Shalom, y'all. That greeting is probably better coming from the mouth of The Jew, but it seems oddly fitting coming from me as well. That’s right, facehookers… it’s Blockbuster again.
As swimsuit season draws ever closer (despite the fact that this “summer” has been wetter than an insecure child’s bedsheets during a Freddy Kreuger dream), we must all partake in that age old tradition that lies in the back of your mind even as you visually ravage this entry. You know what I’m writing about. It’s been nagging on your mind since you read the term, “swimsuit season” about 9.2 seconds ago. I’m talking about Trimming the Fat. Hardening the Muffin Top. Firming your Buttocks. Hacking away at your FUPA like Jason Voorhees does to a snarky camp counselor. Nobody really likes to talk about it, but everyone does it. You step out of the shower, catch your reflection in the mirror, and your smile drops faster than W. Bush’s approval rating (Hah! Still funny!). You make some attempts. Go to the gym a few times, and pray for an 80’s style montage to kick-in to fast-forward your body toning. Sorry to disappoint you, Ralph Macchio… it won’t. It takes time. In the meantime, put down the Ranch Dip and maybe do some cardio. Just kidding, The Gay… even The Slut thinks you’re smoking hot!
So… you might be asking yourself, “Self? How is my dear Blockbuster going to turn this into a DPToFB blog? What does this have to do with my beloved book of faces? Is he saying my face is fat? Are my jowls becoming puffy? Should I do some chin-crunches? What ARE chin-crunches? Wait! Can I DO those? Seriously… if I get any more chins, I’m going to have to move into a crappy house and raise a troubled Johnny Depp and a retarded Leo DiCaprio! I want a knight in shimmering armor! What does that even mean??”
I’m going to let you wait for an answer. It won’t come. So I’ll press on. You DO have a fat face. It’s time to trim the fat from your face(book). It’s time to pull up a beanbag chair, sip a bottle of Hater-ade… and cut the fat from your friends list. Have you ever looked over your friends list and wondered WHY you’re friends with some of these people? I’m not speaking to the losers who add people they don’t even know… they have deeper issues that can only be solved through an intervention. I’m talking about people who friend someone simply because they have some obscure connection. It’s time to take a long, hard look over your friends list and ask yourself WHY you’re friends with some of these people. If you can’t give yourself a satisfactory answer… it might be time to move on. If you facebook-love someone… let them go. If they come back and try to re-friend you… they’re pathetic and you suddenly feel better about your life! See? Faster and better than anti-depressants!
Seriously. Do some Facebookardio…
Fatass.
~Blockbuster
Friday, May 29, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Tumble outta bed and stumble to the kitchen pour myself a cup of ambition.
Wait a second? Did I just read that correctly? No. It can't be.
Did you just invite me to become a fan...of YOU? Seriously? Seriously?!!!
This just happened to me not even five minutes ago. I haven't even had time to breathe. I need to dissect this in the form of a blog.
One, up until this point I wasn't even aware you could invite someone to be a fan of something. Two, do you really need a facebook page AND a fan page? Three, YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING IMPORTANT! You aren't an actor or singer....you don't make me laugh, you aren't famous or anything. Basically you are a normal human being and you want me to become a fan of your normalness. You have just become (and I'm sure I'll receive a lot of flack on this one) the Susan Boyle of my Facebook world (not that there's anything wrong with Susan Boyle its just that she is just mediocre at best and I don't get why everyone was all on her shit...glad to get that off my chest)
I think this is just another case of facebook gone too far. I was all about becoming fans of things and then (as the blonde discussed previously) it got out of hand, but THIS...this is just too much. I'm sure your mama thinks you are the best thing to happen since the Real Housewives of New York Reunion (seriously. How good was that shit?) but I'm not about it. Shit, I think there are some Real-life ACTUALLY talented ACTUALLY famous people that shouldn't have their own fan pages. So pretty much what I'm saying is this is NOT okay.
AND one more thing I DON'T want to follow you on Twitter.
The grass isn't always greener...even if you use fertilizer...
-The Gay
Did you just invite me to become a fan...of YOU? Seriously? Seriously?!!!
This just happened to me not even five minutes ago. I haven't even had time to breathe. I need to dissect this in the form of a blog.
One, up until this point I wasn't even aware you could invite someone to be a fan of something. Two, do you really need a facebook page AND a fan page? Three, YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING IMPORTANT! You aren't an actor or singer....you don't make me laugh, you aren't famous or anything. Basically you are a normal human being and you want me to become a fan of your normalness. You have just become (and I'm sure I'll receive a lot of flack on this one) the Susan Boyle of my Facebook world (not that there's anything wrong with Susan Boyle its just that she is just mediocre at best and I don't get why everyone was all on her shit...glad to get that off my chest)
I think this is just another case of facebook gone too far. I was all about becoming fans of things and then (as the blonde discussed previously) it got out of hand, but THIS...this is just too much. I'm sure your mama thinks you are the best thing to happen since the Real Housewives of New York Reunion (seriously. How good was that shit?) but I'm not about it. Shit, I think there are some Real-life ACTUALLY talented ACTUALLY famous people that shouldn't have their own fan pages. So pretty much what I'm saying is this is NOT okay.
