Bitches ain't shit but hos and tricks

O. M. G. you guys, I know I’ve been absent. I know you’ve missed me. But I know you’ll understand when I say I’ve been reallllly busy NOT freaking out about getting swine flu (IT’S JUST THE FLU, WHAT IS ALL THE HULABALOO ABOUT? AM I MISSING SOMETHING?), re-living my college glory days (which is in NO WAY pathetic, so shut your yap) and anxiously awaiting the debut of The Real Housewives of New Jersey – which is gonna be a shitshow…and we all know I love those.

Anyhooter, excuses aside…will someone please explain this “Become a Fan of (insert random arbitrary thing/person/activity here)”? I don’t get it. I really don’t. How is this any different from joining a group? And why do I care? And if you are really that big a fan of Ashton Kutcher – shouldn’t it be in your profile?

In this day and age I understand our incessant need to personalize everything to express our individuality…cell phone ringtones, ironic message tees, radio stations that only play the music you like, etc. etc. I am guilty of all of these things also…but at some point don’t you realize that EVERYONE ELSE just became a fan of “Not Being on Fire” too – so you’re really not that special? Sorry to burst your bubble Whiney Whitney, but if you’re trying to be unique…I think you missed the boat when you JOINED FACEBOOK. I’m not saying we can’t all like the same things; it’s called POPULAR culture for a reason. But please don’t fool yourself into thinking that your friends are gonna think you’re cute for becoming a fan of “The Weekend”.

Please stop stating the obvious with this bullshit – EVERYONE likes the weekend, not being on fire and sleeping…EVERYONE. But not EVERYONE feels the need to proclaim it to the Facebook community like “Napping” is the latest craze to hit junior high.

And really, when I see the random crap you choose to become a fan of – it makes me further question our probably already vague Facebook friendship… Like if you decide to become a fan of “XD” (as in the stupid emoticon smiley face with letters bullshit. And yes, that is a real fan page – I DO MY FACEBOOK RESEARCH, PEOPLE.) I might decide to become a fan of unfriend-ing you. SO DON’T PUSH ME.

Also, there are literally pages called “I <3 my Mom”. So, that would make you a fan of loving your mom? (Making “Your mom” jokes is obvious here, don’t even bother.) Now, I love my mama and all and I expect you do too…obviously…because you’re a fan of it. Isn’t that a little redundant? I mean, you already LOVE her…but now you’re a FAN of that love? Toot your own horn much, slick?

And lastly, and maybe most importantly is when people become fans of celebrities or actors AFTER they pass away. For instance, as we all know, Natasha Richardson and Bea Arthur recently passed away – and all sarcasm aside, it is very sad and they were very well-loved and respected ladies. But REALLY? After Bea died, every gay I know jumped on the rainbow bandwagon and became a fan of her. Girls, I don’t doubt you were a fan of Maude and Bea and her rendition of “Don’t Rain on My Parade”…but that was never really in question, was it? I find it a LITTLE suspicious when 50 of my friends become fans of someone who died last week. I feel pretty confident in saying that most of you probably haven’t thought twice about Natasha Richardson in the past year. But if you insist on proving your devotion why don’t you honor them the respectable way by watching a Golden Girls/Parent Trap marathon in your pajamas and eating your way through a couple pints of ice cream and a pizza? All I can say is, BEEN THERE DONE THAT.

I know my DPTonF counterparts may disagree with me on this one a bit. And for the record, I DO NOT CONDONE THEIR BEHAVIOR. Really, Gay? You became a fan of “Aretha Franklin’s Inauguration Hat”? REALLY?

If I become a fan of every random blip on the pop culture horizon that I thought was funny or even slightly amusing or every band that I’ve ever liked or every restaurant I’ve eaten at, my fan page section would go on for years. So, I’m just gonna skip it and let you know that if a majority of the Facebook populations is a fan of Gummy Bears or Dave Matthews Band – you can safely assume that I have probably enjoyed them from time to time as well.

And if you really feel that strongly about “Evanescence” or “Piercings” or “Ice Cream” and you just need to let the world know, list it as an interest or activity and CALL IT A DAY.

AND don’t invite me to become a fan of your band or your Christian service organization because I. AM. NOT. INTERESTED. I’m a fan of ONE thing and it’s my BF’s music group…so, I basically got roped into that one…

How about this – I am a fan of NOT BEING A FAN OF STUFF.

SUCK IT.

Winky smiley face,

The Blonde