Don't cry, don't raise your eye, it's only teenage wasteland

Was I this annoying when I was 13?

Facebook, nay, technology in the recent years has given the world a venue to display a never ending list of opinions and interests. I definitely have my favorites (robot a day, garfield minus garfield, cake wrecks are among them. Check 'em out, support our fellow bloggers) and then..... the internet unfortunately represents another part of the world using this open community to spread hate/stupidity/ignorance/ANNOYING THE CRAP OUT OF ME.

I've been avoiding this particular conflict for a while because it sends fits of rage through me ala Bjork (because Bjork is ridiculous and borderline retarded... does everyone from Iceland act like that? Stop your whining and take off that silly ass hat) but why oh why can't we express our opinions in a more open minded fashion? My life encompasses a lot of different people with a lot of different views and rarely do I get upset with people for having opposing ones of mine.. because we're all entitled to our own opinion, yes? and because I am SUCH a good friend.

But if you are going to use facebook of all things (a networking site used to find friends and have casual communication... not communication regarding anything professional, don't talk to the blonde about that or she'll shank you) to parade your narrow-minded, hateful views, at least make sure they are well informed. Oh, and that you're old enough to slightly experience the world. Never have I witnessed such an outpour of crazy small minded views from a group of people who've never learned to drive, vote in an election, and have barely gone through puberty.

Don't you realize that what you put on the internet about basically disliking anything of a liberal mind set is being seen by a lot of liberal people out there watching? A lot of people who are personally effected by your narrow minded and hateful views? Don't parade yourself as a Christian, because I don't have God on speed dial, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't appreciate you comparing Barack Obama to an African village idiot (he's from Hawaii, dumbass. An American citizen, shocking) or comparing Planned Parenthood to Auschwitz. Turns out Planned Parenthood does a lot of good for providing prenatal care to uninsured mothers and educating poorer communities about safe sex and birth control, and in turn saving lives of unborn children and existing human lives. But why would you ever pay attention to the positives of any dirty liberal organization? Oh yes, because you're a child.

And lastly kids, let's not forget that these hilarious/earth shattering points that you're making on facebook will always be there. The internet is forever, and in 5 years I bet you'll have a whole arsenal of offensive points of view, so in another 12 years, don't try to run for office. Well, maybe you could in Ohio, it is a swing state.

Liberally yours,

The Jew

walking on, walking on broken glaaaaas

I've just hit a new low. Wait. We ALL have just hit a new low. By we, I mean the entire Facebook community.

I was just asked out on a date...

on facebook...

by a stranger.

Lets just breakdown how wrong every part of this is:

1. You asked me out on FACEBOOK.
2. We've never formally met
3. YOU ASKED ME OUT ON FACEBOOK!
4. WE'VE NEVER MET! I DON'T KNOW YOU!

Now he isn't a complete stranger, he saw me in a show. I've never met him, but we did have those two precious hours where I sang my face off completely unaware of his presence and he watched, but this in no way condones his behavior.

It all began innocently enough, I guess. I started my morning the way I always do, a yawn, a stretch, and straight to my iPhizzle to check out the last facebook status updates (some people do coffee and the news to find out about whats going on in the World, but I prefer beginning the day finding about how every gay LOVES the new Lady Gaga song or what drunk mess friend of mine threw up on themselves in the subway the night before, but I digress) I got a nice message from a young man congratulating me on my work in the show the previous night, and although I thought this was a bit sketchy (he did look in his program, find my name, and then search through all the people with my name on Facebook, which is no easy task) I gave him the benefit of the doubt and sent him a nice little message back. As a matter of fact lets just post the entire conversation here for all to read and dissect. I'll be "All knowing gay, who is brilliant in the show", and we will call our gentleman caller "creeper".

Creeper: Hey I saw your show last night, and all I can is WOW!!! You are really great. I was really impressed and enjoyed it alot.

(let me just say, I'm no good at the grammar or the spelling, but if you are going to message a complete stranger spell/grammar check wouldn't hurt....just saying)

All knowing gay who is brilliant in the show: Thanks so much! I really appreciate it!

Creeper: Your welcome, so how long are you here for?

AKGWIBITS: Just till the show closes.