AND one more thing I DON'T want to follow you on Twitter.
The grass isn't always greener...even if you use fertilizer...
-The Gay
Monday, May 4, 2009
Bitches ain't shit but hos and tricks
O. M. G. you guys, I know I’ve been absent. I know you’ve missed me. But I know you’ll understand when I say I’ve been reallllly busy NOT freaking out about getting swine flu (IT’S JUST THE FLU, WHAT IS ALL THE HULABALOO ABOUT? AM I MISSING SOMETHING?), re-living my college glory days (which is in NO WAY pathetic, so shut your yap) and anxiously awaiting the debut of The Real Housewives of New Jersey – which is gonna be a shitshow…and we all know I love those.
Anyhooter, excuses aside…will someone please explain this “Become a Fan of (insert random arbitrary thing/person/activity here)”? I don’t get it. I really don’t. How is this any different from joining a group? And why do I care? And if you are really that big a fan of Ashton Kutcher – shouldn’t it be in your profile?
In this day and age I understand our incessant need to personalize everything to express our individuality…cell phone ringtones, ironic message tees, radio stations that only play the music you like, etc. etc. I am guilty of all of these things also…but at some point don’t you realize that EVERYONE ELSE just became a fan of “Not Being on Fire” too – so you’re really not that special? Sorry to burst your bubble Whiney Whitney, but if you’re trying to be unique…I think you missed the boat when you JOINED FACEBOOK. I’m not saying we can’t all like the same things; it’s called POPULAR culture for a reason. But please don’t fool yourself into thinking that your friends are gonna think you’re cute for becoming a fan of “The Weekend”.
Please stop stating the obvious with this bullshit – EVERYONE likes the weekend, not being on fire and sleeping…EVERYONE. But not EVERYONE feels the need to proclaim it to the Facebook community like “Napping” is the latest craze to hit junior high.
And really, when I see the random crap you choose to become a fan of – it makes me further question our probably already vague Facebook friendship… Like if you decide to become a fan of “XD” (as in the stupid emoticon smiley face with letters bullshit. And yes, that is a real fan page – I DO MY FACEBOOK RESEARCH, PEOPLE.) I might decide to become a fan of unfriend-ing you. SO DON’T PUSH ME.
Also, there are literally pages called “I <3 my Mom”. So, that would make you a fan of loving your mom? (Making “Your mom” jokes is obvious here, don’t even bother.) Now, I love my mama and all and I expect you do too…obviously…because you’re a fan of it. Isn’t that a little redundant? I mean, you already LOVE her…but now you’re a FAN of that love? Toot your own horn much, slick?
And lastly, and maybe most importantly is when people become fans of celebrities or actors AFTER they pass away. For instance, as we all know, Natasha Richardson and Bea Arthur recently passed away – and all sarcasm aside, it is very sad and they were very well-loved and respected ladies. But REALLY? After Bea died, every gay I know jumped on the rainbow bandwagon and became a fan of her. Girls, I don’t doubt you were a fan of Maude and Bea and her rendition of “Don’t Rain on My Parade”…but that was never really in question, was it? I find it a LITTLE suspicious when 50 of my friends become fans of someone who died last week. I feel pretty confident in saying that most of you probably haven’t thought twice about Natasha Richardson in the past year. But if you insist on proving your devotion why don’t you honor them the respectable way by watching a Golden Girls/Parent Trap marathon in your pajamas and eating your way through a couple pints of ice cream and a pizza? All I can say is, BEEN THERE DONE THAT.
I know my DPTonF counterparts may disagree with me on this one a bit. And for the record, I DO NOT CONDONE THEIR BEHAVIOR. Really, Gay? You became a fan of “Aretha Franklin’s Inauguration Hat”? REALLY?
If I become a fan of every random blip on the pop culture horizon that I thought was funny or even slightly amusing or every band that I’ve ever liked or every restaurant I’ve eaten at, my fan page section would go on for years. So, I’m just gonna skip it and let you know that if a majority of the Facebook populations is a fan of Gummy Bears or Dave Matthews Band – you can safely assume that I have probably enjoyed them from time to time as well.
And if you really feel that strongly about “Evanescence” or “Piercings” or “Ice Cream” and you just need to let the world know, list it as an interest or activity and CALL IT A DAY.
AND don’t invite me to become a fan of your band or your Christian service organization because I. AM. NOT. INTERESTED. I’m a fan of ONE thing and it’s my BF’s music group…so, I basically got roped into that one…
How about this – I am a fan of NOT BEING A FAN OF STUFF.
SUCK IT.
Winky smiley face,
The Blonde
Anyhooter, excuses aside…will someone please explain this “Become a Fan of (insert random arbitrary thing/person/activity here)”? I don’t get it. I really don’t. How is this any different from joining a group? And why do I care? And if you are really that big a fan of Ashton Kutcher – shouldn’t it be in your profile?
In this day and age I understand our incessant need to personalize everything to express our individuality…cell phone ringtones, ironic message tees, radio stations that only play the music you like, etc. etc. I am guilty of all of these things also…but at some point don’t you realize that EVERYONE ELSE just became a fan of “Not Being on Fire” too – so you’re really not that special? Sorry to burst your bubble Whiney Whitney, but if you’re trying to be unique…I think you missed the boat when you JOINED FACEBOOK. I’m not saying we can’t all like the same things; it’s called POPULAR culture for a reason. But please don’t fool yourself into thinking that your friends are gonna think you’re cute for becoming a fan of “The Weekend”.
