“Kiss today goodbye. The sweetness and the sorrow…”

Shalom, y'all. That greeting is probably better coming from the mouth of The Jew, but it seems oddly fitting coming from me as well. That’s right, facehookers… it’s Blockbuster again.

As swimsuit season draws ever closer (despite the fact that this “summer” has been wetter than an insecure child’s bedsheets during a Freddy Kreuger dream), we must all partake in that age old tradition that lies in the back of your mind even as you visually ravage this entry. You know what I’m writing about. It’s been nagging on your mind since you read the term, “swimsuit season” about 9.2 seconds ago. I’m talking about Trimming the Fat. Hardening the Muffin Top. Firming your Buttocks. Hacking away at your FUPA like Jason Voorhees does to a snarky camp counselor. Nobody really likes to talk about it, but everyone does it. You step out of the shower, catch your reflection in the mirror, and your smile drops faster than W. Bush’s approval rating (Hah! Still funny!). You make some attempts. Go to the gym a few times, and pray for an 80’s style montage to kick-in to fast-forward your body toning. Sorry to disappoint you, Ralph Macchio… it won’t. It takes time. In the meantime, put down the Ranch Dip and maybe do some cardio. Just kidding, The Gay… even The Slut thinks you’re smoking hot!

So… you might be asking yourself, “Self? How is my dear Blockbuster going to turn this into a DPToFB blog? What does this have to do with my beloved book of faces? Is he saying my face is fat? Are my jowls becoming puffy? Should I do some chin-crunches? What ARE chin-crunches? Wait! Can I DO those? Seriously… if I get any more chins, I’m going to have to move into a crappy house and raise a troubled Johnny Depp and a retarded Leo DiCaprio! I want a knight in shimmering armor! What does that even mean??”

I’m going to let you wait for an answer. It won’t come. So I’ll press on. You DO have a fat face. It’s time to trim the fat from your face(book). It’s time to pull up a beanbag chair, sip a bottle of Hater-ade… and cut the fat from your friends list. Have you ever looked over your friends list and wondered WHY you’re friends with some of these people? I’m not speaking to the losers who add people they don’t even know… they have deeper issues that can only be solved through an intervention. I’m talking about people who friend someone simply because they have some obscure connection. It’s time to take a long, hard look over your friends list and ask yourself WHY you’re friends with some of these people. If you can’t give yourself a satisfactory answer… it might be time to move on. If you facebook-love someone… let them go. If they come back and try to re-friend you… they’re pathetic and you suddenly feel better about your life! See? Faster and better than anti-depressants!

Seriously. Do some Facebookardio…

Fatass.
~Blockbuster