Secret Secret, I Got a Secret

An Open Letter to Facebook Friends:

Recently I've been trying to catch myself up on the ever-popular, ever-confusing, ever-addicting TV phenomenon known as LOST. Last time I checked, I left off somewhere in Season 2 and never looked back. Now, with this year marking the sixth and final season I felt like I was so far behind it was just useless to catch up. But then I realized, I AM NOT A QUITTER DAMNIT. I WILL MAKE LOST MY BITCH!

And I am doing just that. In a little under two weeks, I've managed to get through Seasons 1 and 2 and am proud to report that I am 3 episodes in to Season 3 as of last night. It also helps that I have no life...but I'm fine with it. Really. I am. REALLY!

Sidenote: The Gay, who now resides in an official territory of Pangea somewhere in the Chicago suburbs, (Kind of like the Puerto Rico to our U.S.), unbeknownst to me until he put it on FB, he also made the life choice to pop his Lost cherry (I'm really sorry for using that metaphor) and start at the very beginning. A very good place to start.

Anyway, I know that Lost has been on TV for six years now...I know that it is one of the shows that totally fucks with you and then leaves a note and never calls you again. But I just can't help myself. I can't stay away. And thanks to my Netflix subscription...I've got all 5 previous season at my disposal and a bottle of wine on my bedside table. DON'T JUDGE.

BUT. Facebook friends, let me just say this. Do NOT ruin a perfectly good catch-up marathon by putting current season spoilers in your status. NOT COOL. I wish I could be as prioritized (is that a word?) as you when it comes to TV schedules, but sometimes DragRace and The Real Housewives and Law and Order AND ice dancing are on at the same time and I JUST CAN'T CHOOSE. And NO, I don't have DVR. Lay off. So, therefore I'm way late on all things Lost.

Just cause you're all on top of your shit does not give you the right to ruin it for everyone else! Some people want to watch and find out for themselves. Shocking, I know. If I see one more person with "OMG, I can't believe so-and-so died at the end of Lost! And then came back from the dead and blew up the island! And then died again! OMG!" as their status, I'm gonna climb through my computer and choke you.

It's like telling someone the big twist of The Sixth Sense before they see the movie. Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free or some shit, right? Well, I guess that applies more to slutty girls...but you know what I mean. All I'm saying is, what the hell is the point if I already know what happens? I don't want the Cliff Notes version of the show, ok? It's about the journey, I want to soak up every last second of deserted island madness without you ruining it for me! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

I'm sorry baby, I didn't mean to yell at you. Just keep a damn secret for another couple weeks until I'm caught up. Fair is fair, respect equal opportunity TV watching.

If you really need to divulge something, just tell me the entire plotline of Avatar instead and save me $12.50 and movie theater butter damage to my arteries. Deal?

Sincerely Yours,

The Blonde

P.S. Shout outs to all of you Lost watchers you know how to keep your yap shut. I love you. Well, not really, but I like you. But not like you like you. Like, I just like you as a friend. ....I gotta go.

Supersonic, idiotic, disconnecting, not respecting, who would ever really wanna go and top that?

All right kids, it's time for some Facebook smackdown/love. I know it's been awhile again, but hell, it's cold outside and I've been too busy watching Jersey Shore/waiting for the second season of RuPaul's Drag Race. I, and my fellow Pangeans, sat idly by while girls posted their bra colors on the internets in statuses to be seen all over the world and don't even get me started on the friends exposed I'm answering a question about you on your page bullshit. But I'm back from spray tanned color, guidette loving haze to speak out about this new Facebook faux pas.

To be honest, at first I sort of (emphasis on the SORT OF) thought it was cute, then per usual all you people went and took it just a step (or five hundred) too far.

The task went like this, For a week you post a picture of yourself as baby. Simple of enough, cute, and only a week. I never got around to changing my profile pic, I was still all about my newest one featuring my mustache of the week, but I wasn't very bothered by the desire to pimp pictures of one's self as I child. I get it, I was a cute ass kid too. To be perfectly honest, people have been uploading baby pictures of themselves on the book of faces since the beginning. Then the next week (cartoon week) happened, and the next week (celebrity doppelganger), and now once again we have another DPTonF.