Please stop stating the obvious with this bullshit – EVERYONE likes the weekend, not being on fire and sleeping…EVERYONE. But not EVERYONE feels the need to proclaim it to the Facebook community like “Napping” is the latest craze to hit junior high.
And really, when I see the random crap you choose to become a fan of – it makes me further question our probably already vague Facebook friendship… Like if you decide to become a fan of “XD” (as in the stupid emoticon smiley face with letters bullshit. And yes, that is a real fan page – I DO MY FACEBOOK RESEARCH, PEOPLE.) I might decide to become a fan of unfriend-ing you. SO DON’T PUSH ME.
Also, there are literally pages called “I <3 my Mom”. So, that would make you a fan of loving your mom? (Making “Your mom” jokes is obvious here, don’t even bother.) Now, I love my mama and all and I expect you do too…obviously…because you’re a fan of it. Isn’t that a little redundant? I mean, you already LOVE her…but now you’re a FAN of that love? Toot your own horn much, slick?
And lastly, and maybe most importantly is when people become fans of celebrities or actors AFTER they pass away. For instance, as we all know, Natasha Richardson and Bea Arthur recently passed away – and all sarcasm aside, it is very sad and they were very well-loved and respected ladies. But REALLY? After Bea died, every gay I know jumped on the rainbow bandwagon and became a fan of her. Girls, I don’t doubt you were a fan of Maude and Bea and her rendition of “Don’t Rain on My Parade”…but that was never really in question, was it? I find it a LITTLE suspicious when 50 of my friends become fans of someone who died last week. I feel pretty confident in saying that most of you probably haven’t thought twice about Natasha Richardson in the past year. But if you insist on proving your devotion why don’t you honor them the respectable way by watching a Golden Girls/Parent Trap marathon in your pajamas and eating your way through a couple pints of ice cream and a pizza? All I can say is, BEEN THERE DONE THAT.
I know my DPTonF counterparts may disagree with me on this one a bit. And for the record, I DO NOT CONDONE THEIR BEHAVIOR. Really, Gay? You became a fan of “Aretha Franklin’s Inauguration Hat”? REALLY?
If I become a fan of every random blip on the pop culture horizon that I thought was funny or even slightly amusing or every band that I’ve ever liked or every restaurant I’ve eaten at, my fan page section would go on for years. So, I’m just gonna skip it and let you know that if a majority of the Facebook populations is a fan of Gummy Bears or Dave Matthews Band – you can safely assume that I have probably enjoyed them from time to time as well.
And if you really feel that strongly about “Evanescence” or “Piercings” or “Ice Cream” and you just need to let the world know, list it as an interest or activity and CALL IT A DAY.
AND don’t invite me to become a fan of your band or your Christian service organization because I. AM. NOT. INTERESTED. I’m a fan of ONE thing and it’s my BF’s music group…so, I basically got roped into that one…
How about this – I am a fan of NOT BEING A FAN OF STUFF.
SUCK IT.
Winky smiley face,
The Blonde
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Eh, Eh, Nothing Else I Can Say
Poking.
Don’t poke me. Say hi, tell me what you’re up to. What recent one night stand gone awry did you recently struggle to bounce back from? Who did you hear just came out, came available or drove their car into the wall of a dormitory building while intoxicated, who just fell down the escalator of the Times Square Toys R Us, what rowdiness went down at the Wright State Maydays, who watched Chihuahua and enjoyed it (no names), what roommate of yours is dating a Mr Softee driver to get free ice cream? Gimme the goods. What juicy gossip can I get out of a poke? Unless we’re talking about the other kind of poke, tee hee! Too far, well that’s me – always takin’ it over the line.
Where is the poke button anymore anyway? And superpoke, really? Did that function on FB need advancement?? Newsflash: if I didn’t want you to poke me, I also don’t want you to: throw a sheep at me, chest bump, hug, adopt a pet with, blow a kiss at me, high five, knit a scarf for, blow bubbles with, (you get the point). What’s with the negative ones?? I definitely don’t want you to do any of these to me: dropkick, b!*$% slap, roundhouse kick, breathe fire on, etc. Some of them are just gross and wierd: Rock the grannie pantie or fling a thong at. Maybe it means I’m going to hell but coming across the one “build a child’s future with” just made me laugh. These little actions you’re choosing to do in cyber space is not cute, not real, not funny, dumb and makes you look sorta pathetic – get some friends or frenemies off the facebook and do those things to them in the real world and perhaps then you’ll get a response; until then most of us will just ignore your superpoke. I say we’ll ignore your superpoke, because I’ll usually give a customary courtesy generic poke back. I will not however begin or participate in a poke war with you, so don’t do it.
Also, you don’t need to tell someone you’ve poked them; that’s the thing, you poked them – they’ll get a notification.
Ps nobody pokes anymore, that’s so 2004*!
