You + Me = Us

Wow guys. I’m sorry I’ve been so neglectful lately. But you know what, I’m here now. So never fear – let’s chat about relationship drama on FB, shall we?

First off, let me just say – I love me some juicy gossip. Love it. Secondly, I REALLY love any juicy relationship gossip that makes me feel better about my own sham of a romantic life. However, all that being said…whenever I see some tragic relationship stories plastered all over the internets…I cringe a little for the parties involved.

…

And then I hastily click my way through the sordid details like there is no tomorrow.

STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT. YOU KNOW YOU DO THE SAME DAMN THING.

Let’s think of it this way…I want to like Jennifer Aniston – I really do. I want to hate Angelina Jolie, NO ONE likes a homewrecker. But Jen totally seems like she would be THAT GIRL on Facebook. Doesn’t she? I mean, isn’t it time to LET IT GO girlfriend? Yeah, we know, that bitch with the United Colors of Benetton of a family stole your hot hot husband and sort of has a better career than you and everyone seems to love her and think she is the second coming of Jesus and they conveniently forget about that time when she kissed her brother ON THE MOUTH and wore a vial of Billy Bob Thornton’s blood around her neck. (I HAVEN’T FORGOTTEN ANGELINA; I STILL THINK YOU’RE PROBABLY SECRETLY BATSHIT CRAZY IN PRIVATE.) But every time I see a magazine cover with her picture and things like, “Why Jen just can’t move on”, “Jen admits, ‘I pathetically drunk dial Brad every Saturday ’”, “Jen and Angie: Catfight to the death” - I want to call her up and have a heart to heart.

The things she does just scream, LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME SOMEONE FUCKING PAY ATTENTION TO ME AND NOT HER AND HER PERFECT LIFE I’M PRETTY TOO! Like that naked cover she did for GQ – hot right? Yeah, I hope I look half as good as her at that age…but a little desperate too, don’t you think? Sure, I’d be sad if a husband as hot as Brad Pitt left me. But you know what Jennifer? At least you get to say you had sex with Brad Pitt on a regular basis for a few years. Not many people get that opportunity – so chin up girl. And your dating history since then hasn’t been too shabby…I mean John Mayer seems a little douchey but he does writes pretty songs. And Vince Vaughn would probably be a terrible boyfriend but at least he’s hilarious.

I guess my point is friends, when I see that you’ve changed your relationship status from “Single” to “In a Relationship” and vice versa 17 times in one day…my heart bleeds a little for you. Because inevitably, Facebook stalkers are gonna see that shit and ask way too many prying, personal questions. Or they’re gonna spread it like the herpes through a Frat house. I mean, think about it. Do you really feel comfortable admitting to those 400+ people who you don’t really know all that well that your love life is a shitty bitty mess?

I’m torn. On one hand, you feed my need for gossip. And on the other it’s the very definition of an overshare. So what to do? God, Facebook ethics is HARD.

If you’re gonna put it out there that you’re “In a Relationship” with someone, you better be damn sure it’s gonna last for a while. Or at the very least it better be going somewhere other than you sitting in a bar with your BFFs crying into your appletini in two weeks. Cause if THAT’S in your near future, don’t even bother with the status change unless you’re prepared to deal with not only the emotional onslaught of having to see happy couples skipping down the street holding hands , but with people who you barely know commenting on your status with, “OMG what happened?!” or “Oh, girl. Let’s get an appletini and cry about our boy drama.”

NO. NO. NO. NO! Having to change that relationship status box to “Single” totally sucks. I feel you on that one. It’s a total slap in the face that you have to stop being so delusional in thinking that you and Prince Charming are ever going to work out. But, ladies and gents…it’s time to get a grip. YOU NEED TO SUCK IT UP AND DEAL WITH YOUR BREAKUP IN THE COMFORT OF YOUR OWN HOME.

DON’T PUT YOUR PITY PARTY ON FACEBOOK.

You and Jennifer Aniston have a lot more in common than you think. You’ve both got a lot going for you if you would JUST STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR DIVORCE.


I don’t even like appletinis,

The Blonde