I mean come on people! Isn't this a little Sweet Valley High homecoming week? Don't get me wrong, I LOVED Sweet Valley High (I am The Gay, you know) but seriously. You all remember homecoming week festivities where every day YOU, and I put the emphasis on YOU cause I never did that shit, dressed up in silly costumes every day for a week for "spirit points" or a pizza party or something, I'm not quite sure what point of it all was, but you get my drift. It was very silly and very high school and should be left where it originates, HIGH SCHOOL.

AND furthermore, there's a bigger problem here. I ALREADY don't know who you are cause your name is "Sam Equality stickygummyworms The Situation P. Jones", and now without your photo I have absolutely NO clue whose wall I'm posting the latest "Ginger's do have souls" video on.

let us not forget what face book is essentially for:

1. Social networking (whatever that means)

2. Stalking

3. Witty comments on stasuses, stati, etc. ( I STILL don't know what the plural form of a status is)

4. (for some of you) posting endless details about your day

5. Stalking

6. Stalking

7. Stalking

So go on and play your little weekly game, but I have a new policy. If you have both a name and a Facebook picture that aren't either your baby Jesus given name or face. I will defriend you, and you will be devoid of all my facebookie goodness. And we don't want that do we?

And you people must really be on something cause I'm sorry, no one has ever mistaken you for David Beckham, Heidi Klum, or Beyonce. Give it up folks.

Top THAT.

-The Gay.

Don't cry, don't raise your eye, it's only teenage wasteland

Was I this annoying when I was 13?

Facebook, nay, technology in the recent years has given the world a venue to display a never ending list of opinions and interests. I definitely have my favorites (robot a day, garfield minus garfield, cake wrecks are among them. Check 'em out, support our fellow bloggers) and then..... the internet unfortunately represents another part of the world using this open community to spread hate/stupidity/ignorance/ANNOYING THE CRAP OUT OF ME.

I've been avoiding this particular conflict for a while because it sends fits of rage through me ala Bjork (because Bjork is ridiculous and borderline retarded... does everyone from Iceland act like that? Stop your whining and take off that silly ass hat) but why oh why can't we express our opinions in a more open minded fashion? My life encompasses a lot of different people with a lot of different views and rarely do I get upset with people for having opposing ones of mine.. because we're all entitled to our own opinion, yes? and because I am SUCH a good friend.

But if you are going to use facebook of all things (a networking site used to find friends and have casual communication... not communication regarding anything professional, don't talk to the blonde about that or she'll shank you) to parade your narrow-minded, hateful views, at least make sure they are well informed. Oh, and that you're old enough to slightly experience the world. Never have I witnessed such an outpour of crazy small minded views from a group of people who've never learned to drive, vote in an election, and have barely gone through puberty.

Don't you realize that what you put on the internet about basically disliking anything of a liberal mind set is being seen by a lot of liberal people out there watching? A lot of people who are personally effected by your narrow minded and hateful views? Don't parade yourself as a Christian, because I don't have God on speed dial, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't appreciate you comparing Barack Obama to an African village idiot (he's from Hawaii, dumbass. An American citizen, shocking) or comparing Planned Parenthood to Auschwitz. Turns out Planned Parenthood does a lot of good for providing prenatal care to uninsured mothers and educating poorer communities about safe sex and birth control, and in turn saving lives of unborn children and existing human lives. But why would you ever pay attention to the positives of any dirty liberal organization? Oh yes, because you're a child.

And lastly kids, let's not forget that these hilarious/earth shattering points that you're making on facebook will always be there. The internet is forever, and in 5 years I bet you'll have a whole arsenal of offensive points of view, so in another 12 years, don't try to run for office. Well, maybe you could in Ohio, it is a swing state.

Liberally yours,

The Jew

walking on, walking on broken glaaaaas

I've just hit a new low. Wait. We ALL have just hit a new low. By we, I mean the entire Facebook community.

I was just asked out on a date...

on facebook...

by a stranger.