*Year facebook was created
the all hating PEPSI, slut
Don’t poke me. Say hi, tell me what you’re up to. What recent one night stand gone awry did you recently struggle to bounce back from? Who did you hear just came out, came available or drove their car into the wall of a dormitory building while intoxicated, who just fell down the escalator of the Times Square Toys R Us, what rowdiness went down at the Wright State Maydays, who watched Chihuahua and enjoyed it (no names), what roommate of yours is dating a Mr Softee driver to get free ice cream? Gimme the goods. What juicy gossip can I get out of a poke? Unless we’re talking about the other kind of poke, tee hee! Too far, well that’s me – always takin’ it over the line.
Where is the poke button anymore anyway? And superpoke, really? Did that function on FB need advancement?? Newsflash: if I didn’t want you to poke me, I also don’t want you to: throw a sheep at me, chest bump, hug, adopt a pet with, blow a kiss at me, high five, knit a scarf for, blow bubbles with, (you get the point). What’s with the negative ones?? I definitely don’t want you to do any of these to me: dropkick, b!*$% slap, roundhouse kick, breathe fire on, etc. Some of them are just gross and wierd: Rock the grannie pantie or fling a thong at. Maybe it means I’m going to hell but coming across the one “build a child’s future with” just made me laugh. These little actions you’re choosing to do in cyber space is not cute, not real, not funny, dumb and makes you look sorta pathetic – get some friends or frenemies off the facebook and do those things to them in the real world and perhaps then you’ll get a response; until then most of us will just ignore your superpoke. I say we’ll ignore your superpoke, because I’ll usually give a customary courtesy generic poke back. I will not however begin or participate in a poke war with you, so don’t do it.
Also, you don’t need to tell someone you’ve poked them; that’s the thing, you poked them – they’ll get a notification.
Ps nobody pokes anymore, that’s so 2004*!
*Year facebook was created
the all hating PEPSI, slut
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Boom Boom Pow
Righty o then, I think we’re in need of timely update. Please take your seat, and mind the tea – it’s still a bit hot.
There’s words to be had regarding the status on facebook, amongst a few other things I may delve into while I’ve got your attention. How’s the tea? I need more sugar, but then you could’ve guessed that.
The status function: in a previous dptonf blog we’ve gone over what is appropriate for a status update and likewise the not so good ones, such as “so and so is eating an apple”. Perhaps we should remind you that this is a short tid bit; put your novel away Tolstoy.
It’s no secret that we here in Pangea are friends with Tim Gunn, and as he would say “People, you need to use an editing eye,carry on". A wall post should not take up the size of my iPhone screen. I know what you’re thinking, ‘But what if I don’t have an iPhone? How will I gauge the appropriate length of my wall post?” to that I say: “no iPhone, INFERIOR!” snide remarks aside, if it’s over a few lines, that shit belongs in an email or send that person a message if you still insist on using facebook as your outlet. C’mon I could read War & Peace faster than some of the epic wall posts I’ve seen lately..yeah I’m a fast reader – get off me. If you’re having trouble trimming your wall posts down to the dptonf approval standards, double check your subject issue. Anything outside witty repartee*, inside jokes, well wishes, or other relatively short messages is probably too much personal info that can’t usually be contained in truncated form. And I expect that you all know by now our response when posting too much personal info; I’ll give you a hint (the name of our blog)!
*rep•ar•tee
Pronunciation: \ˌre-pər-ˈtē, -ˌpär-, -ˈtā\
Function: noun
Etymology: French repartie, from repartir to retort, from Middle French, from re- + partir to divide — more at part
Date: circa 1645
1 a: a quick and witty reply b: a succession or interchange of clever retorts : amusing and usually light sparring with words
Also commenting on peoples’ stati; that’s just it, leave a comment. What’s with this “likes this” BS. Elaborate;what do you like about it? We all know I’ve never been short for words; I expect to hear my friends thoughts not see an electronic thumbs up and know you like it. “like it” is a response you give your grams when she gives you that special calico print sweater for your 16th birthday; keep it real. Tell me how it is and chunk the thumbs up.
I’ve seen on occasion this battle betwixt comments on stati -why can’t we all just get a long? It’s FACEBOOK, don’t get all up in arms. It’s hard to read tone electronically anyhow, perhaps you have misread someone, cool your jets before you post that heated response. And don’t be so passive aggressive. Be the better man and just don’t respond to that moron that’s chosen to get rowdy on the insignificant wall post – again this isn’t an argument about me sleeping with your baby mamma. It’s not a deep rooted drama, drink your juice Shelby.
well the chamomile must be kicking in
cheerio chap,
the slut
There’s words to be had regarding the status on facebook, amongst a few other things I may delve into while I’ve got your attention. How’s the tea? I need more sugar, but then you could’ve guessed that.
The status function: in a previous dptonf blog we’ve gone over what is appropriate for a status update and likewise the not so good ones, such as “so and so is eating an apple”. Perhaps we should remind you that this is a short tid bit; put your novel away Tolstoy.
