your love, your love, your love is my drug.

I'm currently having a moment. I knew I was addicted, but I didn't realize to what extent until now. I NEED facebook. It's my go to site when I'm bored at work, at home. It's the application I open when i'm in an awkward situation on the train or out and about. I'm Lindsay Lohan and Facebook is my cocaine and I need more than jail or rehab or a change in hair color (Please go back to the red Lindz it's the hair dye that's making you insane) to save my soul.

Facebook is currently down and I'm now realizing how much of my life is dedicated to it. I mean hell, I write on a blog about it! I think its time to step back and take a breather. I could never fully get rid of facebook, but I wonder if this is the beginning of the end? First the parents started joining, then the Facebook movie, now site outages, and lets not forget the presence of twitter. I know this question has been put forth before, but is facebook going to go the way of myspace, friendster, and all those social networking sites before it? And not to get to philosophical, but if facebook goes does that mean we are all growing up? AND more than that, what will be the thing to replace facebook, and will I be too old and uncool to join it when it comes? I guess my point is this, sometimes it takes little disruptions in our daily routines to change it up a bit, so take this as a moment to do what people have been saying since the Internets were called the world wide web and go for a run, pick up a book, or hell whatever happened to rotting your brain by watching good ole fashion TV?!

So I'm making a pledge to let facebook only be a small part of my life for a bit. I'm sure this will only serve to make me more productive in my daily duties and make me friendlier to people I see on the street and that can't hurt...right? When I feel uncomfortable I'll text someone like I used to do and when I'm bored I'll read a newspaper. Knowing me this will only last a little bit, but its worth a try. Now lets get out there and do something with our lives!

oh and twitter is for crazies.

-The Gay

REGULATORS, MOUNT UP...

So here on DPTONF there’s the redundant topic of photos. Time and time again we’ve rehashed not to put pics of your dead baby, your hoe on a toilet, your taddies (itty bitty or not) but what we’ve not delved into yet is the issue of photo captions and comments, ergo…

Let us all remember whilst facebook is a reliable, applicable facet for social networking it is also a main source of entertainment for us folk that have moved on from our hillbilly parts of the south or the Midwest and aren’t a part of the cow tipping that we count on your pictures to entertain us with. We’re gonna need you to milk it for all it’s worth, give us a witty caption or at least give it your best shot. Even if at times, the caption is a funny inside joke that all your daily stalkers won’t get, a caption is a nice plus. Another way to caption is inside the photo tags. This form of wit is accepted and encouraged when that random frat fright photo bombs your cute girl pic, please do make a mockery of his ass in the tag since ain’t nobody knows his name or much less is friends with them on facebook! Everyone loves a good joke at one’s own expense, have an especially fatty double chin, call it out in your tag (err better yet, maybe that one doesn’t make the cut for the facebook album) but the point is don’t be afraid to be a li’l creative.

Moving on, photo comments – do’s & don’ts:
Do leave a witty comment or inside joke

Don’t leave a dumb ass remark or question,
i.e. “where is this?” on an album entitled “Hawaii”, you just look dumb and we all wanna unfriend you.

Please keep in mind that the person who posted the album as well as the people in the picture are going to receive all of those nagging li’l annoying notification emails that Stacey Joe says,
“OMG, LMAO, ROFL! I have that dress in BLUE J ♥♪!!!”
…that’s great are you or your blue dress in the picture?!? NO I DIDN’T THINK SO!

So that’s a bit harsh, just be cautious of your comments, if you’re funny enough or popular enough you can comment as much as like and it probs won’t be annoying but the double standard is if you’re not funny or liked enough you’re kinda limited to about 5 comments & 3 likes give or take, per album or you’ll be deemed annoying as fuck and that’s a fast track to being on the next purge list. And don’t play devils advocate and advise people to turn off their notifications, we shouldn’t have to sacrifice our alerts cuz you’re a douche nozzle*!

*please be advised if you don’t know what a douche nozzle is, chances are you are one!

My Nyquil’s hittin’ me hard now, so imma bounce but take heed,

~The Slut

Elegance is learned, my friend.

(note: All my apologies go out to adopted black babies, Marc Zuckerberg, Miley Cyrus, everyone from Poughkeepsie, Sandra Bullock, and lovers of correct punctuation and grammar everywhere. I was angry and I needed to make a point.)

Spring has sprung, and we all know what that means...Yes the new season of Real Housewives of New Jersey is in full swing, but also, love is in the air for some of us. And as happy as I am for everyone (really. I'm over my bitter single phase) There are a many a facebook faux pas being made and its time to import some of my infinite DPTonF knowledge to the kids, cause y'all need it.

We've discussed relationships and relationship status on the blog before, but it bears reiterating. Just know that if you decide to put that shit out there, be ready to deal with all that comes with it when it comes crashing down in flames (Yes, I'm talking to you and your new black baby, Sandra Bullock) which leads me to this point...FACEBOOK IS FOREVER! Shit, the INTERNET IS FOREVER. You can disable that account, but guess what? Whatever you wrote is there forever. There is this thing that takes snapshots of the Internet (I don't recall the name of it, but its very creepy and LOST like and it freaks me out) and as the Jew pointed out back in the day, even when you "delete" your account, it's still there.

Let's face it, Marc Zuckerberg is basically Hitler and the facebook staff are basically Nazi's and the book of faces is Germany and we are the Germans and we are too far deep in it now to go back to the old country. Don't believe me cause that horribly offensive analogy I just made? Go read what facebook has to say about privacy settings or read up on some of Zuckerberg's practices.

But we aren't here to bash facebook, and lets be honest, are any of us going to delete our accounts now? Let's just have a little discretion. I know he broke your heart, started dating your cousin from Poughkeepsie, stole fifteen dollars from your bank account, has a tiny penis, and has all three Miley Cyrus albums on his iPod, but do WE really need to know all that? If we are truly your friends we already know he's douchebag, and if we aren't your friend? Well now he's a douchebag and so are you for telling everyone AND now we're laughing at the fact that you just went batshit crazy and had a therapy session on facebook, and as much as I welcome your crazy for my own enjoyment, its not classy and as the tag line says "IT AIN'T CUTE".

and for GOD's SAKE. I'M NOT VOTING FOR YOU TO BE ON GLEE.

-The Gay

Secret Secret, I Got a Secret

An Open Letter to Facebook Friends:

Recently I've been trying to catch myself up on the ever-popular, ever-confusing, ever-addicting TV phenomenon known as LOST. Last time I checked, I left off somewhere in Season 2 and never looked back. Now, with this year marking the sixth and final season I felt like I was so far behind it was just useless to catch up. But then I realized, I AM NOT A QUITTER DAMNIT. I WILL MAKE LOST MY BITCH!