Creeper: Thats cool, maybe we can hangout go have a drink, dinner, something, if you want?

AKGWIBITS: I'm super busy with the show, but thanks.

Creeper: ok sounds good man, by the way you are very attractive

As I typed the conversation just now I realized I may have some blame in the situation. I mean, for one I could NOT be incredibly talented and good looking, but that's pretty much impossible. But I could have prevented this by not responding after the first message and more importantly, using this little thing we call privacy settings. Its unfortunate its come to this, but I'm learning discretion is the key.

I hate privacy settings. Its the reason why I can't stalk ex boyfriends new boyfriends and why I have to be facebook friends with people I don't even really like, but after today's little snafu I'm a firm believer in them. Its been said here before, but I'll say it again, cause it needs to be said, there are just certain things you don't want your Mama, your Aunt Suzie from Poughkeepsie, Creepers worldwide, and the baby Jesus to see, and that's OK.

And let me say before I publish this mess of random thoughts I've compiled and will call a blog entry, I don't want to seem like an ungrateful, stuck up asshole. I truly am flattered by the compliments and the date request, but this was just all wrong. " Creeper" obviously needs a DPTonF lesson.

word to you mother.

The Gay

We will cure this dirty old disease…the remedy is the experience

The fans of DPTOF have spoken (by the way, if you’re not already, become fans on Facebook!), suggest some topics, invite fans, post anecdotes.

The topic of ‘Reply All’ has been brought up. This is something I felt worthy of addressing. Is it necessary for all 50 people invited to Joe Schmoe’s housewarming party that Janie ‘has no real friends’ is
really gonna try and make it, is pumped for the party but has to work that day so she may catch ya another time ;)
…NO NOT NECESSARY! Message separately dumbass or I’ll run you over with a semi; that’s right I have readily available access to semi’s 24/7 – I’m a truck driver; can you not tell by the way I talk?! It’s not enough that one idiot does this, but then 6-10 other insignificant fools follow suit and reply all themselves with some lame ass comment. You people that wrongfully use the reply all function are a bad example for the others. You’re just like the li’l anorexic girls in the village setting bad hipster trends like denim tights and belly shirts with zippers down the front & gladiator shoes – get outta here, straighten out your life and maybe eat a sandwich! And the host of the event, you can put a stop to this mess. You take the initiative that your fool friend didn’t take and send a private message to the one person to encourage them to only send a response to you.

Instances when reply all may be necessary or not in danger of a semi mutilating death:
1. When there are 4 or less people involved in the message thread
2. When you have something of relevance or significance to share (that applies to all included within the thread.)
*NEVER should it be a simple 2 syllable agreeable term, such as ‘ok’ – don’t waste my time; give me more if you’re sending me a message.

In all other instances, Reply all one more time & watch what happens, I fuckin’ dare ya.

Reply all: you suck
But not you guys that don’t do retarded DPTOF bullshit, you rock – keep reading
The Slut

A tramp stamp baby is a timeless trend.

It’s been a while, dear readers. I’ve been busy with my movie collection, and keeping the Slut happy. Need more clues as to who this is? If so… then you really just don’t know me at all. Sad face. It’s Blockbuster, yet again. I’m taking a break from my slasher-film marathon because I feel there’s something that needs to be said. It can’t wait.

Ok, bitches… I’m going to launch a preemptive strike here. That’s right… I’m going to Pearl Harbor you all right now (Too soon? I can never tell…). As we all know, there’s a certain event happening this Saturday night. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. Halloween… All Hallows Eve… The Festival of Samhain… or as it’s become known in the last decade or two, The Night In Which Drunken Hookers Put On The Skankiest Thing They Can Find In A Halloween Store And Act Trashy And Blame It On The Costume. Don’t get me wrong… I have the utmost respect for Police Officers, Nurses, Flight Attendants, French Maids, and Pirates… but these “costumes” are really just a pathetic excuse to unleash your inner ho… am I correct?

Now… if you DO feel the need to buy yourself a “costume” where the biggest piece of material on it is the “Washing Instructions” tag… and pictures are taken… please, please, please… for the love of Ray J… Don’t Put That On Facebook! It’s really not cute. Guess what… If I want to see silly scantily-clad women acting whorish, I’ll just turn on Skin-omax after 12:15am to watch “The Lord of the G-Strings: The Femaleship of the String” or “Cleavagefield” or “The DaVinci Coed” (I am NOT making these titles up).