It’s no secret that we here in Pangea are friends with Tim Gunn, and as he would say “People, you need to use an editing eye,carry on". A wall post should not take up the size of my iPhone screen. I know what you’re thinking, ‘But what if I don’t have an iPhone? How will I gauge the appropriate length of my wall post?” to that I say: “no iPhone, INFERIOR!” snide remarks aside, if it’s over a few lines, that shit belongs in an email or send that person a message if you still insist on using facebook as your outlet. C’mon I could read War & Peace faster than some of the epic wall posts I’ve seen lately..yeah I’m a fast reader – get off me. If you’re having trouble trimming your wall posts down to the dptonf approval standards, double check your subject issue. Anything outside witty repartee*, inside jokes, well wishes, or other relatively short messages is probably too much personal info that can’t usually be contained in truncated form. And I expect that you all know by now our response when posting too much personal info; I’ll give you a hint (the name of our blog)!
*rep•ar•tee
Pronunciation: \ˌre-pər-ˈtē, -ˌpär-, -ˈtā\
Function: noun
Etymology: French repartie, from repartir to retort, from Middle French, from re- + partir to divide — more at part
Date: circa 1645
1 a: a quick and witty reply b: a succession or interchange of clever retorts : amusing and usually light sparring with words
Also commenting on peoples’ stati; that’s just it, leave a comment. What’s with this “likes this” BS. Elaborate;what do you like about it? We all know I’ve never been short for words; I expect to hear my friends thoughts not see an electronic thumbs up and know you like it. “like it” is a response you give your grams when she gives you that special calico print sweater for your 16th birthday; keep it real. Tell me how it is and chunk the thumbs up.
I’ve seen on occasion this battle betwixt comments on stati -why can’t we all just get a long? It’s FACEBOOK, don’t get all up in arms. It’s hard to read tone electronically anyhow, perhaps you have misread someone, cool your jets before you post that heated response. And don’t be so passive aggressive. Be the better man and just don’t respond to that moron that’s chosen to get rowdy on the insignificant wall post – again this isn’t an argument about me sleeping with your baby mamma. It’s not a deep rooted drama, drink your juice Shelby.
well the chamomile must be kicking in
cheerio chap,
the slut
Friday, April 3, 2009
Truly Madly Deeply Do
It is a dreary Thursday evening. The Slut, The Blonde and The Gay have assumed their usual positions on Pangea’s Golden Girls-esque La-Z-Boy furniture. They are armed with the TV on, laptops on laps and iDevices in hand. They are trolling Facebook looking for something shocking/funny/disgusting/distressing to discuss and publicly ridicule. It isn’t long until The Gay comes across two videos posted on two separate friends’ walls.
One is a young woman’s parents video-messaging their beloved daughter who is away. They candidly talk about their weekend and their love of musical theater and make kissy faces on this poor, unsuspecting young woman’s wall. They are so embarrassingly corny and sweet and earnest that it could pass for a SNL sketch.
The other video that is stumbled upon is of a far darker, upsetting nature. It is of a young man who out of love for his lover decides to video himself poorly lip-syncing to a very popular 90s tune known as “Truly Madly Deeply” by Savage Garden. And then it was proudly posted on lover’s wall for all his friends and stalkers to see.
The three friends, armed with their trusty computers decided to address this issue as a group so as to make sure they were heard loud and clear.
The Blonde: Ok let's do this shit. Valued readers, honored friends – welcome to the first-ever multi-blog.
The Slut: So tonight is a day that will live in infamy. Ooh sorry not a presidential speech. But still, good moment - we came across some good shit tonight folks.
The Blonde: We need to talk about a subject so serious, so...heart-breakingly embarrassing…
The Slut: Only your mom could console you. And maybe she'll do so by posting a web cam clip on your wall...oh wait…she did!
The Blonde: Um...The Gay - think you could get off Facebook for like 5 goddamnn minutes to join us? I CAN SEE YOU.
The Gay: Oh. Sorry. I'm busy looking for inspiration/vommiting in my mouth
The Blonde: I think you spelled vomiting wrong. ANYWAY
The Gay: But anyway. Moving on.
The Blonde: Oh listen, we should mention that The Jew can't be with us tonight. HIT ZE SHOWAZ. Too soon?
The Slut: Never.
The Gay: ...awkward silence…
The Slut: Is what happens when everyone sees that video you posted to your lover on Facebook.
The Blonde: And you're badly lip syncing to a 90s pop song. And you didn't even take the time to look up the right lyrics.
The Gay: Seriously?!?
The Slut: Trust me I know; when I was in 5th grade, I loved that song!
The Blonde: Bitch you don't love your BF that much if you can't even be bothered to look up the lyrics.
The Gay: Like I've said before.
The Slut: Shit son!
The Gay: Love is a lie. At least make me think you put some effort into the video.
The Blonde: Let me just put this out there as a DPTonF PSA (so many acronyms)
DON'T POST VIDEO MESSAGES OF A PERSONAL NATURE ON SOMEONE'S PUBLIC FACEBOOK WALL
The Slut: It's too much. TMI.
The Blonde: RIGHT?
The Gay: Cause I will find them. Laugh at them. And show my friends.
The Slut: I'm pretty sure he (the unfortunate targeted audience of your video) may not even want to see that.
I won’t be your dream and it's my fantasy to never have someone send me shit like that.
I won’t be faithful.
Not to your pathetic ass.
