I'm tired of rumors starting. I'm sick of being followed.

Remember when you were 13 and everyone had just started getting their own personal email addresses? You know, stickygummyworms@hotmail.com or coolguymotocross@yahoo.com. Remember how awesome you thought you were when you could email your friends as much bullshit as you wanted, whenever you wanted? Remember when people would pass on those chain mail emails, like “send this on to 6000 people in the next 4 seconds or you’ll be unlucky in love forever!” type of stuff? Or stupid surveys with questions like “What color are your underwear?”, “Do you have a crush on someone?”, “Are you a totally boring asshat who has nothing better to do but fill out this narcissistic crap?” Oh my God, that was annoying.

Apparently I missed the memo that this has become cool again. Only now, everyone is doing it on Facebook. Now there are notes from people, with most of whom I use the term “friends” quite loosely, popping up on my homepage with titles like “42,394 Random Bullshit Questions” or “Name Game” or “Memories, all alone in the moonlight”. You want to play a name game? I could think of a quite a few for you but they’d all be some variation of the word ASS. So never mind.

Listen Suzy Survey, I’m sure you’re really witty and fun and fascinating and have some really great stories about silly things you’ve done in your past. Like when you got drunk at noon on a Sunday and then fell down the stairs at Toys R Us and sprained your ankle (which DEFINITELY did not happen to me). Maybe one day we’ll get to know one another well enough that we can share these awesome stories and giggle about how hilarious and irreverent we are while braiding each other’s hair and watching Lifetime movies. But until that time comes…please stop.

Yes, yes, I know it’s your Facebook page and you’ll cry if you want to, but I’m just not that into you. (P.S. Does anyone else think the emphasis should be on the “that”? Also, DO NOT mention that movie to The Gay…YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.) Please find another outlet for your need to talk about yourself…like friends. Or lacking that...a dog maybe?

Granted, the “25 things” survey that spreading all over Facebook like herpes right now is not AS bad as some of the others. Relatively speaking. At least that one allows the writer to CHOOSE 25 things that they would like to share with everyone, so if you have an overshare about how you got diarrhea at a Barnes & Noble once – that’s on you. But the others, the word or name associations, the random assortment of questions that are pretty much uninteresting and mundane – save both you and me some time and JUST SAY NO. Navigate away from that note you’re writing and go stalk an ex-boyfriend or something. WHERE ARE YOUR FACEBOOK PRIORITIES?

I don’t want to know what color your underwear are, I don’t want to know what your porn star name is and I certainly don’t need the thought that because I didn’t pass on a chain letter I’m going to die alone. I think that often enough on my own, thanks.

Is it possible we could invent some sort of over the counter medication that would help people fight the urge to fill out every stupid personal questionnaire that comes their way? Or maybe get a support group together? It would be called “People Who Can’t Say No to Sharing Pointless Information to Large Groups of Relative Strangers”. Or PWCSNSPILGRS for short.

See You Next Tuesday,

The Blonde