And I am doing just that. In a little under two weeks, I've managed to get through Seasons 1 and 2 and am proud to report that I am 3 episodes in to Season 3 as of last night. It also helps that I have no life...but I'm fine with it. Really. I am. REALLY!

Sidenote: The Gay, who now resides in an official territory of Pangea somewhere in the Chicago suburbs, (Kind of like the Puerto Rico to our U.S.), unbeknownst to me until he put it on FB, he also made the life choice to pop his Lost cherry (I'm really sorry for using that metaphor) and start at the very beginning. A very good place to start.

Anyway, I know that Lost has been on TV for six years now...I know that it is one of the shows that totally fucks with you and then leaves a note and never calls you again. But I just can't help myself. I can't stay away. And thanks to my Netflix subscription...I've got all 5 previous season at my disposal and a bottle of wine on my bedside table. DON'T JUDGE.

BUT. Facebook friends, let me just say this. Do NOT ruin a perfectly good catch-up marathon by putting current season spoilers in your status. NOT COOL. I wish I could be as prioritized (is that a word?) as you when it comes to TV schedules, but sometimes DragRace and The Real Housewives and Law and Order AND ice dancing are on at the same time and I JUST CAN'T CHOOSE. And NO, I don't have DVR. Lay off. So, therefore I'm way late on all things Lost.

Just cause you're all on top of your shit does not give you the right to ruin it for everyone else! Some people want to watch and find out for themselves. Shocking, I know. If I see one more person with "OMG, I can't believe so-and-so died at the end of Lost! And then came back from the dead and blew up the island! And then died again! OMG!" as their status, I'm gonna climb through my computer and choke you.

It's like telling someone the big twist of The Sixth Sense before they see the movie. Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free or some shit, right? Well, I guess that applies more to slutty girls...but you know what I mean. All I'm saying is, what the hell is the point if I already know what happens? I don't want the Cliff Notes version of the show, ok? It's about the journey, I want to soak up every last second of deserted island madness without you ruining it for me! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

I'm sorry baby, I didn't mean to yell at you. Just keep a damn secret for another couple weeks until I'm caught up. Fair is fair, respect equal opportunity TV watching.

If you really need to divulge something, just tell me the entire plotline of Avatar instead and save me $12.50 and movie theater butter damage to my arteries. Deal?

Sincerely Yours,

The Blonde

P.S. Shout outs to all of you Lost watchers you know how to keep your yap shut. I love you. Well, not really, but I like you. But not like you like you. Like, I just like you as a friend. ....I gotta go.

Supersonic, idiotic, disconnecting, not respecting, who would ever really wanna go and top that?

All right kids, it's time for some Facebook smackdown/love. I know it's been awhile again, but hell, it's cold outside and I've been too busy watching Jersey Shore/waiting for the second season of RuPaul's Drag Race. I, and my fellow Pangeans, sat idly by while girls posted their bra colors on the internets in statuses to be seen all over the world and don't even get me started on the friends exposed I'm answering a question about you on your page bullshit. But I'm back from spray tanned color, guidette loving haze to speak out about this new Facebook faux pas.

To be honest, at first I sort of (emphasis on the SORT OF) thought it was cute, then per usual all you people went and took it just a step (or five hundred) too far.

The task went like this, For a week you post a picture of yourself as baby. Simple of enough, cute, and only a week. I never got around to changing my profile pic, I was still all about my newest one featuring my mustache of the week, but I wasn't very bothered by the desire to pimp pictures of one's self as I child. I get it, I was a cute ass kid too. To be perfectly honest, people have been uploading baby pictures of themselves on the book of faces since the beginning. Then the next week (cartoon week) happened, and the next week (celebrity doppelganger), and now once again we have another DPTonF.

I mean come on people! Isn't this a little Sweet Valley High homecoming week? Don't get me wrong, I LOVED Sweet Valley High (I am The Gay, you know) but seriously. You all remember homecoming week festivities where every day YOU, and I put the emphasis on YOU cause I never did that shit, dressed up in silly costumes every day for a week for "spirit points" or a pizza party or something, I'm not quite sure what point of it all was, but you get my drift. It was very silly and very high school and should be left where it originates, HIGH SCHOOL.

AND furthermore, there's a bigger problem here. I ALREADY don't know who you are cause your name is "Sam Equality stickygummyworms The Situation P. Jones", and now without your photo I have absolutely NO clue whose wall I'm posting the latest "Ginger's do have souls" video on.

let us not forget what face book is essentially for:

1. Social networking (whatever that means)

2. Stalking

3. Witty comments on stasuses, stati, etc. ( I STILL don't know what the plural form of a status is)

4. (for some of you) posting endless details about your day

5. Stalking

6. Stalking

7. Stalking

So go on and play your little weekly game, but I have a new policy. If you have both a name and a Facebook picture that aren't either your baby Jesus given name or face. I will defriend you, and you will be devoid of all my facebookie goodness. And we don't want that do we?

And you people must really be on something cause I'm sorry, no one has ever mistaken you for David Beckham, Heidi Klum, or Beyonce. Give it up folks.

Top THAT.

-The Gay.

Don't cry, don't raise your eye, it's only teenage wasteland

Was I this annoying when I was 13?

Facebook, nay, technology in the recent years has given the world a venue to display a never ending list of opinions and interests. I definitely have my favorites (robot a day, garfield minus garfield, cake wrecks are among them. Check 'em out, support our fellow bloggers) and then..... the internet unfortunately represents another part of the world using this open community to spread hate/stupidity/ignorance/ANNOYING THE CRAP OUT OF ME.

I've been avoiding this particular conflict for a while because it sends fits of rage through me ala Bjork (because Bjork is ridiculous and borderline retarded... does everyone from Iceland act like that? Stop your whining and take off that silly ass hat) but why oh why can't we express our opinions in a more open minded fashion? My life encompasses a lot of different people with a lot of different views and rarely do I get upset with people for having opposing ones of mine.. because we're all entitled to our own opinion, yes? and because I am SUCH a good friend.

But if you are going to use facebook of all things (a networking site used to find friends and have casual communication... not communication regarding anything professional, don't talk to the blonde about that or she'll shank you) to parade your narrow-minded, hateful views, at least make sure they are well informed. Oh, and that you're old enough to slightly experience the world. Never have I witnessed such an outpour of crazy small minded views from a group of people who've never learned to drive, vote in an election, and have barely gone through puberty.