The Blonde: I mean, ok...so your Mom can't really use Facebook and that's sort of endearing
The Slut: Or a web cam.
The Blonde: But you should not allow your parents' technological illiteracy to be the butt of someone else's ridicule.
Hahaha BUTT
The Gay: I mean, this is all part of bigger more serious entry we will get into later
The Blonde: We will?
The Gay: All I have to say is this. The day my Mom gets on Facebook is the day my life ends. Cause its the day I delete my account.
The Slut: Ooh,the lyrics of this song are even too much.
The Blonde: I actually don't want the sky to fall down on me. That sounds painful.
The Gay: And really…(going back to the lyrics of this song). Don't you have some newer bad top 40 to make your song?
The Slut: Did this even make the cut on MTV's ridiculous 90's crap video recap. Or whatever those are called?
The Gay: No, it didn't.
The Blonde: Right? Savage Garden was so 8th grade dance. LEAVE ROOM FOR JESUS
The Gay: Don't ask me how I know that.
Guys, I think I want our song to be All My Life by K-Ci and Jo Jo.
The Blonde: Isn't one of them a crack head?
The Gay: Expect videos on all your walls with me singing it.
The Blonde: And also, K-Ci and Jo Jo. I don't want to be close to you like your brother, mother, sister, cousin. That's call incest.
The Gay: Did anyone see that video of one of them passing out on stage?
The Blonde: And it is ILLEGAL. Not to mention EW
The Slut: But we digress…
The Blonde: I'm all about digression.
The Gay: I guess what we here at Pangea are trying to say is this: We are REALLY glad you are in a great relationship. And that your parents miss you.
The Slut: (We have sweet shirts that say PANGEA) Are you jeal?
The Gay: But seriously people
The Slut: And how can you not comment on a video like that?? But the comments were blatantly obligatory and distracted from truth and were all "your parents are so cute”
The Blonde: And we're really glad you're in love (but not really, because we're not very sentimental and we're pretty cynical so all that lovey-dovey pooky bullshit just makes us want to vomit all over our keyboards) but that's what email is for...private stuff you don't intend to share with the masses.
And if your Midwestern parents don't know how to properly use Facebook (god knows mine don't (thank baby Jesus))...don't allow them to be there...get Skype bitch
The Slut: AMEN
The Blonde: GAYMEN
The Slut: It's free, private, easy to use - like a phone...there's another idea: pick up a phone and call your damn parents from time to time to prevent them leaving a video on your wall about their nice little Saturday
The Slut: Oh and did they have time to go to Bed, Bath and Beyond?
The Gay: I mean, we love YouTube sensations, but do you really want to be the next "David After Dentist" or "Leave Britney Alone"? Cause that’s where you are heading
The Blonde: I mean, you'll probably get to be on some talk shows and might even get a reality TV deal out of it...but that's no way to live. Don't you want our RESPECT people?
The Slut: On second thought to play devil's advocate, I have to say I have some appreciation for the clip. It gave us jovial laughter and following that inspiration for this very blog.
The Blonde: Good point and after all...if no one did anything ridiculous on Facebook, you wouldn't be sitting here giggling at our wit and sparkling personalities that just jump out of the screen and make you think we would be friends.
The Slut: The Gay is frozen right now
The Blonde: Houston, we have a problem...we have lost contact with The Gay.
Oh p.s. we probably wouldn't be friends...but it's cool if you want to think that.
The Slut: We do like to be admired
The Blonde: PRAISE US
The Slut: Hey you can be a follower on the blog - it gives you a picture and everything.
The Gay: Shit. I'm back. Too much porn on my computer. Kidding.
The Blonde: No you're not.
The Gay: Sort of...
The Blonde: Spending too much time on manhunt.com. What? I don't know what that is? Who said...what?
The Gay: Uhhh and continuing on. I just have to say. Thanks for your videos. They will make me laugh for weeks to come.
The Slut: P.S. I love that your parents refer to themselves as Mommy & Daddy. Oh and did they out that you still love RENT?
The Blonde: See? We shouldn't know that much about your parents. Or you.
The Gay: God knows I truly needed something to stop my addiction to “Kittens inspired by Kittens”
The Blonde: And yes, please, someone, anyone send The Gay a new YouTube sensation.
The Slut: Kittens! It’s time. Put it to bed.
The Blonde: If I hear "We are wine bottles!" one more time I'm gonna slit his gay little throat.
The Gay: I don't care what anyone says. “Kittens inspired by Kittens” is brilliant. Get that girl a TV show.
The Blonde: It's not a hate crime if it's justified.
The Gay: It’s fine Blonde. The Jew is gonna cut you open anyway. I heard her whole plan.
The Blonde: Right? Seriously you guys, she's been threatening my life. I think we have a potential single-white-femaling on our hands.
The Gay: It doesn't sound funny, but its HILARIOUS
The Blonde: ...call the police...
It's past our bedtime.
We're out like a fat kid in dodgeball,
The Gay, The Slut & The Blonde
One is a young woman’s parents video-messaging their beloved daughter who is away. They candidly talk about their weekend and their love of musical theater and make kissy faces on this poor, unsuspecting young woman’s wall. They are so embarrassingly corny and sweet and earnest that it could pass for a SNL sketch.