My point is, Skank-Hos… don’t try to distract me from the sole-reason I frequent the lovely Book of Faces with your “scandalous ‘OMG! I can’t believe how trashy I look! Look at how trashy I look!’” photos. I am here for the same reason 92.6% of us are here. To anonymously stalk people I haven’t seen or spoken to in 8 years. Your tramp-stamped ass-crack hanging precariously out of your candy striper “uniform” will not deter or distract me. It’ll just make me sad for you. It’ll also make your father cry tears of blood, because he’s your friend and he logs on to see how you’re doing and instead sees you dressed as a dominatrix with your teeth on some random guy’s nipple. It’s the costume’s fault… right?

Just don’t do it. You’re not cool… you’re just a hooker.

I’m out like a blind kid in Tee-Ball!
~Blockbuster

Don't be tardy for the party

Ok, we need to have a talk. Facebook events, you’re clingy. I know, I know I used the word “Clingy” but ya know what it’s necessary. Get off my back, I need some space. I can’t breathe. I’m getting claustrophobic with all these damn reminders and updates. Guess what you sent me an event invite and I either RSVP yeah or neigh. I didn’t sign up for an update on a 24 hour basis; this ain’t Hurricane Katrina, you’re not CNN or even NY1 for that matter. This has to stop. You’re a facebook event to some shit there’s a 90% chance I’m not half as interested in attending as you are in getting people to fill your seats or whatever the occasion. The theatre events are the worst. I don’t care you just added a matinee or this is your closing performance. You’re cluttering my inbox, I’m not interested anymore. I delete your messages before reading them. Yeah, that’s what it’s come to. Sad really. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve deleted so many messages that I don’t recall who or what your organization is & ya know what the only reason I care is so I can remember not to go to or sign up to go to any of your following events because I don’t want to repeat this kind of behavior. Bitch you’re suffocating me. As Mariah Carey sings in her new single, “Why you so obsessed with me?”. Yeah I’m a Mariah Carey girl, what of it?

Thought so. Now stop messaging me. It’s over, we’re through. And stop sending me flowers. Now get some Kleenex and wipe away your tears, you look a mess.

See ya never,
The Slut

It's been a week without me, and she feel weak without me

I know it’s been a long summer and you’ve all been jonesing for some blog brilliance, so never fear! The Blonde is back (although my roots beg to differ) to fully judge folks on FB and fill your sass quota for the week.

Without further ado, let’s jump right in, shall we?

Now, I have a real person job. That’s right, I work in an office with a phone, a computer, a fax machine and letterhead (and sometimes a toddler – listen, that’s beside the point)... I work regular hours and have health insurance. CRAZY RIGHT? I know. I work for an opera company so sometimes I am at the mercy of rather “artistic” personalities. BUT! The other thing that is TOTALLY NUTS is that I have a WORK EMAIL ADDRESS. FOR WORK RELATED THINGS.

So when you, Joe Opera Singer, send me a Facebook message asking about things pertaining to work…I IGNORE YOU. Now, maybe this comes off as cruel or unhelpful of me…but I did try ok? For a while I would respond to FB email as if it were actual email but I eventually discovered that people are a lot more shameless on FB than they would be otherwise. I just want to reiterate that being friends on Facebook is not an accurate indication of our actual level of friendship.

Basically, WE’RE NOT COOL LIKE THAT. I’m sorry you had to find out this way but I think you already knew. It’s not like we hang out or even talk on a regular basis. We are friends on FB because we probably worked together one summer, maybe even had a drink or six together…but that’s pretty much the extent of it. Aside from a status comment here or there or a generic “Happy Birthday!”, I just don’t see us working out. It’s not you…ok, actually, yes it is.

Facebook just isn’t the appropriate venue to ask if there are jobs available, or for my superior’s personal email or information. What did you do in the days before FB, huh? Did you go online and look up a phone number or email address for our office? Yeah, imagine that. Still possible. If you want to send me a message about us hanging out, cool. I might decline – but that is actually a very suitable way to use your FB account.