Don't you realize that what you put on the internet about basically disliking anything of a liberal mind set is being seen by a lot of liberal people out there watching? A lot of people who are personally effected by your narrow minded and hateful views? Don't parade yourself as a Christian, because I don't have God on speed dial, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't appreciate you comparing Barack Obama to an African village idiot (he's from Hawaii, dumbass. An American citizen, shocking) or comparing Planned Parenthood to Auschwitz. Turns out Planned Parenthood does a lot of good for providing prenatal care to uninsured mothers and educating poorer communities about safe sex and birth control, and in turn saving lives of unborn children and existing human lives. But why would you ever pay attention to the positives of any dirty liberal organization? Oh yes, because you're a child.

And lastly kids, let's not forget that these hilarious/earth shattering points that you're making on facebook will always be there. The internet is forever, and in 5 years I bet you'll have a whole arsenal of offensive points of view, so in another 12 years, don't try to run for office. Well, maybe you could in Ohio, it is a swing state.

Liberally yours,

The Jew

walking on, walking on broken glaaaaas

I've just hit a new low. Wait. We ALL have just hit a new low. By we, I mean the entire Facebook community.

I was just asked out on a date...

on facebook...

by a stranger.

Lets just breakdown how wrong every part of this is:

1. You asked me out on FACEBOOK.
2. We've never formally met
3. YOU ASKED ME OUT ON FACEBOOK!
4. WE'VE NEVER MET! I DON'T KNOW YOU!

Now he isn't a complete stranger, he saw me in a show. I've never met him, but we did have those two precious hours where I sang my face off completely unaware of his presence and he watched, but this in no way condones his behavior.

It all began innocently enough, I guess. I started my morning the way I always do, a yawn, a stretch, and straight to my iPhizzle to check out the last facebook status updates (some people do coffee and the news to find out about whats going on in the World, but I prefer beginning the day finding about how every gay LOVES the new Lady Gaga song or what drunk mess friend of mine threw up on themselves in the subway the night before, but I digress) I got a nice message from a young man congratulating me on my work in the show the previous night, and although I thought this was a bit sketchy (he did look in his program, find my name, and then search through all the people with my name on Facebook, which is no easy task) I gave him the benefit of the doubt and sent him a nice little message back. As a matter of fact lets just post the entire conversation here for all to read and dissect. I'll be "All knowing gay, who is brilliant in the show", and we will call our gentleman caller "creeper".

Creeper: Hey I saw your show last night, and all I can is WOW!!! You are really great. I was really impressed and enjoyed it alot.

(let me just say, I'm no good at the grammar or the spelling, but if you are going to message a complete stranger spell/grammar check wouldn't hurt....just saying)

All knowing gay who is brilliant in the show: Thanks so much! I really appreciate it!

Creeper: Your welcome, so how long are you here for?

AKGWIBITS: Just till the show closes.

Creeper: Thats cool, maybe we can hangout go have a drink, dinner, something, if you want?

AKGWIBITS: I'm super busy with the show, but thanks.

Creeper: ok sounds good man, by the way you are very attractive

As I typed the conversation just now I realized I may have some blame in the situation. I mean, for one I could NOT be incredibly talented and good looking, but that's pretty much impossible. But I could have prevented this by not responding after the first message and more importantly, using this little thing we call privacy settings. Its unfortunate its come to this, but I'm learning discretion is the key.

I hate privacy settings. Its the reason why I can't stalk ex boyfriends new boyfriends and why I have to be facebook friends with people I don't even really like, but after today's little snafu I'm a firm believer in them. Its been said here before, but I'll say it again, cause it needs to be said, there are just certain things you don't want your Mama, your Aunt Suzie from Poughkeepsie, Creepers worldwide, and the baby Jesus to see, and that's OK.

And let me say before I publish this mess of random thoughts I've compiled and will call a blog entry, I don't want to seem like an ungrateful, stuck up asshole. I truly am flattered by the compliments and the date request, but this was just all wrong. " Creeper" obviously needs a DPTonF lesson.

word to you mother.

The Gay

We will cure this dirty old disease…the remedy is the experience

The fans of DPTOF have spoken (by the way, if you’re not already, become fans on Facebook!), suggest some topics, invite fans, post anecdotes.

The topic of ‘Reply All’ has been brought up. This is something I felt worthy of addressing. Is it necessary for all 50 people invited to Joe Schmoe’s housewarming party that Janie ‘has no real friends’ is
really gonna try and make it, is pumped for the party but has to work that day so she may catch ya another time ;)
…NO NOT NECESSARY! Message separately dumbass or I’ll run you over with a semi; that’s right I have readily available access to semi’s 24/7 – I’m a truck driver; can you not tell by the way I talk?! It’s not enough that one idiot does this, but then 6-10 other insignificant fools follow suit and reply all themselves with some lame ass comment. You people that wrongfully use the reply all function are a bad example for the others. You’re just like the li’l anorexic girls in the village setting bad hipster trends like denim tights and belly shirts with zippers down the front & gladiator shoes – get outta here, straighten out your life and maybe eat a sandwich! And the host of the event, you can put a stop to this mess. You take the initiative that your fool friend didn’t take and send a private message to the one person to encourage them to only send a response to you.

Instances when reply all may be necessary or not in danger of a semi mutilating death:
1. When there are 4 or less people involved in the message thread
2. When you have something of relevance or significance to share (that applies to all included within the thread.)
*NEVER should it be a simple 2 syllable agreeable term, such as ‘ok’ – don’t waste my time; give me more if you’re sending me a message.

In all other instances, Reply all one more time & watch what happens, I fuckin’ dare ya.

Reply all: you suck
But not you guys that don’t do retarded DPTOF bullshit, you rock – keep reading
The Slut

A tramp stamp baby is a timeless trend.

It’s been a while, dear readers. I’ve been busy with my movie collection, and keeping the Slut happy. Need more clues as to who this is? If so… then you really just don’t know me at all. Sad face. It’s Blockbuster, yet again. I’m taking a break from my slasher-film marathon because I feel there’s something that needs to be said. It can’t wait.

Ok, bitches… I’m going to launch a preemptive strike here. That’s right… I’m going to Pearl Harbor you all right now (Too soon? I can never tell…). As we all know, there’s a certain event happening this Saturday night. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. Halloween… All Hallows Eve… The Festival of Samhain… or as it’s become known in the last decade or two, The Night In Which Drunken Hookers Put On The Skankiest Thing They Can Find In A Halloween Store And Act Trashy And Blame It On The Costume. Don’t get me wrong… I have the utmost respect for Police Officers, Nurses, Flight Attendants, French Maids, and Pirates… but these “costumes” are really just a pathetic excuse to unleash your inner ho… am I correct?