The other video that is stumbled upon is of a far darker, upsetting nature. It is of a young man who out of love for his lover decides to video himself poorly lip-syncing to a very popular 90s tune known as “Truly Madly Deeply” by Savage Garden. And then it was proudly posted on lover’s wall for all his friends and stalkers to see.
The three friends, armed with their trusty computers decided to address this issue as a group so as to make sure they were heard loud and clear.
The Blonde: Ok let's do this shit. Valued readers, honored friends – welcome to the first-ever multi-blog.
The Slut: So tonight is a day that will live in infamy. Ooh sorry not a presidential speech. But still, good moment - we came across some good shit tonight folks.
The Blonde: We need to talk about a subject so serious, so...heart-breakingly embarrassing…
The Slut: Only your mom could console you. And maybe she'll do so by posting a web cam clip on your wall...oh wait…she did!
The Blonde: Um...The Gay - think you could get off Facebook for like 5 goddamnn minutes to join us? I CAN SEE YOU.
The Gay: Oh. Sorry. I'm busy looking for inspiration/vommiting in my mouth
The Blonde: I think you spelled vomiting wrong. ANYWAY
The Gay: But anyway. Moving on.
The Blonde: Oh listen, we should mention that The Jew can't be with us tonight. HIT ZE SHOWAZ. Too soon?
The Slut: Never.
The Gay: ...awkward silence…
The Slut: Is what happens when everyone sees that video you posted to your lover on Facebook.
The Blonde: And you're badly lip syncing to a 90s pop song. And you didn't even take the time to look up the right lyrics.
The Gay: Seriously?!?
The Slut: Trust me I know; when I was in 5th grade, I loved that song!
The Blonde: Bitch you don't love your BF that much if you can't even be bothered to look up the lyrics.
The Gay: Like I've said before.
The Slut: Shit son!
The Gay: Love is a lie. At least make me think you put some effort into the video.
The Blonde: Let me just put this out there as a DPTonF PSA (so many acronyms)
DON'T POST VIDEO MESSAGES OF A PERSONAL NATURE ON SOMEONE'S PUBLIC FACEBOOK WALL
The Slut: It's too much. TMI.
The Blonde: RIGHT?
The Gay: Cause I will find them. Laugh at them. And show my friends.
The Slut: I'm pretty sure he (the unfortunate targeted audience of your video) may not even want to see that.
I won’t be your dream and it's my fantasy to never have someone send me shit like that.
I won’t be faithful.
Not to your pathetic ass.
The Blonde: I mean, ok...so your Mom can't really use Facebook and that's sort of endearing
The Slut: Or a web cam.
The Blonde: But you should not allow your parents' technological illiteracy to be the butt of someone else's ridicule.
Hahaha BUTT
The Gay: I mean, this is all part of bigger more serious entry we will get into later
The Blonde: We will?
The Gay: All I have to say is this. The day my Mom gets on Facebook is the day my life ends. Cause its the day I delete my account.
The Slut: Ooh,the lyrics of this song are even too much.
The Blonde: I actually don't want the sky to fall down on me. That sounds painful.
The Gay: And really…(going back to the lyrics of this song). Don't you have some newer bad top 40 to make your song?
The Slut: Did this even make the cut on MTV's ridiculous 90's crap video recap. Or whatever those are called?
The Gay: No, it didn't.
The Blonde: Right? Savage Garden was so 8th grade dance. LEAVE ROOM FOR JESUS
The Gay: Don't ask me how I know that.
Guys, I think I want our song to be All My Life by K-Ci and Jo Jo.
The Blonde: Isn't one of them a crack head?
The Gay: Expect videos on all your walls with me singing it.
The Blonde: And also, K-Ci and Jo Jo. I don't want to be close to you like your brother, mother, sister, cousin. That's call incest.
The Gay: Did anyone see that video of one of them passing out on stage?
The Blonde: And it is ILLEGAL. Not to mention EW
The Slut: But we digress…
The Blonde: I'm all about digression.
The Gay: I guess what we here at Pangea are trying to say is this: We are REALLY glad you are in a great relationship. And that your parents miss you.
The Slut: (We have sweet shirts that say PANGEA) Are you jeal?
The Gay: But seriously people
The Slut: And how can you not comment on a video like that?? But the comments were blatantly obligatory and distracted from truth and were all "your parents are so cute”
The Blonde: And we're really glad you're in love (but not really, because we're not very sentimental and we're pretty cynical so all that lovey-dovey pooky bullshit just makes us want to vomit all over our keyboards) but that's what email is for...private stuff you don't intend to share with the masses.
And if your Midwestern parents don't know how to properly use Facebook (god knows mine don't (thank baby Jesus))...don't allow them to be there...get Skype bitch
The Slut: AMEN
The Blonde: GAYMEN
The Slut: It's free, private, easy to use - like a phone...there's another idea: pick up a phone and call your damn parents from time to time to prevent them leaving a video on your wall about their nice little Saturday
The Slut: Oh and did they have time to go to Bed, Bath and Beyond?
The Gay: I mean, we love YouTube sensations, but do you really want to be the next "David After Dentist" or "Leave Britney Alone"? Cause that’s where you are heading
The Blonde: I mean, you'll probably get to be on some talk shows and might even get a reality TV deal out of it...but that's no way to live. Don't you want our RESPECT people?
