list never to be heard of again? Good.
My time is precious like a Zac Efron poster. Don't waste it.
Smooches,
The Gay
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
We'll put a boot in your ass. It's the American way.
Listen, Toby Keith Facebook user…I get it. You’re patriotic. You love this great nation almost as much as you love George W. 24/7 9/11, “these colors don’t run” and all that…I get it.
Hey, no problem. I don’t agree but that’s the brilliance of the good ol’ USA right? It’s perfectly acceptable to have differing opinions and subsequently express said opinions. And why not proudly proclaim your political standpoint on Facebook? Especially around election time last year, things got a little crazy and I admit I got caught up in the Obama fever. I was one of the 4,384,093,937 people to dedicate my status to Obams. And maybe you dedicated yours to Senator McCain and the greatest-insult-ever-made-to-women-because-she-was-supposed-to-represent-us Sarah Palin. Why yes, it’s true, all women ARE shallow morons who can barely put together a coherent thought or sentence let alone keep an eye on our promiscuous sixteen year old daughters. And we cry “sexism” to anyone who will listen every time someone even hints at the fact that we are getting sympathy votes simply because of our gender. But I digress…
Go ahead; say things like “McCain was robbed! I hope Obama can live up to the expectations..sigh…” or “McCain had my vote but witnessing this historical day certainly was amazing” or “My president is black and so are the next four years”.
WAIT.
WHAT?!
Unfortunately, that last statement was an actual Facebook status someone I know chose to share with us on Inauguration Day. Now let me just say, being offensive can sometimes be funny. In fact, I have it listed on my profile as one of my interests so I can certainly take an off-color joke. I’d tell you a couple of my favorites but I’ll wait until we know each other a little better.
However, the person in question did not mean this ironically or in any sort of humorous way. I base that on the fact that previous stati of theirs have been staunchly conservative and/or not funny in the slightest. Yeah, maybe I’m being a little judgmental. GET OVER IT. This person literally chose to broadcast their racist, bigoted, ignorant statement to the masses. HOW VERY TOLERANT.
And listen, just because you’re conservative certainly doesn’t mean I think you are a money-grubbing, whiskey-swilling jackass who spends their weekends going to KKK rallies and burning books. But maybe you are and maybe you do…BITCH, I DON’T KNOW YOUR LIFE. On the flip-side, I consider myself a liberal and even though my parents were long-haired hippies who spent their honeymoon driving across country in their VW mini-bus with their two dogs (all true), I prefer a hot shower, shaving my armpits and I hate the smell of patchouli.
I’m by no means saying you have to agree with Obama or even support him…but who could resist that smile and those abs?! OMG LOLZ ROFLMAO. But if you’re going to openly oppose him as our president why don’t you go ahead and come up with something intelligent to say? Or if that’s too difficult, here’s a novel idea – DON’T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL. And if in actual fact, it turns out you ARE an intolerant bigot (in which case, thanks for reminding me of why I left Ohio) save that shit for your weekly Racists Anonymous meeting. Or there’s about to be a reverse hate crime. Or is it still a hate crime even if the victim is a racist? Whatever.
The point is I HATE YOU FOR SAYING THAT. The fact that you smugly declare your ignorance all over a social networking site is a prime example of things that are wrong with this country and things that President Obams represents changing. What’s next? Are you going to tell me that we should reinstitute slavery? That Jews should be rounded up and put in camps?
Hey, Hitler called and he wants his Mein Kampf back.
Jesus Christ people, can’t we all just get along?
I just hate you and I hate your assface,
The Blonde
P.S. I unfriended you.
Hey, no problem. I don’t agree but that’s the brilliance of the good ol’ USA right? It’s perfectly acceptable to have differing opinions and subsequently express said opinions. And why not proudly proclaim your political standpoint on Facebook? Especially around election time last year, things got a little crazy and I admit I got caught up in the Obama fever. I was one of the 4,384,093,937 people to dedicate my status to Obams. And maybe you dedicated yours to Senator McCain and the greatest-insult-ever-made-to-women-because-she-was-supposed-to-represent-us Sarah Palin. Why yes, it’s true, all women ARE shallow morons who can barely put together a coherent thought or sentence let alone keep an eye on our promiscuous sixteen year old daughters. And we cry “sexism” to anyone who will listen every time someone even hints at the fact that we are getting sympathy votes simply because of our gender. But I digress…
Go ahead; say things like “McCain was robbed! I hope Obama can live up to the expectations..sigh…” or “McCain had my vote but witnessing this historical day certainly was amazing” or “My president is black and so are the next four years”.
WAIT.
WHAT?!