Now… if you DO feel the need to buy yourself a “costume” where the biggest piece of material on it is the “Washing Instructions” tag… and pictures are taken… please, please, please… for the love of Ray J… Don’t Put That On Facebook! It’s really not cute. Guess what… If I want to see silly scantily-clad women acting whorish, I’ll just turn on Skin-omax after 12:15am to watch “The Lord of the G-Strings: The Femaleship of the String” or “Cleavagefield” or “The DaVinci Coed” (I am NOT making these titles up).

My point is, Skank-Hos… don’t try to distract me from the sole-reason I frequent the lovely Book of Faces with your “scandalous ‘OMG! I can’t believe how trashy I look! Look at how trashy I look!’” photos. I am here for the same reason 92.6% of us are here. To anonymously stalk people I haven’t seen or spoken to in 8 years. Your tramp-stamped ass-crack hanging precariously out of your candy striper “uniform” will not deter or distract me. It’ll just make me sad for you. It’ll also make your father cry tears of blood, because he’s your friend and he logs on to see how you’re doing and instead sees you dressed as a dominatrix with your teeth on some random guy’s nipple. It’s the costume’s fault… right?

Just don’t do it. You’re not cool… you’re just a hooker.

I’m out like a blind kid in Tee-Ball!
~Blockbuster

Don't be tardy for the party

Ok, we need to have a talk. Facebook events, you’re clingy. I know, I know I used the word “Clingy” but ya know what it’s necessary. Get off my back, I need some space. I can’t breathe. I’m getting claustrophobic with all these damn reminders and updates. Guess what you sent me an event invite and I either RSVP yeah or neigh. I didn’t sign up for an update on a 24 hour basis; this ain’t Hurricane Katrina, you’re not CNN or even NY1 for that matter. This has to stop. You’re a facebook event to some shit there’s a 90% chance I’m not half as interested in attending as you are in getting people to fill your seats or whatever the occasion. The theatre events are the worst. I don’t care you just added a matinee or this is your closing performance. You’re cluttering my inbox, I’m not interested anymore. I delete your messages before reading them. Yeah, that’s what it’s come to. Sad really. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve deleted so many messages that I don’t recall who or what your organization is & ya know what the only reason I care is so I can remember not to go to or sign up to go to any of your following events because I don’t want to repeat this kind of behavior. Bitch you’re suffocating me. As Mariah Carey sings in her new single, “Why you so obsessed with me?”. Yeah I’m a Mariah Carey girl, what of it?

Thought so. Now stop messaging me. It’s over, we’re through. And stop sending me flowers. Now get some Kleenex and wipe away your tears, you look a mess.

See ya never,
The Slut

It's been a week without me, and she feel weak without me

I know it’s been a long summer and you’ve all been jonesing for some blog brilliance, so never fear! The Blonde is back (although my roots beg to differ) to fully judge folks on FB and fill your sass quota for the week.

Without further ado, let’s jump right in, shall we?

Now, I have a real person job. That’s right, I work in an office with a phone, a computer, a fax machine and letterhead (and sometimes a toddler – listen, that’s beside the point)... I work regular hours and have health insurance. CRAZY RIGHT? I know. I work for an opera company so sometimes I am at the mercy of rather “artistic” personalities. BUT! The other thing that is TOTALLY NUTS is that I have a WORK EMAIL ADDRESS. FOR WORK RELATED THINGS.

So when you, Joe Opera Singer, send me a Facebook message asking about things pertaining to work…I IGNORE YOU. Now, maybe this comes off as cruel or unhelpful of me…but I did try ok? For a while I would respond to FB email as if it were actual email but I eventually discovered that people are a lot more shameless on FB than they would be otherwise. I just want to reiterate that being friends on Facebook is not an accurate indication of our actual level of friendship.

Basically, WE’RE NOT COOL LIKE THAT. I’m sorry you had to find out this way but I think you already knew. It’s not like we hang out or even talk on a regular basis. We are friends on FB because we probably worked together one summer, maybe even had a drink or six together…but that’s pretty much the extent of it. Aside from a status comment here or there or a generic “Happy Birthday!”, I just don’t see us working out. It’s not you…ok, actually, yes it is.

Facebook just isn’t the appropriate venue to ask if there are jobs available, or for my superior’s personal email or information. What did you do in the days before FB, huh? Did you go online and look up a phone number or email address for our office? Yeah, imagine that. Still possible. If you want to send me a message about us hanging out, cool. I might decline – but that is actually a very suitable way to use your FB account.

You’re basically assuming that I have nothing better to do when I’m Facebook than to answer your message about how to get an audition. Listen fool, I’m actually really busy online shopping and organizing my Netflix queue. I need you to step your game up and be a little pro-active ok? Either figure out a more professional, appropriate way of getting in touch with someone or ask a friend. A REAL FRIEND.

Stop crying, it's for your own good. I'm like Dr. Phil up in this bitch.

Let’s hug it out,

The Blonde

You look so dumb right now, standing outside my house

Welcome back Kotter

…err only our older readers know that reference. Right so we went all MIA this summer and not in the flying like paper getting high like planes kinda way. We all know what I did this summer, I breached nearly every photo guideline we’ve set here on the DPTOF. It was a good summer. What can I say girls just wanna have fun!

So I was rereading some old DPTOF posts aka brilliant documentation on facebook etiquette awaiting to be published and sold in the kitchy book section of Urban Outfitters along with the zombie guides and FML catalogues or we’d settle for it being the rumored bible for social sites that’s spoken about under the radar but subtly intervening with people’s lives on a daily basis. Get on it people, make it happen. Stop by, pass out our trendy business cards – ask us over for a dramatic reading for all your friends (we do them well).

Right so I was rereading for inspiration, I remind you to please send us thoughts/suggestions for the brilliant blog to pangeaNYC@gmail.com

We’ve already covered a lot of ground; but lets refer to our statistics

Facebook has more than 200 million active users

More than 100 million users log on to Facebook at least once each day

More than two-thirds of Facebook users are outside of college

The fastest growing demographic is those 35 years old and older

Which is an astonishing amount of people that post stupid shit fueling our need to correct or humorously criticize each of the said stupid things. I KNOW, it’s a lot of work, you’re welcome.

This also means we may, at times repeat the same theme of a post such as picture regulations but it will come in the form of site specific incidents to reiterate what the millions of users aren’t grasping. That is until you get our blog published ;)

For now let me just briefly touch on the things I’ve noticed while away:
(Forgive the length but I wasn’t posting for 3 months so I feel this is mild)

What the F*** is Farmville? Do you wanna be on facebook or play some agriculture version of Sims – get outta here with your Farmville picture posting Old McDonald, E-I-E-I-O!