The Slut: On second thought to play devil's advocate, I have to say I have some appreciation for the clip. It gave us jovial laughter and following that inspiration for this very blog.
The Blonde: Good point and after all...if no one did anything ridiculous on Facebook, you wouldn't be sitting here giggling at our wit and sparkling personalities that just jump out of the screen and make you think we would be friends.
The Slut: The Gay is frozen right now
The Blonde: Houston, we have a problem...we have lost contact with The Gay.
Oh p.s. we probably wouldn't be friends...but it's cool if you want to think that.
The Slut: We do like to be admired
The Blonde: PRAISE US
The Slut: Hey you can be a follower on the blog - it gives you a picture and everything.
The Gay: Shit. I'm back. Too much porn on my computer. Kidding.
The Blonde: No you're not.
The Gay: Sort of...
The Blonde: Spending too much time on manhunt.com. What? I don't know what that is? Who said...what?
The Gay: Uhhh and continuing on. I just have to say. Thanks for your videos. They will make me laugh for weeks to come.
The Slut: P.S. I love that your parents refer to themselves as Mommy & Daddy. Oh and did they out that you still love RENT?
The Blonde: See? We shouldn't know that much about your parents. Or you.
The Gay: God knows I truly needed something to stop my addiction to “Kittens inspired by Kittens”
The Blonde: And yes, please, someone, anyone send The Gay a new YouTube sensation.
The Slut: Kittens! It’s time. Put it to bed.
The Blonde: If I hear "We are wine bottles!" one more time I'm gonna slit his gay little throat.
The Gay: I don't care what anyone says. “Kittens inspired by Kittens” is brilliant. Get that girl a TV show.
The Blonde: It's not a hate crime if it's justified.
The Gay: It’s fine Blonde. The Jew is gonna cut you open anyway. I heard her whole plan.
The Blonde: Right? Seriously you guys, she's been threatening my life. I think we have a potential single-white-femaling on our hands.
The Gay: It doesn't sound funny, but its HILARIOUS
The Blonde: ...call the police...
It's past our bedtime.
We're out like a fat kid in dodgeball,
The Gay, The Slut & The Blonde
Sunday, March 29, 2009
This bomb's made for lovin' and you can shoot it far.
I have a secret to confess. It's not going to be pretty. You'll probably hate me, and thats ok. Just think about it like this. You're Britney Spears post shaved head, emotional breakdown, and without kids. And I'm Papa Jamie Spears, white trash, tank top and all, here to save the day. I know whats best for you and I'll get you back to where you deserve to be and you will secretly hate me and go through the motions even though you aren't really ready for your comeback and look slightly dead inside in every video and interview but know that you have no choice but to continue cause you've got bills to pay and we will get through this together...pinky promise
but here goes...
I, The Gay, have recently contemplated getting a Twitter. As a matter of fact about a month ago I got a Twitter, then quickly deleted it cause it felt so wrong.
THERE! I SAID IT! I'm so sorry. I really hope we can get through this. But hear me out please. I had my reasons! It's so sleek and shiny and new, and we all know I LOVE a good status update (within reason), and even the celebs (Ashton and Demi, Perez, Stephen Colbert, ZAC EFRON omglolroflsohotlovehim!) have a twitter account. I must admit, at first glance its like I'm cheating on my beloved Facebook, but TRUST, it ain't that kind of party. I mean, there IS room for both. Right? But maybe not. Remember when everyone had a Myspace AND Facebook? I guess I'm just afraid of being behind the curve (THATS WHAT SHE SAID!)and furthermore I'm terrified of my beloved Facebook going the way of myspacexangafriendstersocialnetworkinghell.
I guess I don't really need Twitter. Facebook is all the man that I need at the moment. You can't kill me for being a little curious though.
LEAVE BRITNEY SPEARS ALONE! I MEAN IT!
-The Gay
just found out Anderson has a twitter. All bets are off. Dammit.
but here goes...
I, The Gay, have recently contemplated getting a Twitter. As a matter of fact about a month ago I got a Twitter, then quickly deleted it cause it felt so wrong.
THERE! I SAID IT! I'm so sorry. I really hope we can get through this. But hear me out please. I had my reasons! It's so sleek and shiny and new, and we all know I LOVE a good status update (within reason), and even the celebs (Ashton and Demi, Perez, Stephen Colbert, ZAC EFRON omglolroflsohotlovehim!) have a twitter account. I must admit, at first glance its like I'm cheating on my beloved Facebook, but TRUST, it ain't that kind of party. I mean, there IS room for both. Right? But maybe not. Remember when everyone had a Myspace AND Facebook? I guess I'm just afraid of being behind the curve (THATS WHAT SHE SAID!)and furthermore I'm terrified of my beloved Facebook going the way of myspacexangafriendstersocialnetworkinghell.
I guess I don't really need Twitter. Facebook is all the man that I need at the moment. You can't kill me for being a little curious though.
LEAVE BRITNEY SPEARS ALONE! I MEAN IT!
-The Gay
just found out Anderson has a twitter. All bets are off. Dammit.
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