You’re basically assuming that I have nothing better to do when I’m Facebook than to answer your message about how to get an audition. Listen fool, I’m actually really busy online shopping and organizing my Netflix queue. I need you to step your game up and be a little pro-active ok? Either figure out a more professional, appropriate way of getting in touch with someone or ask a friend. A REAL FRIEND.

Stop crying, it's for your own good. I'm like Dr. Phil up in this bitch.

Let’s hug it out,

The Blonde

You look so dumb right now, standing outside my house

Welcome back Kotter

…err only our older readers know that reference. Right so we went all MIA this summer and not in the flying like paper getting high like planes kinda way. We all know what I did this summer, I breached nearly every photo guideline we’ve set here on the DPTOF. It was a good summer. What can I say girls just wanna have fun!

So I was rereading some old DPTOF posts aka brilliant documentation on facebook etiquette awaiting to be published and sold in the kitchy book section of Urban Outfitters along with the zombie guides and FML catalogues or we’d settle for it being the rumored bible for social sites that’s spoken about under the radar but subtly intervening with people’s lives on a daily basis. Get on it people, make it happen. Stop by, pass out our trendy business cards – ask us over for a dramatic reading for all your friends (we do them well).

Right so I was rereading for inspiration, I remind you to please send us thoughts/suggestions for the brilliant blog to pangeaNYC@gmail.com

We’ve already covered a lot of ground; but lets refer to our statistics

Facebook has more than 200 million active users

More than 100 million users log on to Facebook at least once each day

More than two-thirds of Facebook users are outside of college

The fastest growing demographic is those 35 years old and older

Which is an astonishing amount of people that post stupid shit fueling our need to correct or humorously criticize each of the said stupid things. I KNOW, it’s a lot of work, you’re welcome.

This also means we may, at times repeat the same theme of a post such as picture regulations but it will come in the form of site specific incidents to reiterate what the millions of users aren’t grasping. That is until you get our blog published ;)

For now let me just briefly touch on the things I’ve noticed while away:
(Forgive the length but I wasn’t posting for 3 months so I feel this is mild)

What the F*** is Farmville? Do you wanna be on facebook or play some agriculture version of Sims – get outta here with your Farmville picture posting Old McDonald, E-I-E-I-O!

Months back there was a trend of changing your middle name to “Equality” to show support of gay rights. I never touched this before maybe cuz it seemed taboo and I’d seem prejudice, maybe cuz I didn’t see a problem with it -thinking it was the least one could do to show some support. I’m throwing in the towel, the hourglass is up, time to change your name back activist. Who do you think you are Lincoln, MLK? Not gonna happen that way, move on. Try a different tactic, maybe one that makes a difference instead of making a non active stand on your computer. Last time I checked that’s not the way to change laws.

Along with Farmville, I’ve noticed a lot of Zodiac friends photos being posted. Anybody that knows the me behind my ironic alias knows I enjoy astrology as much as the next person, but I can’t get on board with this. What purpose does it serve? I know I’m a Gemini, my bf knows I’m a Gemini, my need for dramatic flare, stirring conflict, overanalyzation and fluttering personality are pretty big clues to the rest of the world I’m a gemini; I don’t need you to tag me in a picture for me to figure it out. And if I wanna know who else on my friend list is also a Gemini, I can look at their birthdate.

You guys hear about Patrick, RIP, or the VMA’s! No, you didn’t – huh, how’s that rock you live under?!? (This one's more of a positive note) I find it impressing how powerful our generation is. The popularity of facebook, which we make thrive, the many uses it demonstrates; it’s become comparable with CNN or any other news media. Facebook tells us what loved celebrity just died to the latest Kanye faux pas. Thanks for keeping us to date with current events facebook.

Stay tuned for an eventual posting on the the new feature to tag friends in a wall post. Jury’s still out on this one, I’ll let you know when the verdict is in. Till then explore, I dare ya.

Taking the bra off now, I’m in for the night ;)

Shout out: If you live in Hamilton Heights, get some pepper spray, a kubotan, lock up your fire escape and don’t get in an elevator with a creepy suspecting douche that doesn’t push a button – in short don’t get raped. Let’s catch this asshat!

Over and Out Goose,
The Slut!