Months back there was a trend of changing your middle name to “Equality” to show support of gay rights. I never touched this before maybe cuz it seemed taboo and I’d seem prejudice, maybe cuz I didn’t see a problem with it -thinking it was the least one could do to show some support. I’m throwing in the towel, the hourglass is up, time to change your name back activist. Who do you think you are Lincoln, MLK? Not gonna happen that way, move on. Try a different tactic, maybe one that makes a difference instead of making a non active stand on your computer. Last time I checked that’s not the way to change laws.

Along with Farmville, I’ve noticed a lot of Zodiac friends photos being posted. Anybody that knows the me behind my ironic alias knows I enjoy astrology as much as the next person, but I can’t get on board with this. What purpose does it serve? I know I’m a Gemini, my bf knows I’m a Gemini, my need for dramatic flare, stirring conflict, overanalyzation and fluttering personality are pretty big clues to the rest of the world I’m a gemini; I don’t need you to tag me in a picture for me to figure it out. And if I wanna know who else on my friend list is also a Gemini, I can look at their birthdate.

You guys hear about Patrick, RIP, or the VMA’s! No, you didn’t – huh, how’s that rock you live under?!? (This one's more of a positive note) I find it impressing how powerful our generation is. The popularity of facebook, which we make thrive, the many uses it demonstrates; it’s become comparable with CNN or any other news media. Facebook tells us what loved celebrity just died to the latest Kanye faux pas. Thanks for keeping us to date with current events facebook.

Stay tuned for an eventual posting on the the new feature to tag friends in a wall post. Jury’s still out on this one, I’ll let you know when the verdict is in. Till then explore, I dare ya.

Taking the bra off now, I’m in for the night ;)

Shout out: If you live in Hamilton Heights, get some pepper spray, a kubotan, lock up your fire escape and don’t get in an elevator with a creepy suspecting douche that doesn’t push a button – in short don’t get raped. Let’s catch this asshat!

Over and Out Goose,
The Slut!

Oh the bitch is back. Stone cold sober as a matter of fact.

I've officially been outed.

No, not in that way...that awkwardly happened my freshman year of college. I mean in a different way.

I've been outed as a facebook stalker...well sort of...

I was elated to see that I'd been tagged in some new pictures and to my horror was surprised to see that I'd been tagged in a "fan check" photo. If you aren't familiar yet, you'd best get ready, cause facebook stalking will now be forever changed. Fan checks, per the application website, is "The application that ranks your friends based on how often they interact with your Facebook wall. Interactions counted include wall posts, comments, likes, gifts and other public items posted to your wall. In accordance with the Facebook Privacy Policy, we do NOT count page views or private messages."

You don't YET, but you WILL Facebook, and then what options will I have to find out the latest gossip other than going to people and having face to face interaction? Call me a conspiracy theorist or whatever, but I feel like this is the beginning of the end.

I love the book of faces for many, many reason, but I value it for stalking most of all. I live for the "like" button and to comment on people's stati. But now I feel I must censor myself, for fear of being tagged in too many of those damn fan check photo's. I mean everyone can probably guess I spend waaaaay too much time on facebook, but until now there was no documented proof. I could delude myself into thinking I commented as much as everyone else, but now here it is staring me in the face. A reality I didn't want or need. I have to find a new hobby.

School's back in session bitches.

-Pangea's fallen member AKA THE GAY

P.S. How priceless was Taylor Swift's face when Kanye stole the mic last night?

P.P.S How much did you miss the blog?

“Kiss today goodbye. The sweetness and the sorrow…”

Shalom, y'all. That greeting is probably better coming from the mouth of The Jew, but it seems oddly fitting coming from me as well. That’s right, facehookers… it’s Blockbuster again.

As swimsuit season draws ever closer (despite the fact that this “summer” has been wetter than an insecure child’s bedsheets during a Freddy Kreuger dream), we must all partake in that age old tradition that lies in the back of your mind even as you visually ravage this entry. You know what I’m writing about. It’s been nagging on your mind since you read the term, “swimsuit season” about 9.2 seconds ago. I’m talking about Trimming the Fat. Hardening the Muffin Top. Firming your Buttocks. Hacking away at your FUPA like Jason Voorhees does to a snarky camp counselor. Nobody really likes to talk about it, but everyone does it. You step out of the shower, catch your reflection in the mirror, and your smile drops faster than W. Bush’s approval rating (Hah! Still funny!). You make some attempts. Go to the gym a few times, and pray for an 80’s style montage to kick-in to fast-forward your body toning. Sorry to disappoint you, Ralph Macchio… it won’t. It takes time. In the meantime, put down the Ranch Dip and maybe do some cardio. Just kidding, The Gay… even The Slut thinks you’re smoking hot!

So… you might be asking yourself, “Self? How is my dear Blockbuster going to turn this into a DPToFB blog? What does this have to do with my beloved book of faces? Is he saying my face is fat? Are my jowls becoming puffy? Should I do some chin-crunches? What ARE chin-crunches? Wait! Can I DO those? Seriously… if I get any more chins, I’m going to have to move into a crappy house and raise a troubled Johnny Depp and a retarded Leo DiCaprio! I want a knight in shimmering armor! What does that even mean??”

I’m going to let you wait for an answer. It won’t come. So I’ll press on. You DO have a fat face. It’s time to trim the fat from your face(book). It’s time to pull up a beanbag chair, sip a bottle of Hater-ade… and cut the fat from your friends list. Have you ever looked over your friends list and wondered WHY you’re friends with some of these people? I’m not speaking to the losers who add people they don’t even know… they have deeper issues that can only be solved through an intervention. I’m talking about people who friend someone simply because they have some obscure connection. It’s time to take a long, hard look over your friends list and ask yourself WHY you’re friends with some of these people. If you can’t give yourself a satisfactory answer… it might be time to move on. If you facebook-love someone… let them go. If they come back and try to re-friend you… they’re pathetic and you suddenly feel better about your life! See? Faster and better than anti-depressants!

Seriously. Do some Facebookardio…

Fatass.
~Blockbuster

Tumble outta bed and stumble to the kitchen pour myself a cup of ambition.

Wait a second? Did I just read that correctly? No. It can't be.

Did you just invite me to become a fan...of YOU? Seriously? Seriously?!!!

This just happened to me not even five minutes ago. I haven't even had time to breathe. I need to dissect this in the form of a blog.