Unfortunately, that last statement was an actual Facebook status someone I know chose to share with us on Inauguration Day. Now let me just say, being offensive can sometimes be funny. In fact, I have it listed on my profile as one of my interests so I can certainly take an off-color joke. I’d tell you a couple of my favorites but I’ll wait until we know each other a little better.
However, the person in question did not mean this ironically or in any sort of humorous way. I base that on the fact that previous stati of theirs have been staunchly conservative and/or not funny in the slightest. Yeah, maybe I’m being a little judgmental. GET OVER IT. This person literally chose to broadcast their racist, bigoted, ignorant statement to the masses. HOW VERY TOLERANT.
And listen, just because you’re conservative certainly doesn’t mean I think you are a money-grubbing, whiskey-swilling jackass who spends their weekends going to KKK rallies and burning books. But maybe you are and maybe you do…BITCH, I DON’T KNOW YOUR LIFE. On the flip-side, I consider myself a liberal and even though my parents were long-haired hippies who spent their honeymoon driving across country in their VW mini-bus with their two dogs (all true), I prefer a hot shower, shaving my armpits and I hate the smell of patchouli.
I’m by no means saying you have to agree with Obama or even support him…but who could resist that smile and those abs?! OMG LOLZ ROFLMAO. But if you’re going to openly oppose him as our president why don’t you go ahead and come up with something intelligent to say? Or if that’s too difficult, here’s a novel idea – DON’T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL. And if in actual fact, it turns out you ARE an intolerant bigot (in which case, thanks for reminding me of why I left Ohio) save that shit for your weekly Racists Anonymous meeting. Or there’s about to be a reverse hate crime. Or is it still a hate crime even if the victim is a racist? Whatever.
The point is I HATE YOU FOR SAYING THAT. The fact that you smugly declare your ignorance all over a social networking site is a prime example of things that are wrong with this country and things that President Obams represents changing. What’s next? Are you going to tell me that we should reinstitute slavery? That Jews should be rounded up and put in camps?
Hey, Hitler called and he wants his Mein Kampf back.
Jesus Christ people, can’t we all just get along?
I just hate you and I hate your assface,
The Blonde
P.S. I unfriended you.
Monday, February 2, 2009
How many times they take your picture Patty??
So today is February 2, 2009 and if you don’t have a facebook, we need to have an intervention. Especially if you’re still workin’ off old school myspace and say goodbye to our friendship if your ass is on friendster! Facebook is so fetch (“stop trying to make fetch happen”) no but it’s the cream of the crop when we’re talking about ..social networks and not bad metaphors referencing crops. Seriously join the book of faces and watch your life be ten times better.
Setting up the account is oober easy: now we’ve discussed the simplicity of the name portion of the set up. You enter your name and your name only – again, shouldn’t be too hard. Ya know what else isn’t too hard: the picture portion. Now let me make it clear in case you’re one of those people. The picture is supposed to be of you. I’m sure you have several, choose any one. (keep in mind when choosing one should adhere to a previous entry where the gay outlines the rubric for appropriate photos) other than that it could be the one of you dressed as a puple plush unicorn or your headshot – outdated as it may be, maybe just a candid photo someone took of you at a party. But tell me why? Why would you choose a picture that’s
1.) not only not of you but
2.) isn’t even a person.
The beach is pretty, I’ve seen it. That really special tree in central park: also lovely – keep ‘em on facebook – put them in an album but why choose it as the photo that’s supposed to represent you? People trying to find you that come up with several “Margo Jane Hanssenn” profiles will not know who you are if they’re looking at a photo of a caterpillar in metamorphosis. We wanna see that freckled, four eyed, spiral curled red head we knew in high school (or what you’ve turned into over the years) not a mid morph butterfly. It’s just helpful as we’re on here to meet and keep in touch with people.
And for those of you opting against the profile picture and have that sky blue/murky gray silhouette of a person (or those of you who remember the old days: that question mark), to those people I say why are you on facebook??? How hard is it, seriously? If you don’t have a photo up then we can’t properly stalk you and if not on facebook for stalking, what are you here for? What’s the point? If you can’t be bothered to put a picture up, you’re damn sure not bothered to fill out the rest of the profile or even get on from time to time and do anything. (And people sub story here: fill out the whole profile: none of this join facebook and every category is blank, you have less than 5 friends and no witty repartee – again how are we supposed to stalk you.)
Ps. Don’t pull that “I don’t have a photo” cuz ya do and if you don’t I’m sure someone else on facebook does – use that one. Be resourceful, not lazy. If you truly don’t have a pic to use - then I say go ahead and upload that thumbnail image of the rustling leaves where no human is present. This is for a temporary time though. There’s a leeway that I’ll get into later but this above portion was more so for you people that start a profile with that particular photo that you happened to have at the moment and then you never get around to changing it.