Lets just breakdown how wrong every part of this is:

1. You asked me out on FACEBOOK.
2. We've never formally met
3. YOU ASKED ME OUT ON FACEBOOK!
4. WE'VE NEVER MET! I DON'T KNOW YOU!

Now he isn't a complete stranger, he saw me in a show. I've never met him, but we did have those two precious hours where I sang my face off completely unaware of his presence and he watched, but this in no way condones his behavior.

It all began innocently enough, I guess. I started my morning the way I always do, a yawn, a stretch, and straight to my iPhizzle to check out the last facebook status updates (some people do coffee and the news to find out about whats going on in the World, but I prefer beginning the day finding about how every gay LOVES the new Lady Gaga song or what drunk mess friend of mine threw up on themselves in the subway the night before, but I digress) I got a nice message from a young man congratulating me on my work in the show the previous night, and although I thought this was a bit sketchy (he did look in his program, find my name, and then search through all the people with my name on Facebook, which is no easy task) I gave him the benefit of the doubt and sent him a nice little message back. As a matter of fact lets just post the entire conversation here for all to read and dissect. I'll be "All knowing gay, who is brilliant in the show", and we will call our gentleman caller "creeper".

Creeper: Hey I saw your show last night, and all I can is WOW!!! You are really great. I was really impressed and enjoyed it alot.

(let me just say, I'm no good at the grammar or the spelling, but if you are going to message a complete stranger spell/grammar check wouldn't hurt....just saying)

All knowing gay who is brilliant in the show: Thanks so much! I really appreciate it!

Creeper: Your welcome, so how long are you here for?

AKGWIBITS: Just till the show closes.

Creeper: Thats cool, maybe we can hangout go have a drink, dinner, something, if you want?

AKGWIBITS: I'm super busy with the show, but thanks.

Creeper: ok sounds good man, by the way you are very attractive

As I typed the conversation just now I realized I may have some blame in the situation. I mean, for one I could NOT be incredibly talented and good looking, but that's pretty much impossible. But I could have prevented this by not responding after the first message and more importantly, using this little thing we call privacy settings. Its unfortunate its come to this, but I'm learning discretion is the key.

I hate privacy settings. Its the reason why I can't stalk ex boyfriends new boyfriends and why I have to be facebook friends with people I don't even really like, but after today's little snafu I'm a firm believer in them. Its been said here before, but I'll say it again, cause it needs to be said, there are just certain things you don't want your Mama, your Aunt Suzie from Poughkeepsie, Creepers worldwide, and the baby Jesus to see, and that's OK.

And let me say before I publish this mess of random thoughts I've compiled and will call a blog entry, I don't want to seem like an ungrateful, stuck up asshole. I truly am flattered by the compliments and the date request, but this was just all wrong. " Creeper" obviously needs a DPTonF lesson.

word to you mother.

The Gay

We will cure this dirty old disease…the remedy is the experience

The fans of DPTOF have spoken (by the way, if you’re not already, become fans on Facebook!), suggest some topics, invite fans, post anecdotes.

The topic of ‘Reply All’ has been brought up. This is something I felt worthy of addressing. Is it necessary for all 50 people invited to Joe Schmoe’s housewarming party that Janie ‘has no real friends’ is
really gonna try and make it, is pumped for the party but has to work that day so she may catch ya another time ;)
…NO NOT NECESSARY! Message separately dumbass or I’ll run you over with a semi; that’s right I have readily available access to semi’s 24/7 – I’m a truck driver; can you not tell by the way I talk?! It’s not enough that one idiot does this, but then 6-10 other insignificant fools follow suit and reply all themselves with some lame ass comment. You people that wrongfully use the reply all function are a bad example for the others. You’re just like the li’l anorexic girls in the village setting bad hipster trends like denim tights and belly shirts with zippers down the front & gladiator shoes – get outta here, straighten out your life and maybe eat a sandwich! And the host of the event, you can put a stop to this mess. You take the initiative that your fool friend didn’t take and send a private message to the one person to encourage them to only send a response to you.