One, up until this point I wasn't even aware you could invite someone to be a fan of something. Two, do you really need a facebook page AND a fan page? Three, YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING IMPORTANT! You aren't an actor or singer....you don't make me laugh, you aren't famous or anything. Basically you are a normal human being and you want me to become a fan of your normalness. You have just become (and I'm sure I'll receive a lot of flack on this one) the Susan Boyle of my Facebook world (not that there's anything wrong with Susan Boyle its just that she is just mediocre at best and I don't get why everyone was all on her shit...glad to get that off my chest)

I think this is just another case of facebook gone too far. I was all about becoming fans of things and then (as the blonde discussed previously) it got out of hand, but THIS...this is just too much. I'm sure your mama thinks you are the best thing to happen since the Real Housewives of New York Reunion (seriously. How good was that shit?) but I'm not about it. Shit, I think there are some Real-life ACTUALLY talented ACTUALLY famous people that shouldn't have their own fan pages. So pretty much what I'm saying is this is NOT okay.

AND one more thing I DON'T want to follow you on Twitter.

The grass isn't always greener...even if you use fertilizer...

-The Gay

Bitches ain't shit but hos and tricks

O. M. G. you guys, I know I’ve been absent. I know you’ve missed me. But I know you’ll understand when I say I’ve been reallllly busy NOT freaking out about getting swine flu (IT’S JUST THE FLU, WHAT IS ALL THE HULABALOO ABOUT? AM I MISSING SOMETHING?), re-living my college glory days (which is in NO WAY pathetic, so shut your yap) and anxiously awaiting the debut of The Real Housewives of New Jersey – which is gonna be a shitshow…and we all know I love those.

Anyhooter, excuses aside…will someone please explain this “Become a Fan of (insert random arbitrary thing/person/activity here)”? I don’t get it. I really don’t. How is this any different from joining a group? And why do I care? And if you are really that big a fan of Ashton Kutcher – shouldn’t it be in your profile?

In this day and age I understand our incessant need to personalize everything to express our individuality…cell phone ringtones, ironic message tees, radio stations that only play the music you like, etc. etc. I am guilty of all of these things also…but at some point don’t you realize that EVERYONE ELSE just became a fan of “Not Being on Fire” too – so you’re really not that special? Sorry to burst your bubble Whiney Whitney, but if you’re trying to be unique…I think you missed the boat when you JOINED FACEBOOK. I’m not saying we can’t all like the same things; it’s called POPULAR culture for a reason. But please don’t fool yourself into thinking that your friends are gonna think you’re cute for becoming a fan of “The Weekend”.

Please stop stating the obvious with this bullshit – EVERYONE likes the weekend, not being on fire and sleeping…EVERYONE. But not EVERYONE feels the need to proclaim it to the Facebook community like “Napping” is the latest craze to hit junior high.

And really, when I see the random crap you choose to become a fan of – it makes me further question our probably already vague Facebook friendship… Like if you decide to become a fan of “XD” (as in the stupid emoticon smiley face with letters bullshit. And yes, that is a real fan page – I DO MY FACEBOOK RESEARCH, PEOPLE.) I might decide to become a fan of unfriend-ing you. SO DON’T PUSH ME.

Also, there are literally pages called “I <3 my Mom”. So, that would make you a fan of loving your mom? (Making “Your mom” jokes is obvious here, don’t even bother.) Now, I love my mama and all and I expect you do too…obviously…because you’re a fan of it. Isn’t that a little redundant? I mean, you already LOVE her…but now you’re a FAN of that love? Toot your own horn much, slick?

And lastly, and maybe most importantly is when people become fans of celebrities or actors AFTER they pass away. For instance, as we all know, Natasha Richardson and Bea Arthur recently passed away – and all sarcasm aside, it is very sad and they were very well-loved and respected ladies. But REALLY? After Bea died, every gay I know jumped on the rainbow bandwagon and became a fan of her. Girls, I don’t doubt you were a fan of Maude and Bea and her rendition of “Don’t Rain on My Parade”…but that was never really in question, was it? I find it a LITTLE suspicious when 50 of my friends become fans of someone who died last week. I feel pretty confident in saying that most of you probably haven’t thought twice about Natasha Richardson in the past year. But if you insist on proving your devotion why don’t you honor them the respectable way by watching a Golden Girls/Parent Trap marathon in your pajamas and eating your way through a couple pints of ice cream and a pizza? All I can say is, BEEN THERE DONE THAT.

I know my DPTonF counterparts may disagree with me on this one a bit. And for the record, I DO NOT CONDONE THEIR BEHAVIOR. Really, Gay? You became a fan of “Aretha Franklin’s Inauguration Hat”? REALLY?

If I become a fan of every random blip on the pop culture horizon that I thought was funny or even slightly amusing or every band that I’ve ever liked or every restaurant I’ve eaten at, my fan page section would go on for years. So, I’m just gonna skip it and let you know that if a majority of the Facebook populations is a fan of Gummy Bears or Dave Matthews Band – you can safely assume that I have probably enjoyed them from time to time as well.

And if you really feel that strongly about “Evanescence” or “Piercings” or “Ice Cream” and you just need to let the world know, list it as an interest or activity and CALL IT A DAY.

AND don’t invite me to become a fan of your band or your Christian service organization because I. AM. NOT. INTERESTED. I’m a fan of ONE thing and it’s my BF’s music group…so, I basically got roped into that one…

How about this – I am a fan of NOT BEING A FAN OF STUFF.

SUCK IT.

Winky smiley face,

The Blonde

Eh, Eh, Nothing Else I Can Say

Poking.

Don’t poke me. Say hi, tell me what you’re up to. What recent one night stand gone awry did you recently struggle to bounce back from? Who did you hear just came out, came available or drove their car into the wall of a dormitory building while intoxicated, who just fell down the escalator of the Times Square Toys R Us, what rowdiness went down at the Wright State Maydays, who watched Chihuahua and enjoyed it (no names), what roommate of yours is dating a Mr Softee driver to get free ice cream? Gimme the goods. What juicy gossip can I get out of a poke? Unless we’re talking about the other kind of poke, tee hee! Too far, well that’s me – always takin’ it over the line.

Where is the poke button anymore anyway? And superpoke, really? Did that function on FB need advancement?? Newsflash: if I didn’t want you to poke me, I also don’t want you to: throw a sheep at me, chest bump, hug, adopt a pet with, blow a kiss at me, high five, knit a scarf for, blow bubbles with, (you get the point). What’s with the negative ones?? I definitely don’t want you to do any of these to me: dropkick, b!*$% slap, roundhouse kick, breathe fire on, etc. Some of them are just gross and wierd: Rock the grannie pantie or fling a thong at. Maybe it means I’m going to hell but coming across the one “build a child’s future with” just made me laugh. These little actions you’re choosing to do in cyber space is not cute, not real, not funny, dumb and makes you look sorta pathetic – get some friends or frenemies off the facebook and do those things to them in the real world and perhaps then you’ll get a response; until then most of us will just ignore your superpoke. I say we’ll ignore your superpoke, because I’ll usually give a customary courtesy generic poke back. I will not however begin or participate in a poke war with you, so don’t do it.