The profile picture is of significant importance people, it says a lot about you and gives a sneak peak of your personality. So though you were also advised against the nudey pics in a previous blog I’d like to piggy back that and say when you have one of those ill advised, photos of your nearly nude gumby resembling body wearing a top hat showing off your rib bones or that artistic angle of you in the shower as your profile pic we think that means you’re an attention whore or whore in general. I kid, I kid – no need to throw around harsh words. It’s just it’s not the best choice for a profile picture. Nor is the famous photo of Marilyn with the flowy dress over the sidewalk grate – we know you’re not that celebrity, don’t play.
I will give you leeway on the profile photo. I don’t have a problem (not that I’m the maker of all rules sanctioning facebook profile photos…but I mean this blog was created b/c we do have a keen eye and sharp judgement for these things) right, right back to what I was saying: I don’t have a problem with occasionally for a short period of time having a photo up of something/someone other than you. For instance when you’re supporting someone
ie. 2009 presidential election I’m all about you sporting your Kodak moments of Obams. When WallE came out, it was brilliant – no shame in puttin’ the cute li’l guy as your profile picture. However it’s a momentary thing folks. Move on and repost that good ‘ole fashioned photo of your bright, beautiful face.
~le slut
Setting up the account is oober easy: now we’ve discussed the simplicity of the name portion of the set up. You enter your name and your name only – again, shouldn’t be too hard. Ya know what else isn’t too hard: the picture portion. Now let me make it clear in case you’re one of those people. The picture is supposed to be of you. I’m sure you have several, choose any one. (keep in mind when choosing one should adhere to a previous entry where the gay outlines the rubric for appropriate photos) other than that it could be the one of you dressed as a puple plush unicorn or your headshot – outdated as it may be, maybe just a candid photo someone took of you at a party. But tell me why? Why would you choose a picture that’s
1.) not only not of you but
2.) isn’t even a person.
The beach is pretty, I’ve seen it. That really special tree in central park: also lovely – keep ‘em on facebook – put them in an album but why choose it as the photo that’s supposed to represent you? People trying to find you that come up with several “Margo Jane Hanssenn” profiles will not know who you are if they’re looking at a photo of a caterpillar in metamorphosis. We wanna see that freckled, four eyed, spiral curled red head we knew in high school (or what you’ve turned into over the years) not a mid morph butterfly. It’s just helpful as we’re on here to meet and keep in touch with people.
And for those of you opting against the profile picture and have that sky blue/murky gray silhouette of a person (or those of you who remember the old days: that question mark), to those people I say why are you on facebook??? How hard is it, seriously? If you don’t have a photo up then we can’t properly stalk you and if not on facebook for stalking, what are you here for? What’s the point? If you can’t be bothered to put a picture up, you’re damn sure not bothered to fill out the rest of the profile or even get on from time to time and do anything. (And people sub story here: fill out the whole profile: none of this join facebook and every category is blank, you have less than 5 friends and no witty repartee – again how are we supposed to stalk you.)
Ps. Don’t pull that “I don’t have a photo” cuz ya do and if you don’t I’m sure someone else on facebook does – use that one. Be resourceful, not lazy. If you truly don’t have a pic to use - then I say go ahead and upload that thumbnail image of the rustling leaves where no human is present. This is for a temporary time though. There’s a leeway that I’ll get into later but this above portion was more so for you people that start a profile with that particular photo that you happened to have at the moment and then you never get around to changing it.
The profile picture is of significant importance people, it says a lot about you and gives a sneak peak of your personality. So though you were also advised against the nudey pics in a previous blog I’d like to piggy back that and say when you have one of those ill advised, photos of your nearly nude gumby resembling body wearing a top hat showing off your rib bones or that artistic angle of you in the shower as your profile pic we think that means you’re an attention whore or whore in general. I kid, I kid – no need to throw around harsh words. It’s just it’s not the best choice for a profile picture. Nor is the famous photo of Marilyn with the flowy dress over the sidewalk grate – we know you’re not that celebrity, don’t play.
I will give you leeway on the profile photo. I don’t have a problem (not that I’m the maker of all rules sanctioning facebook profile photos…but I mean this blog was created b/c we do have a keen eye and sharp judgement for these things) right, right back to what I was saying: I don’t have a problem with occasionally for a short period of time having a photo up of something/someone other than you. For instance when you’re supporting someone
ie. 2009 presidential election I’m all about you sporting your Kodak moments of Obams. When WallE came out, it was brilliant – no shame in puttin’ the cute li’l guy as your profile picture. However it’s a momentary thing folks. Move on and repost that good ‘ole fashioned photo of your bright, beautiful face.
~le slut
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