Instances when reply all may be necessary or not in danger of a semi mutilating death:
1. When there are 4 or less people involved in the message thread
2. When you have something of relevance or significance to share (that applies to all included within the thread.)
*NEVER should it be a simple 2 syllable agreeable term, such as ‘ok’ – don’t waste my time; give me more if you’re sending me a message.

In all other instances, Reply all one more time & watch what happens, I fuckin’ dare ya.

Reply all: you suck
But not you guys that don’t do retarded DPTOF bullshit, you rock – keep reading
The Slut

A tramp stamp baby is a timeless trend.

It’s been a while, dear readers. I’ve been busy with my movie collection, and keeping the Slut happy. Need more clues as to who this is? If so… then you really just don’t know me at all. Sad face. It’s Blockbuster, yet again. I’m taking a break from my slasher-film marathon because I feel there’s something that needs to be said. It can’t wait.

Ok, bitches… I’m going to launch a preemptive strike here. That’s right… I’m going to Pearl Harbor you all right now (Too soon? I can never tell…). As we all know, there’s a certain event happening this Saturday night. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. Halloween… All Hallows Eve… The Festival of Samhain… or as it’s become known in the last decade or two, The Night In Which Drunken Hookers Put On The Skankiest Thing They Can Find In A Halloween Store And Act Trashy And Blame It On The Costume. Don’t get me wrong… I have the utmost respect for Police Officers, Nurses, Flight Attendants, French Maids, and Pirates… but these “costumes” are really just a pathetic excuse to unleash your inner ho… am I correct?

Now… if you DO feel the need to buy yourself a “costume” where the biggest piece of material on it is the “Washing Instructions” tag… and pictures are taken… please, please, please… for the love of Ray J… Don’t Put That On Facebook! It’s really not cute. Guess what… If I want to see silly scantily-clad women acting whorish, I’ll just turn on Skin-omax after 12:15am to watch “The Lord of the G-Strings: The Femaleship of the String” or “Cleavagefield” or “The DaVinci Coed” (I am NOT making these titles up).

My point is, Skank-Hos… don’t try to distract me from the sole-reason I frequent the lovely Book of Faces with your “scandalous ‘OMG! I can’t believe how trashy I look! Look at how trashy I look!’” photos. I am here for the same reason 92.6% of us are here. To anonymously stalk people I haven’t seen or spoken to in 8 years. Your tramp-stamped ass-crack hanging precariously out of your candy striper “uniform” will not deter or distract me. It’ll just make me sad for you. It’ll also make your father cry tears of blood, because he’s your friend and he logs on to see how you’re doing and instead sees you dressed as a dominatrix with your teeth on some random guy’s nipple. It’s the costume’s fault… right?

Just don’t do it. You’re not cool… you’re just a hooker.

I’m out like a blind kid in Tee-Ball!
~Blockbuster

Don't be tardy for the party

Ok, we need to have a talk. Facebook events, you’re clingy. I know, I know I used the word “Clingy” but ya know what it’s necessary. Get off my back, I need some space. I can’t breathe. I’m getting claustrophobic with all these damn reminders and updates. Guess what you sent me an event invite and I either RSVP yeah or neigh. I didn’t sign up for an update on a 24 hour basis; this ain’t Hurricane Katrina, you’re not CNN or even NY1 for that matter. This has to stop. You’re a facebook event to some shit there’s a 90% chance I’m not half as interested in attending as you are in getting people to fill your seats or whatever the occasion. The theatre events are the worst. I don’t care you just added a matinee or this is your closing performance. You’re cluttering my inbox, I’m not interested anymore. I delete your messages before reading them. Yeah, that’s what it’s come to. Sad really. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve deleted so many messages that I don’t recall who or what your organization is & ya know what the only reason I care is so I can remember not to go to or sign up to go to any of your following events because I don’t want to repeat this kind of behavior. Bitch you’re suffocating me. As Mariah Carey sings in her new single, “Why you so obsessed with me?”. Yeah I’m a Mariah Carey girl, what of it?

Thought so. Now stop messaging me. It’s over, we’re through. And stop sending me flowers. Now get some Kleenex and wipe away your tears, you look a mess.

See ya never,
The Slut