Also, you don’t need to tell someone you’ve poked them; that’s the thing, you poked them – they’ll get a notification.

Ps nobody pokes anymore, that’s so 2004*!

*Year facebook was created

the all hating PEPSI, slut

Boom Boom Pow

Righty o then, I think we’re in need of timely update. Please take your seat, and mind the tea – it’s still a bit hot.

There’s words to be had regarding the status on facebook, amongst a few other things I may delve into while I’ve got your attention. How’s the tea? I need more sugar, but then you could’ve guessed that.

The status function: in a previous dptonf blog we’ve gone over what is appropriate for a status update and likewise the not so good ones, such as “so and so is eating an apple”. Perhaps we should remind you that this is a short tid bit; put your novel away Tolstoy.

It’s no secret that we here in Pangea are friends with Tim Gunn, and as he would say “People, you need to use an editing eye,carry on". A wall post should not take up the size of my iPhone screen. I know what you’re thinking, ‘But what if I don’t have an iPhone? How will I gauge the appropriate length of my wall post?” to that I say: “no iPhone, INFERIOR!” snide remarks aside, if it’s over a few lines, that shit belongs in an email or send that person a message if you still insist on using facebook as your outlet. C’mon I could read War & Peace faster than some of the epic wall posts I’ve seen lately..yeah I’m a fast reader – get off me. If you’re having trouble trimming your wall posts down to the dptonf approval standards, double check your subject issue. Anything outside witty repartee*, inside jokes, well wishes, or other relatively short messages is probably too much personal info that can’t usually be contained in truncated form. And I expect that you all know by now our response when posting too much personal info; I’ll give you a hint (the name of our blog)!

*rep•ar•tee
Pronunciation: \ˌre-pər-ˈtē, -ˌpär-, -ˈtā\
Function: noun
Etymology: French repartie, from repartir to retort, from Middle French, from re- + partir to divide — more at part
Date: circa 1645
1 a: a quick and witty reply b: a succession or interchange of clever retorts : amusing and usually light sparring with words

Also commenting on peoples’ stati; that’s just it, leave a comment. What’s with this “likes this” BS. Elaborate;what do you like about it? We all know I’ve never been short for words; I expect to hear my friends thoughts not see an electronic thumbs up and know you like it. “like it” is a response you give your grams when she gives you that special calico print sweater for your 16th birthday; keep it real. Tell me how it is and chunk the thumbs up.

I’ve seen on occasion this battle betwixt comments on stati -why can’t we all just get a long? It’s FACEBOOK, don’t get all up in arms. It’s hard to read tone electronically anyhow, perhaps you have misread someone, cool your jets before you post that heated response. And don’t be so passive aggressive. Be the better man and just don’t respond to that moron that’s chosen to get rowdy on the insignificant wall post – again this isn’t an argument about me sleeping with your baby mamma. It’s not a deep rooted drama, drink your juice Shelby.

well the chamomile must be kicking in
cheerio chap,
the slut

Truly Madly Deeply Do

It is a dreary Thursday evening. The Slut, The Blonde and The Gay have assumed their usual positions on Pangea’s Golden Girls-esque La-Z-Boy furniture. They are armed with the TV on, laptops on laps and iDevices in hand. They are trolling Facebook looking for something shocking/funny/disgusting/distressing to discuss and publicly ridicule. It isn’t long until The Gay comes across two videos posted on two separate friends’ walls.

One is a young woman’s parents video-messaging their beloved daughter who is away. They candidly talk about their weekend and their love of musical theater and make kissy faces on this poor, unsuspecting young woman’s wall. They are so embarrassingly corny and sweet and earnest that it could pass for a SNL sketch.

The other video that is stumbled upon is of a far darker, upsetting nature. It is of a young man who out of love for his lover decides to video himself poorly lip-syncing to a very popular 90s tune known as “Truly Madly Deeply” by Savage Garden. And then it was proudly posted on lover’s wall for all his friends and stalkers to see.

The three friends, armed with their trusty computers decided to address this issue as a group so as to make sure they were heard loud and clear.


The Blonde: Ok let's do this shit. Valued readers, honored friends – welcome to the first-ever multi-blog.
The Slut: So tonight is a day that will live in infamy. Ooh sorry not a presidential speech. But still, good moment - we came across some good shit tonight folks.
The Blonde: We need to talk about a subject so serious, so...heart-breakingly embarrassing…
The Slut: Only your mom could console you. And maybe she'll do so by posting a web cam clip on your wall...oh wait…she did!
The Blonde: Um...The Gay - think you could get off Facebook for like 5 goddamnn minutes to join us? I CAN SEE YOU.
The Gay: Oh. Sorry. I'm busy looking for inspiration/vommiting in my mouth
The Blonde: I think you spelled vomiting wrong. ANYWAY
The Gay: But anyway. Moving on.
The Blonde: Oh listen, we should mention that The Jew can't be with us tonight. HIT ZE SHOWAZ. Too soon?
The Slut: Never.
The Gay: ...awkward silence…
The Slut: Is what happens when everyone sees that video you posted to your lover on Facebook.
The Blonde: And you're badly lip syncing to a 90s pop song. And you didn't even take the time to look up the right lyrics.
The Gay: Seriously?!?
The Slut: Trust me I know; when I was in 5th grade, I loved that song!
The Blonde: Bitch you don't love your BF that much if you can't even be bothered to look up the lyrics.
The Gay: Like I've said before.
The Slut: Shit son!
The Gay: Love is a lie. At least make me think you put some effort into the video.
The Blonde: Let me just put this out there as a DPTonF PSA (so many acronyms)
DON'T POST VIDEO MESSAGES OF A PERSONAL NATURE ON SOMEONE'S PUBLIC FACEBOOK WALL
The Slut: It's too much. TMI.
The Blonde: RIGHT?
The Gay: Cause I will find them. Laugh at them. And show my friends.
The Slut: I'm pretty sure he (the unfortunate targeted audience of your video) may not even want to see that.
I won’t be your dream and it's my fantasy to never have someone send me shit like that.
I won’t be faithful.
Not to your pathetic ass.
The Blonde: I mean, ok...so your Mom can't really use Facebook and that's sort of endearing
The Slut: Or a web cam.
The Blonde: But you should not allow your parents' technological illiteracy to be the butt of someone else's ridicule.
Hahaha BUTT
The Gay: I mean, this is all part of bigger more serious entry we will get into later
The Blonde: We will?
The Gay: All I have to say is this. The day my Mom gets on Facebook is the day my life ends. Cause its the day I delete my account.
The Slut: Ooh,the lyrics of this song are even too much.
The Blonde: I actually don't want the sky to fall down on me. That sounds painful.
The Gay: And really…(going back to the lyrics of this song). Don't you have some newer bad top 40 to make your song?
The Slut: Did this even make the cut on MTV's ridiculous 90's crap video recap. Or whatever those are called?
The Gay: No, it didn't.
The Blonde: Right? Savage Garden was so 8th grade dance. LEAVE ROOM FOR JESUS
The Gay: Don't ask me how I know that.
Guys, I think I want our song to be All My Life by K-Ci and Jo Jo.
The Blonde: Isn't one of them a crack head?
The Gay: Expect videos on all your walls with me singing it.
The Blonde: And also, K-Ci and Jo Jo. I don't want to be close to you like your brother, mother, sister, cousin. That's call incest.
The Gay: Did anyone see that video of one of them passing out on stage?
The Blonde: And it is ILLEGAL. Not to mention EW
The Slut: But we digress…
The Blonde: I'm all about digression.
The Gay: I guess what we here at Pangea are trying to say is this: We are REALLY glad you are in a great relationship. And that your parents miss you.
The Slut: (We have sweet shirts that say PANGEA) Are you jeal?
The Gay: But seriously people
The Slut: And how can you not comment on a video like that?? But the comments were blatantly obligatory and distracted from truth and were all "your parents are so cute”
The Blonde: And we're really glad you're in love (but not really, because we're not very sentimental and we're pretty cynical so all that lovey-dovey pooky bullshit just makes us want to vomit all over our keyboards) but that's what email is for...private stuff you don't intend to share with the masses.
And if your Midwestern parents don't know how to properly use Facebook (god knows mine don't (thank baby Jesus))...don't allow them to be there...get Skype bitch
The Slut: AMEN
The Blonde: GAYMEN
The Slut: It's free, private, easy to use - like a phone...there's another idea: pick up a phone and call your damn parents from time to time to prevent them leaving a video on your wall about their nice little Saturday
The Slut: Oh and did they have time to go to Bed, Bath and Beyond?
The Gay: I mean, we love YouTube sensations, but do you really want to be the next "David After Dentist" or "Leave Britney Alone"? Cause that’s where you are heading
The Blonde: I mean, you'll probably get to be on some talk shows and might even get a reality TV deal out of it...but that's no way to live. Don't you want our RESPECT people?
The Slut: On second thought to play devil's advocate, I have to say I have some appreciation for the clip. It gave us jovial laughter and following that inspiration for this very blog.
The Blonde: Good point and after all...if no one did anything ridiculous on Facebook, you wouldn't be sitting here giggling at our wit and sparkling personalities that just jump out of the screen and make you think we would be friends.
The Slut: The Gay is frozen right now
The Blonde: Houston, we have a problem...we have lost contact with The Gay.
Oh p.s. we probably wouldn't be friends...but it's cool if you want to think that.
The Slut: We do like to be admired
The Blonde: PRAISE US
The Slut: Hey you can be a follower on the blog - it gives you a picture and everything.
The Gay: Shit. I'm back. Too much porn on my computer. Kidding.
The Blonde: No you're not.
The Gay: Sort of...
The Blonde: Spending too much time on manhunt.com. What? I don't know what that is? Who said...what?
The Gay: Uhhh and continuing on. I just have to say. Thanks for your videos. They will make me laugh for weeks to come.
The Slut: P.S. I love that your parents refer to themselves as Mommy & Daddy. Oh and did they out that you still love RENT?
The Blonde: See? We shouldn't know that much about your parents. Or you.
The Gay: God knows I truly needed something to stop my addiction to “Kittens inspired by Kittens”
The Blonde: And yes, please, someone, anyone send The Gay a new YouTube sensation.
The Slut: Kittens! It’s time. Put it to bed.
The Blonde: If I hear "We are wine bottles!" one more time I'm gonna slit his gay little throat.
The Gay: I don't care what anyone says. “Kittens inspired by Kittens” is brilliant. Get that girl a TV show.
The Blonde: It's not a hate crime if it's justified.
The Gay: It’s fine Blonde. The Jew is gonna cut you open anyway. I heard her whole plan.
The Blonde: Right? Seriously you guys, she's been threatening my life. I think we have a potential single-white-femaling on our hands.
The Gay: It doesn't sound funny, but its HILARIOUS
The Blonde: ...call the police...


It's past our bedtime.
We're out like a fat kid in dodgeball,

The Gay, The Slut & The Blonde

This bomb's made for lovin' and you can shoot it far.

I have a secret to confess. It's not going to be pretty. You'll probably hate me, and thats ok. Just think about it like this. You're Britney Spears post shaved head, emotional breakdown, and without kids. And I'm Papa Jamie Spears, white trash, tank top and all, here to save the day. I know whats best for you and I'll get you back to where you deserve to be and you will secretly hate me and go through the motions even though you aren't really ready for your comeback and look slightly dead inside in every video and interview but know that you have no choice but to continue cause you've got bills to pay and we will get through this together...pinky promise

but here goes...



I, The Gay, have recently contemplated getting a Twitter. As a matter of fact about a month ago I got a Twitter, then quickly deleted it cause it felt so wrong.


THERE! I SAID IT! I'm so sorry. I really hope we can get through this. But hear me out please. I had my reasons! It's so sleek and shiny and new, and we all know I LOVE a good status update (within reason), and even the celebs (Ashton and Demi, Perez, Stephen Colbert, ZAC EFRON omglolroflsohotlovehim!) have a twitter account. I must admit, at first glance its like I'm cheating on my beloved Facebook, but TRUST, it ain't that kind of party. I mean, there IS room for both. Right? But maybe not. Remember when everyone had a Myspace AND Facebook? I guess I'm just afraid of being behind the curve (THATS WHAT SHE SAID!)and furthermore I'm terrified of my beloved Facebook going the way of myspacexangafriendstersocialnetworkinghell.

I guess I don't really need Twitter. Facebook is all the man that I need at the moment. You can't kill me for being a little curious though.

LEAVE BRITNEY SPEARS ALONE! I MEAN IT!

-The Gay

just found out Anderson has a twitter. All bets are off. Dammit.